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It is hard to believe this will be our 5th Christmas without Sara.  It's also hard to fathom that this will be Sara's 5th Christmas in heaven.  I can only imagine!

As time goes by, it is ever important to be able to pull out all the memories and hold them close.  On my way to work this morning I started thinking of all the things that remind me of Sara, and things I knew were her favorites.  It is too hard to categorize them. . . much easier to just make a random list as they come to mind. . . . .

. . . singing, dancing, musical theater, laughing till it hurts, the color red, stars, nail polish, coloring books, scotchmallows, mashed potatoes, oreos and milk, Starbucks red Christmas cups, white chocolate mocha, everyone coming home for Christmas, playing games, bowling, time with friends, all the family being together, starbursts, kids camp, siblings and siblings in law, reading, Jesus, team sports (for the team not the sport), jokes, gerbera daisies, her journal, spoon rings, hoodies, White Christmas, the Rockettes, Sandlot, being Aunt Sara, hot pretzels from the movie theater, cherry coke, pancakes on Saturday mornings, snow, chocolate muffins, her special blanket, mounds of pillows, grandparents, patriotic colors, turkey sandwiches, pie crust (with no filling), crafts, fine point sharpies, making things for her friends, Philippians 4:13, pedicures, water ballet, gymnastics, a Minnie Mouse voice, talking, mascara, comfy pajamas, roommates, princesses, road trips, the beach, shopping, shoes, listening to music, curly hair, . . . . .

Every memory calls up more memories. . . .and I love it.  I remember when Sara was in high school and Sam, Heidi, and Kari were all away at college.  Her favorite part of Christmas was all of them coming home.  This picture reminds me of those times.  I have to say that was probably my favorite part of those Christmases too.  So thankful for the blessing of these four gifts, and the way God continues to abundantly bless!

 February 2011                                                            July 2015

                                                 Our newest blessing - Olivia Sara Steenhoek

A Coloring Book

Dear Sara,

Today I bought you a coloring book.  (kind of ridiculous I know)  I was wandering through Walgreens, buying cards and looking at their clearance aisle.  I happened to see this flower mosaic coloring book, complete with a set of colored pencils, and I couldn't help myself.  I immediately picked it up thinking, "Sara would love this!'  It was exactly the kind of coloring book you loved when you were recovering from chemo.  We bought several from Amazon, which you liked and used, but none of those were as perfect as this one.  As I flipped through the pages I saw hearts, flowers, owls, and intricate designs of all sizes and shapes.  It reminded me of all the zentangle designs you used to draw.  I reluctantly put it back on the shelf, thinking, "Heidi and Kari don't have time to color. . . . and the grandkids are too young for this."  But I couldn't walk away without it.  So I bought it.  I came home and put it in the dresser with so many other things that remind me of you.  When the time is right I will get it out, and your sisters and I will color with your nieces and nephews while we tell them stories of their Aunt Sara.

I am realizing that I can now talk about you without my eyes filling up with tears.  I know that I don't have to worry about you.  I know where you are.  I know you are safe and happy. I know you are free from pain and fear.  I know you are rejoicing in the presence of the Lord.  I am thankful for all those things.  I just miss you.

Love you so much, Mom

The Orphan Train

I LOVE children. . . . .I LOVE music. . . . . I LOVE a good story. . . . .  I LOVE children's musical theater!  I actually love all musical theater, but I particularly love to work with the kids.

For the past two weeks I have had the privilege of working with a fantastic production crew, and an absolutely amazing bunch of kids from our community.   We have done a children's musical theater camp for several summers now, and each year I think the one we are doing is my favorite, but I really do believe the one we are doing this year is a FAVORITE favorite.  We decided to go with the theme of the orphan trains in the late 1800's and early 1900's.  We pulled together music from several musicals and movies (both old and new), and made an outline of where we wanted the story to go.   We researched the history and personal stories of several of the orphan train riders, and then wrote our own script, so that no one child was featured, but all the characters interact with each other in an equal way.  We picked out a few of the train riders and followed their stories, sharing these with the children who were cast in these roles, along with several old photographs.

