Blessings

"We pray for blessings. 
We pray for peace, comfort for family, protection while we sleep.
We pray for healing, for prosperity. 
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering.
And all the while You hear each spoken need, yet love us way too much to give us lesser things.

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops?
What if Your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near?
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear.
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near.
We doubt Your goodness.
We doubt Your love, as if ev'ry promise from Your Word is not enough.
And all the while You hear each desp'rate plea, and long that we'd have faith to believe.

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops?
What if Your healing comes through tears?
And what if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near?
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?

When friends betray us, when darkness seems to win,
we know that pain reminds this heart that this is not, this is not our home.
It's not our home.

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops?
What if Your healing comes through tears?
And what if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near?
What if my greatest disappointments, or the aching of this life,
is a revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy?
And what if trials of this life, the rain, the storms, the hardest nights,
are Your mercies in disguise?"      (words and music by Laura Story)

When Sara was dying of cancer in the Spring of 2011, this song spoke to my heart.  I think the line that caught ahold of me then was "What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near?"  Sam even painted a pair of pictures the week after Sara's death that seemed to illustrate the song for me. . . . One of a single gerber daisy bent over under a dark and stormy rain, and another of several gerber daisies in a green field with their bright faces lifted to the sun.

I heard the song on the radio this morning on my way to work, and realized that this is still the song of my heart.  It somehow allows me to acknowledge all the doubt, fear, and heartache of this life . . . and yet at the same time embrace God's continued blessings. . . . His mercy and forgiveness, His love, His faithfulness, and the hope that we have in Jesus. 

This is not our home.  Lord help me put aside my selfishness, and let me view the trials of this life. . . as Your mercies in disguise. 

A New Year

I don't know exactly why it has become harder for me to come here to write over the past year or so, but I do know I don't want to let this go.  I don't think I am a blogger at heart.  I don't typically share my heart with others.  But "Letters on Lined Paper" was born out of my writing on Caring Bridge, which was born out of our journey with Sara and her battle with cancer, and I need things that continue to connect me to her.

The passing of time is hard.  It has been three and a half years since Sara went to be with the Lord.  It seems like a long time.  On the other hand, it seems like no time at all.  So often I wish she could step back into our lives and just be here with us.  If I'm honest, I can't deny the many days that I battle the "what ifs".  I know those "what ifs" are totally unproductive and a result of taking my focus away from trusting God. . . .but it is an honest struggle.  What if we had gotten Sara to the doctor sooner?  What if we had sought a different treatment?  What if we had made a more drastic change in her diet?  What if we had prayed harder or differently?  What if we had made her go back into the hospital for more intense treatment after her cancer kept returning?  They go on and on, getting more unproductive the longer I allow my mind to go there.  I need to choose to stop going there.  I need to choose to trust in God's sovereignty and faithfulness.  I do thank Him every day for his grace, and His constant forgiveness.  My doubt and the fear of moving forward is so often overwhelming.   I'm still trying to figure out how to do this . . . how to accept and trust and be thankful. . . .and how to carry all the memories graciously, and still be able to keep them all close in my heart.

God has been so gracious to our family.  We are so blessed with our children and our grandchildren.  Thank you Lord.