There are so many things that I wished I had chronicled better. . . funny stories I should have written down, pictures I should have taken, videos I wish we had made.  Things play through my head at random times, and I just want to be able to remember them all.

There were so many times during Sara's growing up years that she wanted to go bowling, that it became kind of a family joke.  Every time we were together and trying to decide what we wanted to do, Sara would say, "Let's go bowling!"  She wasn't all that great at it, but maybe it was because it kept us all together in a focused activity.  During the Christmas season two years ago, less than two weeks after a major lung surgery, Sara wanted to go bowling. . .so we did. She was in her wheel chair, and we were all off picking out the right bowling balls. . . when all of a sudden it dawned on me that right-handed Sara, who had just had part of her right lung removed, should probably NOT be throwing or even holding a bowling ball.  I raced back to our lane to find all the girls there and Sara laughing and saying, "Yeah, maybe that's not such a good idea!"


This week I want to remember all the fun times we are having here in Oregon. . .and later this week in Arizona.   I want to have a record of some of the funny things Wyatt says and does.  This seems a good place to write about some of those moments.  Wyatt keeps us laughing non-stop.  Yesterday Kari asked him if he was ready to have lunch.  He immediately responded with a "Yay!! French Fries!!"  Kari said, "No, we don't have french fries."  So he changed to "Yay!!  Pizza!!"  Kari said, "No", again. . . . so next Wyatt said, "Mac & Cheese!!  I'll make it!"  He then ran to the cupboard and took out a box of mac & cheese. Next, he opened the drawer under the oven and took out a baking pan.  He took set those on the floor and then went back to pull out a bottle of taco sauce.  Holding the taco sauce, he then went to yet another cupboard and got out a small bowl.  He sat down on the living room floor with all of his "ingredients" and went through the motions of pouring everything into the pan.  As we laughed, he got up and went back to the cupboard, picking up various cans of sauce or soup. . . . looking at and tapping his finger on the labels, as if checking to see if he needed to add those too.  Kari said he has been doing that for about a week, always pulling out the same four items.  She swears she does not put taco sauce in his mac & cheese!   ????

Surprised by Joy

I had a dear friend this morning at church tell me that she was praying for me to be "surprised by joy".  What a blessing.  I have a hard time believing I will truly feel joy again.  Sometimes I have a hard time thinking I want to feel joy again.  I have a hard time praying because I feel like my thoughts are always in such a jumble.  There are times I feel okay, and there are times when sadness just wells up so intensely that I can hardly stand it.  But I like that phrase, and that thought. . . ."surprised by joy". 

And so here I am. . . . we made it through Christmas Eve and Christmas Day without Sara.  It was hard, and it didn't feel like Christmas, but the truth of Christmas, and the HOPE of Christmas IS. 
And here are the joys that I was "surprised" with. . . . . .
. . . talking to all of our kids on the phone, multiple times
. . . beautiful music
. . . loving friends and church family
. . . talking to my mom and my brother, and Woody's family
. . . taking a Christmas tree to Sara's grave with her dear friends Kristin and Lisa
. . . Woody and I snacking all weekend - and not cooking
. . . arriving in Salem tonight and Wyatt was still up and awake
. . . looking forward to the week ahead, and more joys to come

HOPE

Christmas 2008

Christmas 2009

 Christmas 2010


Functional . . . Detached. . . not very warm or festive words for a Christmas season, but kind of where we are living these days.  Reflective. . .perhaps a step in a better direction.  Hope. . .where we continue to attempt to fix our eyes. . . undeniably knotted to Faith, which is based on believing truth that you can't necessarily see, feel, or understand.  Christmas is all about Hope. . .

"A thrill of HOPE, a weary world rejoices, for yonder breaks a new a glorious morn.
Fall on your knees, O hear the angel voices, O night divine, O night when Christ was born."

Favorite Christmas memory this morning - all the first nights that all the kids came home from college for Christmas every year.  So much fun to see their joy in being home, being together, staying up late and sharing all their latest adventures.  I remember the night Heidi and I sat in the kitchen over a cup of hot chocolate (made from a canister that had probably been in the pantry for years).  We were talking about how much she hated cafeteria food, and was so looking forward to home cooking (?), when she looked down at her cup and said, "Mom, there are bugs in my hot chocolate!"  Good inspiration to go clean out my cupboards!!

Delicious!

The original kringla (or kringle) recipe. . . . courtesy of my daughters, Kari & Heidi, and also my sister-in-law, Haidi (who has Esther's sister, Edna's original recipe) . . . .

1 cup sour cream or butter
1 cup buttermilk
1 tsp baking soda (in the buttermilk)
1 cup sugar
1 tsp baking powder
1 tsp salt
2 1/2 to 3 cups  flour

Mix all ingredients and refrigerate overnight.  Roll tablespoons of dough on floured surface into pretzel shapes.  Bake on greased cookie sheets at about 450 for 6-10 minutes.

From my internet search I added an egg, some orange zest, and a generous sprinkling of cinnamon and clove.  Woody pronounced them good.  :)

Kringla

I lost my kringla recipe.  It is a recipe for a Norwegian cookie that I got years ago from Woody's aunt Esther. I have made kringla for Christmas every year since the kids were little.  I have a special box where I keep all my handwritten recipes from my mom, my grandma, other family members, and friends.  I had two recipes in that box that I recognized immediately when I went digging through it, because they were old and stained.  One is my gingerbread house recipe (which we also used to make every year when the kids were little), and the other was my kringla recipe.