The result has been absolutely incredible!  We have all been drawn into the stories and we have had a wonderful two weeks together.  We continue to be amazed at the talent these kids have, how quickly they can pick up the songs and dances, remember their lines, and deliver them with the expression and emotion that really pull the audience in.  It has also provided an opportunity to relate the plight of the orphans to our own hopelessness before God in His graciousness draws us into His arms and into His family when we accept His offer of salvation through Jesus Christ.  And. . . . the eternal joy we have in being a child of God!

So now we finish up the costuming, put the final touches on the set, polish up the songs, scenes, and special effects, and get set for dress rehearsal on Thursday and performances on Friday and Saturday evenings.  My huge and heartfelt thanks to the team of volunteers making this happen, to all the kids performing, and all the parents who have trusted us with their kids these past two weeks.   I love you all. . . .. this brings joy to my heart!

Mugged

So here's something I never thought I would be writing about. . . . "What do you do when someone tries to mug you?"  I remember being in high school and going to a special assembly for girls called "Looking Forward To Being Attacked".  In fact, I still have the workbook by that same name that they gave out sitting on my bookshelf.  The big thing the workshop emphasized was being aware of your surroundings and other people, and not giving off the aura or attitude of a victim.  Being the overly cautious type of person that I am, I believe I have always taken that to heart.  My girls always complained that I walked too fast when we were shopping. . . . . . and I always told them that it was because I walked "with purpose" (which is supposed to make you less of a victim).  I do have to say I think my walking speed has slowed a little in the last few years.

Well, yesterday, none of that being aware or walking with purpose made any difference.  I experienced what it was like to be a potential victim.  Potential is the key word here because I'm telling you right up front that the guy did NOT get my purse!

Woody and I were down in Southern California visiting my mom.  We had gone out to breakfast and then decided we would do a little shopping before leaving to come back to Nevada.  Mom and I decided to go to Hobby Lobby because I needed to pick up some supplies to build a set for a children's musical that starts next week.  Woody wasn't too keen on walking around in Hobby Lobby, so we dropped him off at the mall to check out the sporting goods stores while we did our crafting business.

Mom and I finished our shopping and were walking through the parking lot to our car.  Mom was pushing the shopping cart and I was walking to her left with my purse on my left shoulder.  All of a sudden I heard someone running behind me, and a guy bumped into me on my left, grabbing my purse as he ran by.  I yelled and hung on.  We spent a few seconds (that seemed like much longer) face to face in a tug of war over my purse.  The guy then gave a hard jerk to the side, flipping me off my feet and on to the pavement.  I still hung on tight.  He proceeded to drag me across the pavement, both of us hanging on to my purse.  The guy never said a word, and I just kept yelling at him to stop, and to LET GO OF MY PURSE!

It is strange to consider all the things that run quickly through your mind in just a few seconds.  I did think of just letting go. . . . . but then I thought of all the hassle it would be to cancel all our accounts. . . . .and I had just renewed my driver's license. . . . .and my car keys. . . . and my day planner with some important information. . . . .and Sara's coin purse with her driver's license and medical cards (that I have just kept in my purse ever since her cancer returned and I carried those things for her). .. . . . . and I thought. . . . "NO, I am NOT letting him have my purse!"  Then I thought, "I hope he doesn't have a gun.  If he takes out a gun, maybe I will let go."  Then while he was dragging me across the pavement, I thought, "This is what those cowboys in the movies feel like when they are dragged on a rope behind their horse.  I don't know how long I can do this."  (Random thought I know!)

Then all of a sudden the guy just let go and ran away.  He jumped into a waiting car and away they went.  I looked up to see my mom standing by me holding her purse over her head.  She was getting ready to try to hit him in the head with it.  (I'm not really sure how much good that would have done. . . .but I could tell she was MAD!)   I got up, brushed myself off, assured my mom that I was okay, and we got in the car to go pick up Woody at the mall.  I think the whole thing was probably harder on my mom to have to watch, and on Woody for wishing he had been there, than it was for me.

