February

Hard to believe it is February already!  It's kind of funny that it feels like you ramp up through November and December, feeling like "if you can just get everything done". . . . .then you get to the end of December, the end of the year. . . .and then it's January, and you realize you have to start all over again!  I guess a more positive and optimistic approach would be to say . . . you GET to do it all over again.  I'm a "like to plan ahead", "lay out a plan" kind of person.  (just like my dad, who always had 5-year, 10-year, and even a 15-year plan!)  I kind of like blaming the way I am on my dad.  I remember him showing me his plans when I was a little girl.  The thing I remember most was that I was supposed to be a nurse.  I must have really thrown him for a loop when I told him I wanted to major in music and "live on love".  I told him that he had encouraged it by making me stick to my piano lessons!   Anyway, January can be quite exhausting as you try to get all your little ducks in a row for the year ahead.  When will I learn??!!   I'm trying to give all my ducks a very wide path this year.  (then telling them to keep their eyes on Jesus!)   :)

This is where I come when I need to talk about Sara.  There is a great need to keep embracing the past, even with all its pain and difficulty, at the same time as we try to take steps into a future that just seems so strange.  I still feel a bit like I am on the outside looking in, or in a dream waiting to wake up and have things seem normal again.  I should also know by now that "normal" should probably be kicked out the window.
Rabbit trail coming. . . . .I would so love to be on the committee that reviews the dictionary and decides what new words should be added and what words are no longer relevant.  Take "normal" for example. . . dictionary definition;  Conforming, adhering to, or constituting a usual or typical pattern, level, or type.  Hmmmmm!  Rabbit trail continuing. . . . while we are talking committees. . . I would also like to be on the committees that make decisions about daylight savings time, holidays, what music is popular, and what foods are healthy for you, just to name a few.  I would also like Heidi to be on those committees with me.  Woody, Sam, and Kari. . . . we would seek your opinions of course. 

Anyway, as I look ahead to February, my thoughts are filled with the memories of last Valentines Day, and of our family get-together in Reno for Sara's college graduation.  It was at this time last year that Sara decided she was going to stop the chemo.  It was making her so very, very sick, and the doctors suggested that she consider quality of life. It was hard. She struggled with not wanting to give up, but yet wanting to accept whatever God had for her.  We struggled with the myriad of other suggestions given to us, wondering how much we should push Sara to try something different. . . . for the same reasons.  Some of those struggles will always pull at my heart.  But greater than that, and in spite of the struggles. . . life was definitely high quality last February, March, and April, and those months were a blessing to our whole family.  I will treasure those memories forever.