132. My daughter-in-law's blog (kimmyswenson.blogspot.com) - love it!
133. Getting ready for a new school year - crazy and chaotic - but fun too
134. Air conditioning - such a WONDERFUL invention!
135. Kids - mine and kids in general - all ages
136. Things that help me re-focus and "get a grip" when I miss Sara so much I literally feel like my chest is caving in and I can't breathe
There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about and miss Sara. I LIKE thinking about her and missing her. I don't want that to go away. But. . . .there are random times when something hits me, and my heart just doesn't want to believe that she's really gone. Those are the times when I feel like an iron fist hits me in the stomach and then squeezes my chest so that I can barely breathe. It really is a constant and daily choice of focus. . . thankful or despairing. . . . acceptance of God's will or my ridiculous attempts at control. . . .
This morning I found myself wondering why I seem to have such a hard time keeping my focus on God, and keeping a thankful spirit. Is it a season of life. . . getting old and achy. . . lack of sleep. . . losing Sara. . . empty nest. . . the heartaches everywhere. . . spiritual immaturity. . . a bad attitude. . . all of the above? I think there is NO season of life that is easy. Every season has it's challenges. Maybe it is the faulty thinking that we (I) should be getting better at handling those challenges. Why should I think I can ever let my guard down? It IS a constant battle that we all face.
I'm getting tired of the rollercoaster of life analogy and need a new word picture. This morning in the shower (one of my thinking places), I had this crazy thought. . . . Life is like hot sauce. . . it may be mild, medium, or hot. . . .but it's going to be there. It made sense to me this morning, but now that I write it here. . . it sounds kind of hokey. Oh well, maybe tomorrow I'll have a better one.
How about life is like a canoe trip? You may have never been on one so I'll explain. You pack for the journey and you have to carry everything you pack. so sometimes you decide you don't want to carry something. You paddle til you come to a barrier and then you carry everything over the portage trail. Sometimes the weather is lovely and sometimes bad weather hits suddenly. Often you need to keep paddling amidst the storm because you're in the middle of a lake, maybe a very large lake. So something that is meant to be a fun trip can quickly turn into an endurance test. But the sunsets are stunning and the silence is awesome and you may see a moose or loons or any number of creatures as you walk or paddle. I don't know if this works for you or not.
ReplyDeleteYou do an amazing job of describing your grief, of labeling the feelings. Keep up the good work, dear Noreen.