My mom and I both agreed that our first emotion was anger at the guy for being such a jerk.  Then  I was kind of proud of myself for not letting go and letting him win.  The fear came after it was all over.  The more I think about it, the more grateful I become.  It was a horrible experience, but God sure took care of us.  I am so thankful the guy didn't go after my mom.  I'm thankful he didn't have a gun or a knife.  I'm thankful he didn't punch me in the face or beat me up.  And. . . . I'm thankful he was unsuccessful in getting my purse.  At this point, I can even say I am kind of thankful for the warning . . . . . that no matter how careful you are, or how much you feel like you are in control of the situation. . . . you aren't.

I will continue to be cautious and be aware (more than ever after this).  I will continue to pray for God's direction and God's protection, for myself and my loved ones.  And I will continue to try to trust Him and be thankful in every situation.

A little bit of advice for all you girls and women. . . . .Be aware, consider how you carry your purse, and consider what you carry in your purse.  I know I will!

Missing Sara

Four years ago today we buried Sara's earthly body and celebrated the hope of one day being reunited with her in heaven.  We hold on to that hope. . . . but oh how we miss her!  This week has been busy, and full of the drama of all that is going on in life right now.   In spite of it all, in quiet moments my mind still floods with memories of those last days we spent with Sara four years ago.  I have much to be thankful for. . . and I am thankful.  But all I can think of tonight is how much I miss her. 

Blessings

"We pray for blessings. 
We pray for peace, comfort for family, protection while we sleep.
We pray for healing, for prosperity. 
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering.
And all the while You hear each spoken need, yet love us way too much to give us lesser things.

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops?
What if Your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near?
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear.
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near.
We doubt Your goodness.
We doubt Your love, as if ev'ry promise from Your Word is not enough.
And all the while You hear each desp'rate plea, and long that we'd have faith to believe.

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops?
What if Your healing comes through tears?
And what if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near?
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?

When friends betray us, when darkness seems to win,
we know that pain reminds this heart that this is not, this is not our home.
It's not our home.

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops?
What if Your healing comes through tears?
And what if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near?
What if my greatest disappointments, or the aching of this life,
is a revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy?
And what if trials of this life, the rain, the storms, the hardest nights,
are Your mercies in disguise?"      (words and music by Laura Story)

When Sara was dying of cancer in the Spring of 2011, this song spoke to my heart.  I think the line that caught ahold of me then was "What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near?"  Sam even painted a pair of pictures the week after Sara's death that seemed to illustrate the song for me. . . . One of a single gerber daisy bent over under a dark and stormy rain, and another of several gerber daisies in a green field with their bright faces lifted to the sun.

I heard the song on the radio this morning on my way to work, and realized that this is still the song of my heart.  It somehow allows me to acknowledge all the doubt, fear, and heartache of this life . . . and yet at the same time embrace God's continued blessings. . . . His mercy and forgiveness, His love, His faithfulness, and the hope that we have in Jesus. 

This is not our home.  Lord help me put aside my selfishness, and let me view the trials of this life. . . as Your mercies in disguise. 

A New Year

I don't know exactly why it has become harder for me to come here to write over the past year or so, but I do know I don't want to let this go.  I don't think I am a blogger at heart.  I don't typically share my heart with others.  But "Letters on Lined Paper" was born out of my writing on Caring Bridge, which was born out of our journey with Sara and her battle with cancer, and I need things that continue to connect me to her.

The passing of time is hard.  It has been three and a half years since Sara went to be with the Lord.  It seems like a long time.  On the other hand, it seems like no time at all.  So often I wish she could step back into our lives and just be here with us.  If I'm honest, I can't deny the many days that I battle the "what ifs".  I know those "what ifs" are totally unproductive and a result of taking my focus away from trusting God. . . .but it is an honest struggle.  What if we had gotten Sara to the doctor sooner?  What if we had sought a different treatment?  What if we had made a more drastic change in her diet?  What if we had prayed harder or differently?  What if we had made her go back into the hospital for more intense treatment after her cancer kept returning?  They go on and on, getting more unproductive the longer I allow my mind to go there.  I need to choose to stop going there.  I need to choose to trust in God's sovereignty and faithfulness.  I do thank Him every day for his grace, and His constant forgiveness.  My doubt and the fear of moving forward is so often overwhelming.   I'm still trying to figure out how to do this . . . how to accept and trust and be thankful. . . .and how to carry all the memories graciously, and still be able to keep them all close in my heart.

