SHINE

When the kids put together the slide show for Sara's memorial service last May, they used the song "Shine" by the David Crowder Band.  I know this has no foundation in truth, but whenever I hear that song play on the radio, I feel like it is God allowing Sara to say, "Hi mom!  I love you, and I'm doing great!".   I've heard it twice this week.  I get in my car to go somewhere, turn on the radio, and the timing is perfect. . . the song just starts.  I heard it today when I got in my car after church.  Just saying. . . . . .

Graduation

I have to acknowledge that a year ago today was what Sara called "the best weekend of her life".  (truth be told, I think she had several of those)  President's Day weekend of 2011 was the last time that our immediate family spent all together, celebrating Sara's college graduation from Corban University.  Some dear friends, the Guillens, lent us their beautiful home for the weekend, and several people generously gave gifts so that all of our kids and their spouses could fly in to Reno.  It was truly a precious, precious time.  Mike Bates and Reno Hoff flew in from Corban University on Saturday to hold a special graduation ceremony just for Sara. I don't even have words to express how amazed we were that the college would do that, and how much the whole weekend meant to all of us. 

Sara and I spent many hilarious hours the month before, preparing a special Swenson trivia game.  This was also a highlight of our weekend.  Sam, Heidi, and Kari were all instructed to spend time preparing Kimberly, Brady, and Brett to answer questions in the Swenson categories of; Life at Home, Family Vacations, Four P.K.'s, School Days, and "I know, right?".  On Sunday afternoon everyone assembled in the living room so that Sara could host the show.  There was even a cash prize at stake. . . with the stipulation that the winning couple had to buy dinner for the whole family.  Sara had the final say as to which answers were correct.  After much laughter, and some minor arguments, Heidi and Brady claimed the prize. . . and dinner was delicious. 

I do love that the last time we were all together was so incredibly wonderful. . . more precious memories.
Joy and laughter. . . . sorrow and tears. . . . all wrapped up together.

Raining on the Inside

I give up trying to figure out what it is that causes such a wide range of emotional ebb and flow.  Heidi and I were talking about how difficult it is to find and live in that balance. . . .that middle ground between putting the hurt out of your mind and getting busy with life, or thinking about how much we will always miss Sara and wanting to be immersed in memories.  We can keep telling ourselves "this is normal", "it is what it is", "we'll see her again", "others have gone through this", "focus on Jesus and eternity". . . . . that is truth, and we do go on.  God is good, and His blessings are abundant.  But the hurt still swells up so much that it chokes, often at unexpected times.  This week I have felt like that old Amy Grant song from the 70's.  I don't remember the whole song. . . . just the line. . . "I'm raining on the inside". 

A lovely thing happened this week.  I got a message from a couple of Sara's dear friends in Oregon.  They have started a project of making headbands to send to cancer patients in the hospital.  They are calling it the "Forever Sunshine Collection", and are including a letter with a picture of Sara and her verse (Phil 4:13) in each box.  They told me they are starting by sending a box of headbands to the hospital in San Francisco where Sara received her treatment.  Sara would love it!

Sara kept several journals over the years.  I wish I could find more of them, but she must have gotten rid of them (I'm sure she knew we would read them if she didn't!).  Of the two prayer journals that we found when she left us for glory, the earliest entry was today's date. . . .  February 11, 2011.  She wrote. . . .

"Last night was not such a great night.  But today is a new morning, and Your mercies are new every morning. I'm putting all my trust in You, Lord, because I've got nothing.  I need Your strength.  I'm not sure what to do or what to say.  There's so much going on in my mind right now, but I don't even know how to voice it.  In all of this, I do want to be a shining light for You, and be an example to someone, somewhere.  I know that in order to do that I have to be in Your Word, and listening to what You have to say to me.  Lord, please help me not to worry too much about what everyone else is doing and what I'm missing out on, but to concentrate on what You have me going through right now.  I'm trusting You Lord.  I love You.  Help me to constantly be showing that, and help me to be always listening to You.  Always.  Amen"

February

Hard to believe it is February already!  It's kind of funny that it feels like you ramp up through November and December, feeling like "if you can just get everything done". . . . .then you get to the end of December, the end of the year. . . .and then it's January, and you realize you have to start all over again!  I guess a more positive and optimistic approach would be to say . . . you GET to do it all over again.  I'm a "like to plan ahead", "lay out a plan" kind of person.  (just like my dad, who always had 5-year, 10-year, and even a 15-year plan!)  I kind of like blaming the way I am on my dad.  I remember him showing me his plans when I was a little girl.  The thing I remember most was that I was supposed to be a nurse.  I must have really thrown him for a loop when I told him I wanted to major in music and "live on love".  I told him that he had encouraged it by making me stick to my piano lessons!   Anyway, January can be quite exhausting as you try to get all your little ducks in a row for the year ahead.  When will I learn??!!   I'm trying to give all my ducks a very wide path this year.  (then telling them to keep their eyes on Jesus!)   :)

This is where I come when I need to talk about Sara.  There is a great need to keep embracing the past, even with all its pain and difficulty, at the same time as we try to take steps into a future that just seems so strange.  I still feel a bit like I am on the outside looking in, or in a dream waiting to wake up and have things seem normal again.  I should also know by now that "normal" should probably be kicked out the window.
Rabbit trail coming. . . . .I would so love to be on the committee that reviews the dictionary and decides what new words should be added and what words are no longer relevant.  Take "normal" for example. . . dictionary definition;  Conforming, adhering to, or constituting a usual or typical pattern, level, or type.  Hmmmmm!  Rabbit trail continuing. . . . while we are talking committees. . . I would also like to be on the committees that make decisions about daylight savings time, holidays, what music is popular, and what foods are healthy for you, just to name a few.  I would also like Heidi to be on those committees with me.  Woody, Sam, and Kari. . . . we would seek your opinions of course. 

