Heaven

I have been thinking that weekends are the hardest. The busyness of the work week seems to keep my mind more than occupied.  But... . sometimes that intense busyness, combined with my slightly fragile (perhaps an understatement) emotional state, can push me over the edge.  Today I was teetering on the brink.  Thank goodness it is Friday!  Tonight I am very thankful for Woody, and for cheeseburgers and fries.  Woody also brought home a picture that he had found taped to an inconspicuous place on the desk in his office.  Since I recently learned to post pictures on my blog, I felt like this was a picture that needed to be shared.  On the back of this picture Sara had written her name and the word "Heaven".  I don't know if she intended the angel to be herself, but obviously that's what we see when we look at it now.  I love all the windows.  There is no date on the paper, but I'm guessing she was 7 or 8.   It is sometimes just hard to get through each day, and I try to keep speaking truth to myself, praying that God sets it in my heart.  Tonight this picture helped. 

Seasons

Lately I keep waiting to write, thinking that maybe I'll write about something other than Sara.  Truth be told, when I'm not busy with work, church, or other responsibilities, she is what is on my mind.  Last night I couldn't sleep, so I pulled everything out of my cedar chest to find the big manilla envelope full of letters, cards, and notes that all my kids have written to me over the years. There are some from elementary school, clear up through college days and beyond.  Some are quite funny, others are heart-warming, all made me cry.  It all seems like another lifetime ago.  Even though it has been five months since Sara's death, it still seems so hard to believe that her life here on earth is over.

Woody concluded his series of sermons on Philippians 4 today, ending with Sara's life verse, "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength".  It made me think a bit about the seasons of Sara's life.  Right now, I just divide it into two, before cancer and after cancer.  I remember one time when Sam was in college and Sara was still in high school, that Sam said, "Mom, Sara just isn't going to make it. She's too happy and easy-going.  She just doesn't know what real life is like!"  Sara ALWAYS was cheerful and easy-going.  She was able to maintain that even through her battle with cancer.  When the going got tough, she  displayed a strength that we never realized she had.  She reminded herself (and us) constantly that her strength was only in trusting her Lord.  

I have two willow creek angels on my bookshelf that make me think of Sara's two seasons of life.  The "before cancer" angel is fair and blond and holding a lapful of pale pink flowers in her dress.  The "after-cancer" angel has brown curly hair and holds a lapful of bright yellow sunflowers.  They are both beautiful, but it struck me yesterday that the "after-cancer" angel is somehow more distinct and vibrant in color.  I like that word, "vibrant".  Sara was always beautiful, but I believe that after her cancer diagnosis she became even more beautiful - yes, vibrant (pulsing with energy) - that was the strength of Christ in her!

Time

Had a wonderful visit this weekend with Heidi, Kari,and littleWyatt. What joy to go in to the airport to pick them up, and have Wyatt see me and run to give me a hug!  I think his favorite word this weekend was "bomp-pa" (grandpa)!  We are greatly looking forward to Thanksgiving in Oregon, with EVERYONE. 

Time together is always a blessing.  We didn't do anything special, but it didn't matter, it was just so nice to have them close.  We still struggle to figure out how to address the loss of Sara in our lives.  She is still the subject that we all have on our hearts, but don't want to mention because we don't want to open each other's hurts.  We understand that it takes time, but the fact that time is moving on hurts too.  So we talk of it and of her a little at a time.

October

I love October.  I love when the weather starts to turn cool.  I love the Fall colors of orange, red, yellow, and brown.  And. . . it is Woody's birthday. . . what more can I say.  :)   The last few weeks have been rugged, or ragged, or maybe both.  I don't know exactly what makes one day harder than the day before, or why the next day isn't as hard as yesterday.  A friend reminded me today that we just need to keep being thankful. 

A year ago this weekend I flew to Salem to spend the weekend with Kari & Brett (and of course Wyatt), and Sara.  Then Sara and I flew to San Francisco on Sunday night, and Woody met us there.  On Monday morning Sara had her first set of follow up scans since going back to college and her "new normal" life.  We were just enjoying the time together, pretty confident that all would be fine.  I still remember the intense heaviness that settled over us when we learned that Sara had a new spot in her lung.  The oncologist said. . . . another surgery, maybe more chemo. . . . and all Sara wanted was to get it over with and go back to school.  On one hand, I hate it that she only had that two months before the cancer returned. But on the other hand, we are also so thankful for those two months.  I look back at pictures from that time and the joy just shines right out of her.  So, I am thankful.