God has been so gracious to our family.  We are so blessed with our children and our grandchildren.  Thank you Lord.

Different

I think I miss Sara most on weekends.  That is when we can usually connect with all our other kids, and I just can't shake the feeling that something is missing.  It is also when I am usually home cleaning the house.  There are countless little reminders of her everywhere.  I LOVE the reminders, I wouldn't want it any other way, but it does make me a little melancholy.  I just miss her. 

Five years ago, on August 31, 2009, Sara had her first major surgery related to her cancer.  The surgeons removed her entire femur, knee, and hip, and gave her what Sara called "a bionic leg".  It was the most traumatic of her surgeries, and Sara faced it like a champ.  She endured two and a half weeks in the hospital, 92 staples, six weeks of a cumbersome brace that encircled her waist and extended down below her knee, and was back in the hospital facing more chemo three and a half weeks after her surgery.  I look back now and am so amazed at how tough she was and how little she complained.  God brought us all through each step of the way.

Four years ago at this time, she was back starting classes at Corban College, determined to finish her senior  year.  We missed her, but we were rejoicing and praising God that He had brought her through the year of treatment, that the cancer was beaten, and that she was actually able to go back to school.

Three years ago, we were still trying to figure out how to accept the fact that Sara was gone, that the cancer had returned, and that God's plan was to take her home at the age of 22.  Some days I feel like I'm still trying to figure out how to accept that.  TRUST is a big thing.

I know this is true for countless others who have suffered loss, and I know everyone has.  It is a struggle of life.  When Sara died, there were people who said (in a loving and well-meaning way) that it would get better with time.  I don't think I really believe it gets better, it just becomes different.   I'm praying that God would grant me a deeper TRUST in Him, which is the basis of FAITH, which is the basis of HOPE.

 August 2010 - Sam's wedding

3 years

It's been eight months since I've written here on my blog.  I don't know why exactly.  I think I reached a point where I felt like I couldn't condense my thoughts into words that were worth sharing.  I think it is just hard to see life going on. . . . but it does.  It often still feels like I'd rather suspend time so that all my memories of Sara remain clear and fresh, and recent. . . . .or, fast forward to the time that we can all be together for eternity. 

Today. . . . three years since the night that Sara went to be with the Lord. . . .for HER sake. . . I would not wish her back here to live with the pain and stress of cancer.  She is far better off where she is.  But I would so love to be able to spend the weekend with her. . . .hearing all about the last three years she has spent in heaven. 

As it is for everyone. . . my daily struggle is Philippians 4:8. . . ."whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good report, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, let your mind dwell on these things"

Focusing on all the lovely memories and trying to let go of all the things I wish were different but can't be. 

Dreams and Thoughts

I'm dreaming again.  I am a person who has always had very vivid and outlandish dreams (that I could usually remember with much clarity).  Then I went through I time when I stopped dreaming (probably has something to do with the fact that it has also been quite awhile since I have had a good nights sleep).  Sleep still eludes me, but I usually fall asleep and stay that way sometime between 2:00 and 3:00am.  Now that school has started, I'm back to getting up between 5:00 and 5:30am, and this week I have had some crazy dreams that stay with me when my alarm goes off.

The first day of school I woke up from a dream where I had decided to go see my friend Leslie in California for one last visit before school started.  I had spent the night, confident that I could get up, get ready, and make it to school by 7:00am.  In my dream, my alarm went off at 5:00am and I realized that there was no way I could drive from Southern California to get here to Fallon by 7:00.  To make matters worse, I couldn't find her bathroom to take a shower, couldn't find my clothes. . . . and I finally woke up, relieved that I really only had a 10 minute drive to school!