None of our kids are able to come home for Christmas this year.  We are okay with that.  We have been hogging alot of the holidays the past two years, and they need to spend time with their spouse's families.  I have to say again (every chance I get) that I am so thankful for the families our kids married into.  We are blessed.  (Woody and I are going to make the rounds to see all of them the week after Christmas, for which I am also thankful.)  Anyway, even though the kids won't be here, I decided that I would go ahead and make kringla for our staff lunch at school on Monday.  But when I went to get out my recipe a few hours ago, it is nowhere to be found.  I made it last Christmas, and must have misplaced the paper or thrown it in the trash by mistake.  Kind of crazy to have a melt-down over a lost kringla recipe.  Oh, I got on the internet and found a ton of kringla recipes, but none of them are exactly like the one I had.  It is just another reminder that nothing will ever be the same.  Our family is changed forever.  I know change is inevitable, and change is often good, but this one is hard to swallow.  I'm keeping my daughter Kari's words in my heart.  I am trying to focus on all the good memories we have, AND how blessed we still are. 

I am off to try a new kringla recipe. 

Christmas in Heaven

My opinion on birthdays is . . . the older you get, the longer your season of celebration should be.   Young children have their special day, and we can usually make that one day pretty special for them.  Teenagers really need a couple of days.  Usually they need a celebration with their friends and maybe another one with family.  As you get into your 20s and 30s, it becomes necessary to celebrate the whole week, as schedules are just too hectic to make any one day totally enjoyable as a birthday should be.  I strongly believe that when you reach 50, you really deserve at least two weeks, and maybe even the whole month!
My mom is 83, and her birthday is in August.  I guess that means that we should still be celebrating her birthday - Happy December Mom!!   If my dad were still living, he would be turning 85 (or maybe 86) next Monday.  I have been thinking alot about my dad lately too, and thinking that he and Sara are celebrating together in heaven. 

Have you ever wondered if there are holidays in heaven?  I was thinking this morning that maybe heaven is like a constant Christmas celebration.  Earthly Christmas is a celebration of the birth of Jesus, God coming to earth in the form of man, to relate to man, and to be the sacrifice for our unworthiness.  It is a season of loving and giving. In heaven we will be focused on loving, worshipping, and praising God, celebrating and giving glory to Jesus. . . forever!!  So, I think it's safe to say that yes, in heaven we will celebrate Christmas, and Jesus's birthday all year long.

Kari has posted some excellent pictures of Christmas's past on her blog . . . littletimmer.blogspot.com.  I'm thankful for last Christmas. . . so thankful for all our kids.  I wish I had taken a ton more pictures. 

Snow Angel

Holidays

Holidays are all about memories. . . taking out, renewing, and cherishing old memories, and making new ones.  Perhaps that is why holidays are often painful for so many.  There are good memories, and we want to bring them out and treasure each one. . . . joy and sorrow wrapped up together. 

Sara loved Christmas. She loved red.  She loved Starbucks in their red Christmas cups.  Her favorite movie was White Christmas. (her favorite song in that movie - Sisters)  There was one year when the kids did lip-sync routines to all their favorite Christmas songs.  It was hilarious!  In later years I think the thing Sara liked the best was just having everyone come home and be together. . . .playing games, watching movies, making kringla. . . .she used to threaten her brother and sisters saying. . . "If you aren't home for Christmas, you don't get presents!"

I just keep feeling like I can't wrap my mind or my heart around the way things are now.  Our most recent family picture sits on the counter in our front entry way. . . .taken last Christmas.  That is a good memory.  I'm so thankful we had that time all together last year.

Our Children's Christmas program at church this year is an old one that we are reviving. . . . Christmas in Reverse.  It reminds me that Christmas is not only about remembering and celebrating Jesus' birth.  It started way before that. . . . amazing the way events unfolded to prepare the way for Jesus to come as our Savior!

I don't think sending Christmas cards is likely to be a reality in our house this year, but we would like to wish anyone reading this a blessed Christmas season   I wonder if those in heaven have a special Christmas celebration.  Perhaps it is always Christmas there. . . an eternal celebration of Jesus!

Friends

Just spent a blessed weekend with dear friends of ours from California. Leslie has been my friend since college days, and her daughter,Chary, and Sara grew up together.  Sara was able to celebrate with Chary, and be in her wedding in June of 2010.  Chary moved to England later that summer as her husband was stationed there in the airforce.  Last January God was gracious, and made it possible for Chary to come and visit with Sara here in Fallon while she was in the states for a cousin's wedding.  The girls knew it might be their last time together on this earth.  I am so, so thankful they had that time. 

I have lots of Chary and Sara memories. . . the time they consumed a whole bottle of vitamin C in one sitting. . . . (both Chary and Sara admitted that Sara ate most of them). . . . the hot pink bathing suits they had when they were about 3 and 4. . . (Sara's with a bright blue elephant on the front that accentuated her tummy - years later she always asked, "WHY mom????"). . . . . .the times they spent at my mom & dad's house in Quartz Hill, dressing up in Jennifer Wilson's old prom dresses. . . . times after we moved to Nevada that Sara and I and Chary & Leslie would meet in Bishop just to hang out . . . . they are the kind of friends that are always friends,  no matter how far away, or how long it's been since we've been together. . . a blessing and a gift.  I was so afraid that I couldn't face the pain of being with them without Sara.  There was pain. . . but still a blessing and a gift. 

I've also been thinking about Sara being up in Salem with all her roomies at this time last year.  I think this is about the time they took their roommate pictures.  Sara absolutely loved that time.  That too was a blessing and a gift.