Late at night or early in the morning I sit down at my computer and I really want to write something, but my thoughts swirl around so fast that I have a hard time organizing them to actually say anything. All my thoughts center around Sara.  I want to remember her life, I want to remember our times as a family, I want to remember before cancer, I want to remember the journey through her illness, I want to know more about heaven now, I want to know what it will be like when we see her again.  I think all those things are good, and fit into "whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honorable, whatsoever things are right, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely. . . "   But then all the "why didn't, what if, how come, why not, I wish. . ." also swirl around.  I realize I am in a constant battle with my thoughts and emotions. It is exhausting.  How am I?  Sometimes good, sometimes bad, sometimes strong, sometimes weak, occasionally happy, often sad.  Leaning on the Everlasting Arms. . ?  Trying to. . . .sometimes being able to rest in that.  Giving in to doubt, guilt, fear, and despair. . . .?  Trying not to. . . . trying to set my eyes and mind on God's truth where it should be. . . . sometimes gaining the victory in Jesus.   I do realize that is where we ALL are, every day.  I guess I am just not used to living my life so closely on the edge of my emotions.  I am not used to the struggle and the battle being so intense.  I'm not done. . . . but I have to go to work. . . so I have to be done.  Thankful that work is sometimes rest from the battle. 

I don't know what it is about me and books lately.  I still seem to get only so far, and then just can't go any further.  I picked up this lastest find, "A Mother's Grief Observed", and started out feeling like I couldn't read it fast enough.  It is written in journal style by a mother whose young son died in an unexpected accident.  The author puts into words so many things that I am feeling, and am often afraid to say.  I got about halfway through (day one hundred forty-six), and now find it harder to keep going.  There are things still to be faced and I am just too tired.  The author says it well, "It's like the river of your grief empties out into an ocean, and the vastness of life is just too overwhelming."

I often pray selfishly, and ask God. . . "If I could just see Sara, or talk to her one more time. . . .???"  I know I can't, but I feel like a little kid who keeps tugging on a mommy or daddy's sleeve saying, "Oh come one, pleeaassee!"  And then I realize again the love and wisdom of God, knowing that "one more time" would never be enough.  I am a problem solver and resolver by nature, and I feel so "unresolved".  Even as I write, I seem to always want to be able to bring myself around to being "okay", and often I just am not.  So, I am going to be okay with saying I am not okay today.  I know God loves me even when I'm not okay.  Which actually is another way of saying "I'll know I'll be okay".  Have to laugh at myself! What a way to talk in circles!

My stopping place in the book. . . "This grief will never be done.  There will always be bruises, arrows of joy, shafts of pain.  I will always have the deepest tenderness for 22 year olds. They will bring delight and bittersweetness.  More pain than joy?  For now yes.  As time passes, maybe more gratitude, less grief.  C.S. Lewis said that to love is to be vulnerable to the greatest joy, with potential for the greatest sorrow. It all hangs together."  I have often said that . . . that our children can bring us both the greatest joy and the greatest sorrow.  I didn't know that was a quote from C.S. Lewis.  So true!

Song From Philippians

Last January, the week before Sara went to the hospital in Salem, and was then care-flighted to UCSF with her lung full of fluid, I wrote a song that combined Sara's favorite verse, Woody's favorite verse, and my favorite verses. . . all from Philippians.  It was like the lull before the storm.  The kids had all been home for Christmas, and then left for New Year's.  Sara had gone back up to Oregon to get in some hours at work, and to spend some fun time with her roommates before finishing up her senior year of college.  We knew at that point that Sara's cancer had returned, but we were still hopeful that the new chemo she was taking would be effective, and that God would work a miracle.  I was reading Philippians then, just as I'm doing now.  I gave Sara a copy of the song sometime last winter, but don't think I ever actually played it for her. 
After Woody's sermon last Sunday, I remembered that I had it tucked away, and thought that now would be a good time to share it.  Someday maybe I will have the technology to put music on my blog, but for now, these are the lyrics. . . which are really just the scripture verses put together.

I can do all things through Christ, who gives me strength.

I can do all things through Christ, who gives me strength.

Being confident of this, that He who began His work

in my life, will perfect it in His time.

Rejoice in the Lord, and again I say rejoice.

Rejoice in the Lord, and again I say rejoice.

Let your patience be known, be known to all men,

for the Lord, Himself, is always near.

Be anxious for nothing, but in prayer and supplication,

with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God.

And the peace of God, which surpasses all we know,

yes, the peace of God, which surpasses all we know,

shall guard our hearts and minds, give shelter to our souls,

and surround us in the love of Christ, our Lord.

And surround us in the love of Christ, our Lord.