Some of my other dreams this week have included Woody and I moving into an old "antique style" house, complete with many interesting nooks and crannies (that I have never seen in reality but somehow recognized from previous dreams).  Weird!  I also dreamt that I was diagnosed with Siberian cancer of the mouth (have no idea where that came from, but it was so real that I was ready to look it up on the internet the next morning to see if there was such a thing).  I even dreamt that I had a baby.  It was supposed to be a boy, but actually turned out to be a girl.  She came out talking and looking exactly like one of my adorable 2nd graders at school, with long brown hair and freckles.  The best dream was that Sara was actually with me all the time, but no one could see her except me.  Selfish I know, but it was wonderful!  How I wish that could be true.  I would absolutely be willing to share her if we could have her back!  I'm thankful for the dream anyway. . . . hope I have it again. 

I went to get my hair cut on Thursday after school and picked up a magazine while I was waiting.  The first thing I opened to was an advertisement for the City of Hope cancer center.  The ad said something like. . . "Two of my friends were knocked down by cancer.  The doctor told them they should just enjoy the time they had left.  Instead of giving up, they contacted the City of Hope Cancer Center, and now. . . they are both cancer free!"  I can't even tell you what that did to my heart.  I am happy for those people, but it takes my mind right back down the path of. . . . maybe we didn't do the right thing for Sara.  Maybe we should have left UCSF and sought another opinion or another course of treatment.  Maybe we should have made Sara stay on an intensive regimen of chemo even when the doctors said it wouldn't cure her but would only make her last days more miserable.  Maybe we should have pursued some of the obscure clinics or treatment plans that were constantly swirling around us.  Maybe we just didn't pray hard enough. . . . .maybe, maybe.    I know all these thoughts are futile and unproductive (and not God-honoring).  I know that we have to trust that God took Sara EXACTLY when and how He planned.  But it is still hard.  It will always be hard.  Trusting God and surrendering to Him is a DAILY, no HOURLY discipline.  We know we need to do it, but we need HIS strength to keep at it and to let HIM accomplish it in us. 

Philippians 4:8  ". . .whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, let your mind dwell on these things."    Still counting 1000 (plus) gifts. . .

370.  Sleeping long enough to dream
371.  Good memories
372.  Children
373.  Grandchildren
374.  Busy days at school
375.  Recess outside
376.  Constant and complete forgiveness
377.  Air conditioning
378.  Early morning sunshine
379.  Three day weekends
380.  Anticipation of Fall
381.  Pumpkin everything!

Summer's Over - Back to School

So another summer comes to an end.  This summer ended on a very high note with the birth of our third grandbaby on August 21st.  Graden Ames Timmerman joined his brother Wyatt, and sweet little cousin Ellery.  We feel so incredibly blessed to have been able to spend so much time with all of our children this summer, and to have plenty (although never enough) of grandma and grandpa time.

Enjoyed some good books, worked in the yard, grew some beautiful flowers, found some fun antiques (or maybe just good junk with character), did some craft projects, worked with children's musical theater camp and put on a fun pirate musical, spent a little time with friends, and spent a lot of time with family.  God has used many things this summer to keep me reflecting on where my heart is.  The best thing I know to do when things seem rough is to focus on blessings, and all I have to be thankful for.   So thankful for God's grace! 

The REAL pirates. . . .

 

And our precious grandchildren . . .

Pirate Beards

Yes, this is an amazing family. . . . who will humor their mother and actually pose for a picture in pirate beards.  So thankful for each of our kids and their spouses. . . and of course grandkids!  We are extremely thankful for every moment we get to spend together.

 

 

 

Summer

The summer sure does go by quickly.  I'm so thankful for a job in the school district.  Having a couple of months off during the summer, but knowing there is another busy schedule coming just around the corner, definitely enhances my appreciation of leisure time.   I like to be busy, but I also like to "putter".   I like to be with people, but I also need some time to myself, and I crave time with family (which is a challenge now that Woody and I are at least a long day's drive from any of our family).  I am very thankful for summer puttering and summer visiting. 

