Late at night or early in the morning I sit down at my computer and I really want to write something, but my thoughts swirl around so fast that I have a hard time organizing them to actually say anything. All my thoughts center around Sara.  I want to remember her life, I want to remember our times as a family, I want to remember before cancer, I want to remember the journey through her illness, I want to know more about heaven now, I want to know what it will be like when we see her again.  I think all those things are good, and fit into "whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honorable, whatsoever things are right, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely. . . "   But then all the "why didn't, what if, how come, why not, I wish. . ." also swirl around.  I realize I am in a constant battle with my thoughts and emotions. It is exhausting.  How am I?  Sometimes good, sometimes bad, sometimes strong, sometimes weak, occasionally happy, often sad.  Leaning on the Everlasting Arms. . ?  Trying to. . . .sometimes being able to rest in that.  Giving in to doubt, guilt, fear, and despair. . . .?  Trying not to. . . . trying to set my eyes and mind on God's truth where it should be. . . . sometimes gaining the victory in Jesus.   I do realize that is where we ALL are, every day.  I guess I am just not used to living my life so closely on the edge of my emotions.  I am not used to the struggle and the battle being so intense.  I'm not done. . . . but I have to go to work. . . so I have to be done.  Thankful that work is sometimes rest from the battle. 

I don't know what it is about me and books lately.  I still seem to get only so far, and then just can't go any further.  I picked up this lastest find, "A Mother's Grief Observed", and started out feeling like I couldn't read it fast enough.  It is written in journal style by a mother whose young son died in an unexpected accident.  The author puts into words so many things that I am feeling, and am often afraid to say.  I got about halfway through (day one hundred forty-six), and now find it harder to keep going.  There are things still to be faced and I am just too tired.  The author says it well, "It's like the river of your grief empties out into an ocean, and the vastness of life is just too overwhelming."

I often pray selfishly, and ask God. . . "If I could just see Sara, or talk to her one more time. . . .???"  I know I can't, but I feel like a little kid who keeps tugging on a mommy or daddy's sleeve saying, "Oh come one, pleeaassee!"  And then I realize again the love and wisdom of God, knowing that "one more time" would never be enough.  I am a problem solver and resolver by nature, and I feel so "unresolved".  Even as I write, I seem to always want to be able to bring myself around to being "okay", and often I just am not.  So, I am going to be okay with saying I am not okay today.  I know God loves me even when I'm not okay.  Which actually is another way of saying "I'll know I'll be okay".  Have to laugh at myself! What a way to talk in circles!

My stopping place in the book. . . "This grief will never be done.  There will always be bruises, arrows of joy, shafts of pain.  I will always have the deepest tenderness for 22 year olds. They will bring delight and bittersweetness.  More pain than joy?  For now yes.  As time passes, maybe more gratitude, less grief.  C.S. Lewis said that to love is to be vulnerable to the greatest joy, with potential for the greatest sorrow. It all hangs together."  I have often said that . . . that our children can bring us both the greatest joy and the greatest sorrow.  I didn't know that was a quote from C.S. Lewis.  So true!

Song From Philippians

Last January, the week before Sara went to the hospital in Salem, and was then care-flighted to UCSF with her lung full of fluid, I wrote a song that combined Sara's favorite verse, Woody's favorite verse, and my favorite verses. . . all from Philippians.  It was like the lull before the storm.  The kids had all been home for Christmas, and then left for New Year's.  Sara had gone back up to Oregon to get in some hours at work, and to spend some fun time with her roommates before finishing up her senior year of college.  We knew at that point that Sara's cancer had returned, but we were still hopeful that the new chemo she was taking would be effective, and that God would work a miracle.  I was reading Philippians then, just as I'm doing now.  I gave Sara a copy of the song sometime last winter, but don't think I ever actually played it for her. 
After Woody's sermon last Sunday, I remembered that I had it tucked away, and thought that now would be a good time to share it.  Someday maybe I will have the technology to put music on my blog, but for now, these are the lyrics. . . which are really just the scripture verses put together.

I can do all things through Christ, who gives me strength.

I can do all things through Christ, who gives me strength.

