Tug-of-war

It seems pretty impossible to find a way to express the constant tug-of-war that takes place with my emotions.  Memories of Sara are so precious, and bring so much joy.  I'm SO glad that Dancing with the Stars is done.  I spent most of last week wondering what on earth ever caused me to believe that I would be able to do that!  But during the time I danced I did feel like I could FEEL Sara's joy.  The  best part of the whole weekend was having my family there, and I felt like it was a good thing for us together.  If I embarrassed the kids too badly, at least they hid it very well! 

I look at each one of our kids, and I am so very thankful.  It is hard to figure out how I can be so thankful, and yet also feel so very sad.  Almost everything we do brings reminders of Sara.  I LOVE those reminders,  yet they make my heart ache.  During our trip to Oregon this week, I kept thinking of all the times we made that trip with Sara. . . . the times we were going up to visit Sam or Kari . . . the times we were taking or picking Sara up from college. . . and the time a year ago, when we made the trip to sort through and pack up all of her stuff to bring home.  Most of her things she gave away.  She never even unpacked the few boxes she kept after we got home, and I think she knew as she hugged  her Oregon friends that it would probably be her last good-bye. 

I kind of dread this coming month, and I dread the one-year anniversary of Sara's death. It somehow seems that the date should mark something. . . . but it is just that a year has gone by without Sara.  She has been in heaven for almost a year.  That just seems so strange.  Even as we accept what's happened,  I wonder if we'll ever get to the place that we stop waiting for her to come back.  And at the same time. . . .we go on, we keep busy, we move forward.   Truth is this. . . . God's mercies are new every morning.