So far we have enjoyed time with my mom, time with some dear California friends, time with our kids (and grandkids) in Oregon, time with Heidi and Brady (and Sandi Patti - the dog) as they came through town on their road trip to Oregon, time working in the yard, and plenty of time puttering.  I actually just looked up the word puttering in the dictionary.  It means "to occupy oneself aimlessly, as in wasting time".  I feel like I should look for a different word now, because I believe that my time has been spent productively, and productive puttering would seem to be an oxymoron.  Oh well.  I am still going to give myself permission to continue puttering this summer.

Another blessing is that as I was struggling today with the technology of downloading pictures from my camera to my computer (should be a simple task I know), I found a file of pictures on my computer that I hadn't seen for a long time.  One thing about missing Sara is that it is such a gift to randomly come upon a picture of her, or something of hers that sparks a memory.  It's the same with special songs, funny stories, or little things I see that I know she'd like. I hope and pray I have those sparks in a constant and consistent way for the rest of my life here on this earth.  We are going to celebrate Sara's birthday in Oregon with all of the kids this year, and we will embrace all those memories as we wish we could be embracing her. 

A picture from Sara's senior year in high school

                                   

Time with Wyatt & Ellery

                                   

Time with my amazing mom

Being creative in our backyard

351.  The Happy Book - a gift from a much-loved friend

352.  Antique stores

353.  Browsing

354.  Summer rain

355.  Yard art

356.  Flowers

357.  Good books 

358.  New songs

359.  Air conditioning

360.  A comfortable home

361.  Salted caramel coffee ice cream cake

362.  Road trips

363.  The funny things children say

364.  Being honest with yourself

365.  So many daily blessings that I never want to take for granted

366.  Time to be quiet

367.  God's never-failing love, patience, & forgiveness  

368.  Learning to yield

369.  Creative outlets - like crocheting pirate beards - Pirate musical coming the end of July!                    

My goal is to number at least 1,000 gifts and blessings.  I haven't gone back and read through the first three hundred, but I'm fairly certain there are many repeats.  That's okay.  When I get to 1,000 I'll be interested to go back and see which blessings are listed over and over again.  Most of all I want to keep cultivating a thankful heart.  Not holding on to things of this world, but keeping my eyes on God, the One who provides, and finding joy in Him.   

          

                                                                               

Birthday Blessings

Yesterday was my birthday.  I had set my expectations pretty low in anticipation of the day, or even the week.  As May rolls into June the memories that flood my mind are of my birthday in June 2009 when Woody and Sara and I headed to Reno to "get Sara's knee fixed" and then spend the day celebrating with shopping and dinner.  Instead we began our journey with Sara's cancer. 

In June 2010 Sara bought a heart charm and had it engraved on one side "June 2009" and on the other side "Phil 4:13".  She was done with her year of treatment and set to move forward with her life.  She said she wanted something to always remind her of what God had brought her through, and she wore it on a bracelet.  I wear that charm now, and I will always remember.

There's a line in a song. . . ."HE gives and takes away, HE gives and takes away.  My heart will choose to say, 'Lord, blessed be Your name!"  It's hard to accept God taking Sara away, but He has given me so much.  My birthday was a great reminder of that.  Thankful list continued. . . .

331.  My parents. . . I miss my Dad. . . my mom is absolutely AMAZING!
332.  My brother and his family. . . don't get to see them much. . . love them to pieces
333.  My husband. . . such a blessing. . . and his family . . . blessings overflowing
334.  Our kids and their spouses. . . .they fill my heart
335.  Early morning phone calls
336.  Grandkids. . . oh what absolute JOY!
337.  Ellery Sara Swenson born 5/29. . . . pure preciousness!
338.  Airplanes!!
339.  Friends and family near and far. . . . gifts from God every one
340.  A job I love. . . with a staff and kids that are absolutely wonderful!
341.  Laughter with co-workers. . .even when things are hectic and crazy
342.  A ga-zillion birthday wishes and hugs from my kids at school
343.  Watching kids grow up. . . investing in their lives. . . loving them
344.  High school kids. . . graduations
345.  Flowers. . . fun pots/containers. . . watering early in the morning or late in the evening
346.  Summertime
347.  Planning musicals
348. The end of a school year
349.  Memories. . .
350.  The grace and mercy of God that gets us through each day!