Being confident of this, that He who began His work

in my life, will perfect it in His time.

Rejoice in the Lord, and again I say rejoice.

Rejoice in the Lord, and again I say rejoice.

Let your patience be known, be known to all men,

for the Lord, Himself, is always near.

Be anxious for nothing, but in prayer and supplication,

with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God.

And the peace of God, which surpasses all we know,

yes, the peace of God, which surpasses all we know,

shall guard our hearts and minds, give shelter to our souls,

and surround us in the love of Christ, our Lord.

And surround us in the love of Christ, our Lord.

Reading and re-reading and re-reading and re-reading. . . .

Do you ever read a book and then think you know the story or the contents so well that you either give it away, or put it on the shelf, never to pick it up again?  Often you want to keep it, because you love the story, or the thoughts put forth, but you think you have absorbed it all, and need to move on to something else.  I'm ashamed to say that sometimes I am like that in reading my Bible.  Philippians is my favorite book of the Bible. I have read it countless times, and countless more times since Sara's death. It is my "go to" when I pick up my Bible.  Now, as I stop to really think about what I am saying, I have several more favorite "go to's", but I will still claim Philippians as my number one. I would be inclined to say that I KNOW Philippians.  I can even quote several passages.  But how often am I really applying it to my heart and my life? 

I struggled this week.  That is a pretty constant in my life lately. Woody tried to help, and in some of our conversations I found myself figuratively putting my hands up to block what he was saying.  I didn't want to listen. There was NOTHING that could help.  Things were just going from bad to worse.  Now here is what comes of being a preacher's wife.  This morning, he had me in his captive audience, and as I listened to him speaking, I saw how what he was trying to tell me earlier all came together.  Woody taught this morning from Philippians chapter four.  (coincidentally my favorite chapter in my favorite book)  The message was entitled "How to Stand Firm in the Lord".  What I ought to do is go get his sermon notes and make that my post for today, but here it is in a nutshell. . . . from verses 1-7. . . .  Live harmoniously, joyously, graciously, and prayfully. . . and you will have peace in Christ Jesus.  Obviously, there is alot more that can be filled in, but there are the basics.  I am sure I will struggle again this week, but I will keep on reading and re-reading Philippians, and pray that God fills my heart with His peace. 

Have to share one more passage in reference to verse 6. . . "be anxious for nothing".  Psalm 37. . . the whole thing, but especially verses 23-24.  "The steps of a man are established by the Lord, and He delights in his way.  When he falls, he shall not be hurled headlong, because the Lord is the One who holds his hand." 

I re-read this to myself two ways, and both helped me immensely.  "Sara's steps were established by the Lord, and He delighted in her way.  When she fell, she was not hurled headlong, because the Lord was the One who held her hand."  AND  "Noreen's steps are established by the Lord, and He delights in her way.  When she falls, she will not be hurled headlong, because the Lord is the One who holds her hand."   Put  your own name in that verse, and hold it in your heart!

Looking Back

On the way to work one day this past week, the song "I Can Only Imagine" was playing on the radio.  That does a good job of summing up how I feel right now.  I know that Sara is safe and well and at peace in the Lord's presence, but I can only imagine what that is really like. I feel like I have never before been so consumed by such a desire to KNOW what it is like in heaven.  I know that we can KNOW what the Bible tells us, and I do believe that, but there is so much that is beyond our understanding.  I look forward to the time when we can see her again, but for now it seems as though all we do is look back.  Everyday, memories of her are everywhere.  I want that, and I'm thankful for it, but it also feels a little like time is suspended.  It is hard to look forward, and the here and now still doesn't seem real.  I do all the things I am supposed to do everyday, but often feel like it is not really me.  It is still hard to talk about, hard to explain, hard to understand. 

I have several half finished books on my shelf. . . . "Through A Season of Grief", "Dancing in the Rain", "A Steadfast Heart", "Comforts From the Cross", "Because He Loves Me". . . .and many others. . . and then another one that I just started (I found it on my desk today - I'm sure someone gave it to me months ago) called "A Mother's Grief Observed".   I start them, and they are helpful, but I have a hard time finishing anything.  It is the same with novels.  I love to read, and always have at least one book going.  It seems lately that every novel I pick up has someone in it who is grieving or dealing with the death of a loved one.  I wonder if maybe it has always been that way, but now I am just so much more aware of how much death is a part of life. 