Anyway, as I look ahead to February, my thoughts are filled with the memories of last Valentines Day, and of our family get-together in Reno for Sara's college graduation.  It was at this time last year that Sara decided she was going to stop the chemo.  It was making her so very, very sick, and the doctors suggested that she consider quality of life. It was hard. She struggled with not wanting to give up, but yet wanting to accept whatever God had for her.  We struggled with the myriad of other suggestions given to us, wondering how much we should push Sara to try something different. . . . for the same reasons.  Some of those struggles will always pull at my heart.  But greater than that, and in spite of the struggles. . . life was definitely high quality last February, March, and April, and those months were a blessing to our whole family.  I will treasure those memories forever. 

Shipoopi

Well, I have officially said yes, and ordered my dancing shoes . . . so I am committed to attempting to dance the "Shipoopi"!   A couple of weeks ago, some high school girls and their mom came to see me at school saying they needed to ask me something.  I figured they wanted me to play the piano for them to sing at some function, and was ready to say "Sure, how can I help?".   Instead, they asked if I would participate in the annual Fallon Swing Dance Team's fundraiser. . . Dancing With the Stars.  My initial response was, "That is a really fun thought, but you must be out of your minds!".  They gave me a few days to think it over.  What really sealed the deal was when the dance teacher called to tell me that my dance would be a Broadway musical number from "The Music Man", the "Shipoopi".  That is one of my all-time favorite musicals, the first one that I played the piano for (when I was in high school), and the last one that Sara and I did together here in Fallon while she was in high school.  I was told that they were looking for someone "age appropriate" for the part. . . they didn't want to get some "cute, young thing".  As I pondered that comment later in the evening, I told myself, "This is a good thing.  I think perhaps I can handle the dance expectations of the role of Ethel Tofflemeyer (for those of you that know the show), the pianola girl, who was definitely more comfortable on the piano bench than the dance floor.  :)   So, at the urging of  my family (the girls said, "Mom, you HAVE to do this!"), I said yes, and I have to admit that I am looking forward to learning the dance.  I am also praying that perhaps Jesus will come the night before the performance, so that I can have the fun of practicing, without the pressure and fear that I will turn out to be a total "dance blob" when I have to dance with people watching.  I feel like Sara would love that I am pushing myself to do this, so in a way, this is for her.  The picture below is Sara and her partner Steven, dancing the "Shipoopi" in the Fall of 2005.  (as Zaneetta, not Ethel Tofflemeyer)   :)

A Soft Heart

I don't know about you, but it is a constant struggle for me to make time to truly stop and let God speak to my heart. . . or maybe I should say, for me to stop and LISTEN to God speaking to my heart.  In the mornings I am distracted by a mindful of things that I need to get done, and in the evenings I can't seem to keep my eyes open (and my brain turned on!).  Sunday mornings in church I am a captive audience.  :)

I have been thinking lately, asking myself questions about how much heartache a heart can hold.  My heart aches in missing Sara, I ache for friends and loved ones who are going through difficult times, I ache for my precious kids at school. . . . . and the list goes on.  Often my answer (to myself) is to try to stop "feeling". . . put up barriers and defenses, keep on plowing forward, and just don't let anyone get too close.  Listening to Woody's message this morning I realized that doing that usually just hardens my heart. . . . toward others, and often toward what God is trying to do in my life.  This week I even found myself wondering. . . . How does God hold the heartache of the world?  We have a hard time "bearing one another's burdens" because we are often weighed down with our own.  We are told to "cast ALL our cares upon Him, for He cares for us".  HOW DOES HE DO THAT?  What an awesome thought that God is big enough to handle EVERYONE'S cares being cast upon him.  I can't really even wrap my brain around that one.  And. . . that is my problem.  I need to quit trying to wrap my brain around it, and just trust Him to hold my heart. 

Lord, thank you for bearing the heartache of the world.  Thank you for the HOPE we have in trusting You.
Please keep my heart soft in loving You and pouring out Your love to others. 

Favorite things

I feel a need to make a list tonight. . . . randomly . . . . . some of Sara's favorite things. . . .

the color red, fluffy pillows, warm blankets, stars, oreos & milk, headbands, manicures & pedicures, red nail polish, White Christmas, ice cream sandwiches, old Shirley Temple movies, Starbucks in a red Christmas cup, soft pretzels from the Fallon movie theater, cherry coke, The Sandlot, books, letters on lined paper, coloring books & crayons, rings, her red phone, fuzzy slippers, shopping, skittles, starbursts, big sunglasses, mascara, bubble gum, gerber daisies, scotchmallows from Sees, bowling, sweatshirts, the summer after her senior year in high school, little kids, her car - Sally, holidays, mashed potatoes, playing games, lotion on her feet, laughing, singing, dancing, gymnastics, water ballet, journals, Cake Boss, all musicals. . .

. . . .  just to name a few. . . .