. . . . . could go on and on. . . . gotta go to work. . . .second to the last day of school with kids!

Blessings in a Bucket

After 17 years of living in our house, we have finally gotten around to doing some landscaping in our backyard.  It took us a long time to figure out what we wanted to do, but now it's kind of fun to have some trees and plants out there. . . and to see which ones we can actually keep living and growing!

This weekend, I decided I needed some "containers with character" that I could fill with flowers to add some interest and color.   My dear friend has a store here in Fallon called "Blessings in a Bucket".  Besides loving the name of the shop, I just had a hunch that she would have the sort of treasures I was looking for . . . and I was not disappointed.   I think this is going to be my on-going summer project. . . . collecting containers and planting flowers! 

I also found a RED table . . . which reminded me of Sara.  It makes a perfect addition to our back porch "chair time"! 

Ellery Sara Swenson

Today is the birthday of our second grandchild and first granddaughter.  Sam and Kimberly are the proud parents of this little (actually not so little) bundle of pure joy.  Ellery was born this morning weighing 9lbs 14oz, and 22.5 inches long.  It is already evident that she will have her daddy wrapped around her little finger.  We are so thankful for her safe delivery and that both Kimberly and Ellery are doing well.  Our hearts are in Oregon tonight. . . . and our bodies will be there as soon as possible.  So blessed!

gifts. . . .

322.  Reading stories written by 1st graders
323.  First graders
324.  Spring planting
325.  Perennials that actually come back after a Nevada winter - at the Swenson's
326.  An awesome school staff who declared this week "Counselor Appreciation Week"
327.  So You Think You Can Dance - so many memories of watching this in the hospital with Sara
328.  Granddaughter Ellery Sara Swenson due May 25th - praying for safe delivery for baby and mama
329.  Craft projects
330.  Dancing in the rain 

Happy Mother's Day

I am so very thankful for my mother.  I have always hoped to grow up to be just like her. . . and that is still my hope!  Mom you are one of life's biggest blessings and you are greatly loved.  I am thankful that God has so blessed me as a daughter and also as a mom.  Sam. . . Heidi. . . Kari. . . Sara. . . all precious, precious gifts!

 

 

 

 

Favorites

So I left work early today. . . .just needing to be by myself. . . .one of those times when you need something, but you don't know exactly what you need. . . .or what you think you need you can't have. 
I went to the cemetery wanting to sit by Sara's grave, and wouldn't you know, the groundskeeper's cart was parked right there.  He was SLOWLY raking, putting down extra dirt . . . .and whatever else it is that they do.  So I parked a ways away and waited for him to be done.  My plan was to relax, think, pray, remember. . . .but of course all I did was worry about how long he was going to take.  I finally did get some time there, but by then the sprinklers were coming on so. . . oh well. . . she's not THERE anyway. 

Driving away, I tried to think of what I should do next. . . but being that I needed to use the restroom. . . I knew I would have to do it fairly quickly.   I finally decided I would stop at the quick market and get pepsi freezes to take home for Woody and I.  That is something that Sara and I often did, or that I picked up for her when she was feeling yucky.  So I stopped, gathered my change and went inside. . . . only to find that the machine was defrosting. . . so no pepsi freezes.  At that point I knew I just had to go home.
Yes, my first tendency was to want to cry, or be very annoyed.  But then I imagined Sara sitting in the front seat next to me (because this sort of thing happened with us many a time).  I would vent, she would laugh, and I would feel better.  So I made myself laugh.  It was a true "Sara" memory. 