I read back over what I have written and don't even know what I'm trying to say.  It's okay.  I know that God is good and God is faithful.  For sure I cannot trust in myself, or my own understanding, but I can trust in Him.  It is the only way to think that maybe I'll be able to look forward.

Childhood Cancer Awareness

September is "Childhood Cancer Awareness Month".   Funny, I never knew this before.  We have all seen the little pink ribbons that stand for breast cancer awareness, but until Sara's diagnosis, I never knew that there are similar little yellow ribbons to promote childhood cancer awareness.  My eyes have been opened. 

I am thankful for all those that have battled a childhood cancer and are surviving.  My prayers are with you still, because I know there are ongoing side effects and fears.  I pray for those children and young people and their families who are in the midst of the battle.  I understand it now, and I pray for you to be filled with courage and hope.  I pray for those families who have lost a child to this disease. I know there are many. 

Especially since our other kids are grown, married, and living away from home - I am so thankful to be able to go to work and be surrounded by my 450 school kids!  There are hurts, heartaches, and struggles there too.  Our kids deal with so much these days.  It helps to be thankful for the little things. . . and the little ones!

Loneliness is like an elephant. . . by Sara Swenson

Periodically, I find myself searching through the house again for things that bring a connection to Sara. . . things that I might have missed in my previous searches.  Last night I happened upon a treasure that was right under my nose.  On the nightstand in one of the bedrooms Sara occupied (she occupied ALL of them at one time or another, as all of her older siblings left home), was a 1999 edition of  "The Teacher's Selection Anthology of Poetry".  I had put a quilted cover on it, left it as a decorative piece there on the nightstand, and then almost forgotten what it was over the past few years.  As I picked it up and opened the book to the page marked with an old bookmark of Sara's, I found a poem that she had written back in elementary school (when she was 10).  Her 5th grade teacher, Mrs. Slonecker, had nominated Sara's poem to be included in this book.  The name of the poem is "Loneliness Is Like An Elephant Sitting On You". 
It goes like this. . .

When the elephant sits on you it hurts

just like loneliness.

When it sits on you

it hurts you on the outside.

When you're lonely

it hurts your mind and heart on the inside.

When the elephant sits on you

it squishes you like a pancake,

just like loneliness squishes your heart.

And that makes it bad to be sat on

by an elephant,

just like no one wants to be lonely.

Maybe it's a poem that only a mother would love, but I dearly love it.   I sometimes feel like my heart is being squished, or that it is being sat on by an elephant.  I think that is a good way to describe those heavy emotions of sadness, loneliness, fear, or guilt.  It is not constant. . . . kind of like the elephant is just in the room, and sometimes. . . it decides to sit on you.  (that's an interesting play on words too!)  

It is a mystery to me how some days I can think I am doing pretty well, and the next day that huge elephant just won't get off me!  Not that much changes from day to day, but it seems to be a constant struggle to stay on level ground.  And I know it is that way for all of us.   So. . . I keep telling myself to count my blessings. . . . .which are many. 

FOOTPRINTS - new version

A friend sent me this new version of FOOTPRINTS the other day.  I thought it was great, so I'd like to share it here, a bit condensed and edited ala swenson. 

Imagine you and the Lord Jesus walking down the road together. For much of the way, the Lord's footprints go along steadily and consistently.  But your footprints are a disorganized stream of zigzags, starts, stops, turnarounds, and circles.  It goes on like this, but gradually your footprints come more in line with the Lords, soon paralleling His consistently.  You are walking together.  This is good, but then an interesting thing happens. Your footprints, that once etched the sand next to Jesus', are now walking precisely in His steps.  Inside His larger footprints are your smaller ones.  You are walking as one. What a blessing! This goes on for a long time, but suddenly the second set of footprints is back.  This time it is even crazier!  Zigzags all over the place! What happened?

