Different

I think I miss Sara most on weekends.  That is when we can usually connect with all our other kids, and I just can't shake the feeling that something is missing.  It is also when I am usually home cleaning the house.  There are countless little reminders of her everywhere.  I LOVE the reminders, I wouldn't want it any other way, but it does make me a little melancholy.  I just miss her. 

Five years ago, on August 31, 2009, Sara had her first major surgery related to her cancer.  The surgeons removed her entire femur, knee, and hip, and gave her what Sara called "a bionic leg".  It was the most traumatic of her surgeries, and Sara faced it like a champ.  She endured two and a half weeks in the hospital, 92 staples, six weeks of a cumbersome brace that encircled her waist and extended down below her knee, and was back in the hospital facing more chemo three and a half weeks after her surgery.  I look back now and am so amazed at how tough she was and how little she complained.  God brought us all through each step of the way.

Four years ago at this time, she was back starting classes at Corban College, determined to finish her senior  year.  We missed her, but we were rejoicing and praising God that He had brought her through the year of treatment, that the cancer was beaten, and that she was actually able to go back to school.

Three years ago, we were still trying to figure out how to accept the fact that Sara was gone, that the cancer had returned, and that God's plan was to take her home at the age of 22.  Some days I feel like I'm still trying to figure out how to accept that.  TRUST is a big thing.

I know this is true for countless others who have suffered loss, and I know everyone has.  It is a struggle of life.  When Sara died, there were people who said (in a loving and well-meaning way) that it would get better with time.  I don't think I really believe it gets better, it just becomes different.   I'm praying that God would grant me a deeper TRUST in Him, which is the basis of FAITH, which is the basis of HOPE.

 August 2010 - Sam's wedding

3 years

It's been eight months since I've written here on my blog.  I don't know why exactly.  I think I reached a point where I felt like I couldn't condense my thoughts into words that were worth sharing.  I think it is just hard to see life going on. . . . but it does.  It often still feels like I'd rather suspend time so that all my memories of Sara remain clear and fresh, and recent. . . . .or, fast forward to the time that we can all be together for eternity. 

Today. . . . three years since the night that Sara went to be with the Lord. . . .for HER sake. . . I would not wish her back here to live with the pain and stress of cancer.  She is far better off where she is.  But I would so love to be able to spend the weekend with her. . . .hearing all about the last three years she has spent in heaven. 

As it is for everyone. . . my daily struggle is Philippians 4:8. . . ."whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good report, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, let your mind dwell on these things"

Focusing on all the lovely memories and trying to let go of all the things I wish were different but can't be.