It's not about not understanding, or being angry because it isn't fair.  Nothing's fair and everyone has lost people they love.  Like others in similar situations, it's just about missing her so very much.  I feel like I can't get enough of the memories, or I'm afraid I won't remember them all, or that they will fade away if I don't hang on.  When I remember the pain Sara endured, I'm so, so thankful that she is beyond all that and rejoicing in heaven.  I would never wish her back for her.  I just have to deal with the wishing her back for us.

We've had many loving, encouraging notes this week, and beautiful flowers. . . .sweet thoughts from thoughtful friends.  I love that Sara is remembered.  I want to remember everything about her.  I need to remember her favorite things, and since I am a list maker, I figure this is a good time and place. 

Sara's favorites - a RANDOM listing
All her siblings (and their spouses)
The family together
Disney princesses - especially Cinderella
Red nail polish
Pedicures
Silver jewelery - especially rings
Mascara
Bubble gum
Scotchmallows
The summer after her senior year in high school
Oreos and milk
Otis Spunkmeier chocolate muffins and milk
Naming her cars - Sally and Dolly
Being aunt Sara
Stars and polka dots
The color red
Rain boots
Flip flops
Silly songs
Camp
Singing and dancing - at the same time
Reading and journaling
Gymnastics
Fluffy pillows
Soft blankets
Being in, choreographing, or helping with musicals - in any capacity
Wicked
Harry Potter
Friends - in real life and the TV show
White Christmas - and the song "Sisters"
Big sun glasses
Big lip smacker lip gloss
Target
Playing games
Quelf
Bowling
Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy
Gerber daisies
Her roommates - every single one she ever had
Her red phone - talking to and texting her friends
Worship songs - especially The Revelation Song
Bright colored socks
Lotion on her feet
Dairy Queen blizzards
Soft pretzels from the movie theater
Cherry Coke
White chocolate mochas from Starbucks
Starbucks red Christmas cups
CHRISTMAS
Red, white, and blue
Letters on lined paper
Salad with ranch dressing
Mac & cheese
Mashed potatoes
BBQs
Going to Grandma's
Painting
Making gifts
New York
So You Think You Can Dance
Cooking shows
Enchanted
The Sandlot
Little kids
Playing crazy rum
Pie with no filling - just the crust
Steamed broccoli
Bacon cheeseburgers
Starbursts and skittles (the kind in the blue bag)
Quesadillas
Laughter with friends and family

Gotta stop.  That's a start for now.  So thankful for memories. 

beginnings. . . . . and endings. . . . and beginnings

May 1st . . .  April, May, and June are filled with memories of beginnings and endings.  I guess that is not really anything phenomenal, we could all probably say that about any month or season.  That is life. . . . beginnings and endings and the story in between.  The pain in Sara's knee became more than a minor discomfort in April of 2009.  She came home in May and we made an appointment with the doctor for June 4th.  Her treatment for osteosarcoma started immediately.  In April of 2010 Sara completed her protocol of chemo and her second lung surgery.  May and June were months of recovery, physical therapy, a "final" leg surgery, and plans for resuming her life.  May 2nd of 2011 was the end of Sara's life here on earth.   I still don't understand it, I still don't want to accept it, I still struggle against it. . . . . but I am beyond thankful that for Sara, that ending was just a glorious new beginning.  I will also always be thankful for those two years we had with Sara.  It was two years of recognizing and appreciating all the things we loved about her, and never taking her for granted.  That was a gift, and I know we were blessed. 

On days when the choice to get up and keep going is particularly difficult, I realize that I have neglected to grab hold of what God continually offers.  That is also a choice that is sometimes just hard to make. 
I need to continue my "thankful list".

311.  The vastness of God's grace and mercy
312.  Busy days that pass quickly
313.  Lasting friendships
314.  That VHS can become DVD - memories of good times
315.  When an ending becomes a better beginning
316.  Face time - both real and virtual
317.  New green growth coming up through plants we thought were dead
318.  Open windows
319.  Spring flowers
320.  New recipes - like curry chicken
321.  Family

Gotta go to work. . . . . .