I like to give the explanation as it could pertain to Sara.  In the first scene, with all the zigzags by the Lord's footsteps, Sara was a new Christian, just learning.  As she walked on, the Lord helped her learn to walk with Him.  When her smaller footprints were inside of His larger ones she was actually walking in His steps, totally trusting Him.  So what happened when the footprints separated again?  Well. . . now they're DANCING!

We got to spend a few hours with some dear friends of Sara's yesterday.  I LOVE when they come to visit.  I love them all so much.  It just makes me miss her with such an intensity it is hard to bear.  I think we still pretend that she is just away for awhile.  Maybe we will always pretend that.  I know we will see her again someday. . . .but it is just . . . . different. 

It seems like life here on earth is a constant struggle of finding a balance. . . . in how we spend our time, in our emotions, in all the situations that just keep coming at us.  I think that is what makes it . . . . life.

Life is like an old hall clock, the time keeps ticking by.
The pendulum swings back and forth, we laugh and then we cry.
We're always striving for a balance, trying to find that middle ground,
where everything seems stable, instead of constant 'round and 'round.
I will fix my eyes on Jesus, seek the center of His will,
and look ahead to heaven, when that earthly pendulum stands still.

Is it the musician in me that likes words to have rhythm and rhyme????

Why?

So, here I go.  My plan is to stop posting on caringbridge, and start writing here.  As I start this new venture, I want to explain the name of my blog site.  I don't think I would even be doing this if it weren't for Sara.  I never realized how much I love to write until we started our caringbridge site after her cancer diagnosis in June of 2009.  I had written children's programs, and various scripts for different church activities, but never just for the sake of writing what was on my mind or my heart.  It has helped me so much over the past two years, to be able to put all the thoughts and emotions swirling in my mind into words.  I have learned alot about myself, and hopefully it has helped me to grow and mature, AND to do more daily surrendering to my Savior.

Anyway, about the name of my blog. . . . "Letters on Lined Paper". . . .  When Sara lost her battle with osteosarcoma, or maybe I should say. . . when Sara claimed the victory of her life in Christ, and left this earthly life for a new home in heaven, I found out from her roommate that one thing Sara loved, was to receive letters on lined paper.  I never knew that.  It made me sad at first, because I can't remember if I ever actually sent her letters.  I know I sent notes to her at college every now and then.  But mostly it was phone calls, emails, cards, or short little notes.  That made an impression on me.  For weeks after her death, I searched everywhere for anything she had written. . . journals, letters, cards, college papers, notes in her bible, lists, ANYTHING.  It made me realize how precious the written word can be.  It also made me realize what a great writer Sara was.  It was like little pieces of herself that she had left behind.  I found two sheets of notebook paper that she had used to write out a couple of her favorite bible verses.  She started at the very top left hand corner, and then wrote around the edge, and kept going around and around, until she finished at the middle of the paper, just writing out the verses over and over again.  The two verses were; Phillipians 4:13, "I can do all things through Him who gives me strength.", and Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for calamity, to give you a future and a hope."  I am pretty sure that she wrote those verses out during the months AFTER she found out that her cancer had returned, and the doctors were giving her no hope for recovery.  What amazing faith!

I have had people suggest that I put our caringbridge journals (along with Sara's prayer journals) into a book.  That is something that I think I would love to do, but truth be told, I am not exactly sure what that process looks like, or how to go about it.  For now, I am going to try writing on this blog.  If a book were to ever come about, I think that I would like the title to be "Letters on Lined Paper", in honor of Sara.  It helps me in my grieving process to write.  If perhaps it can help someone else to read what I've written, that is a double delight to my heart. 

I posted this on caringbridge, but I am going to post it again here, because this is part of the "Why?" .

To Sara

If I could write a letter straight to heaven above,
I'd send it on lined paper, and say how much you're loved.
I'd ask you how you're doing, what you see and think and feel,
and how it feels to dance again, as you see God's face for real!
I'd ask what songs you're singing, as you lift your voice in praise.
I bet breath control is better than it was in cancer days!
I wish that I could call you, or text you on your phone,
or that we could go to Starbucks, or to get an ice cream cone.
I know that you are happy, free from pain and free from care.
I just wish that I could talk to you, to hear what it's like there!