Heaven

I have been thinking that weekends are the hardest. The busyness of the work week seems to keep my mind more than occupied.  But... . sometimes that intense busyness, combined with my slightly fragile (perhaps an understatement) emotional state, can push me over the edge.  Today I was teetering on the brink.  Thank goodness it is Friday!  Tonight I am very thankful for Woody, and for cheeseburgers and fries.  Woody also brought home a picture that he had found taped to an inconspicuous place on the desk in his office.  Since I recently learned to post pictures on my blog, I felt like this was a picture that needed to be shared.  On the back of this picture Sara had written her name and the word "Heaven".  I don't know if she intended the angel to be herself, but obviously that's what we see when we look at it now.  I love all the windows.  There is no date on the paper, but I'm guessing she was 7 or 8.   It is sometimes just hard to get through each day, and I try to keep speaking truth to myself, praying that God sets it in my heart.  Tonight this picture helped. 

Seasons

Lately I keep waiting to write, thinking that maybe I'll write about something other than Sara.  Truth be told, when I'm not busy with work, church, or other responsibilities, she is what is on my mind.  Last night I couldn't sleep, so I pulled everything out of my cedar chest to find the big manilla envelope full of letters, cards, and notes that all my kids have written to me over the years. There are some from elementary school, clear up through college days and beyond.  Some are quite funny, others are heart-warming, all made me cry.  It all seems like another lifetime ago.  Even though it has been five months since Sara's death, it still seems so hard to believe that her life here on earth is over.

Woody concluded his series of sermons on Philippians 4 today, ending with Sara's life verse, "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength".  It made me think a bit about the seasons of Sara's life.  Right now, I just divide it into two, before cancer and after cancer.  I remember one time when Sam was in college and Sara was still in high school, that Sam said, "Mom, Sara just isn't going to make it. She's too happy and easy-going.  She just doesn't know what real life is like!"  Sara ALWAYS was cheerful and easy-going.  She was able to maintain that even through her battle with cancer.  When the going got tough, she  displayed a strength that we never realized she had.  She reminded herself (and us) constantly that her strength was only in trusting her Lord.  

I have two willow creek angels on my bookshelf that make me think of Sara's two seasons of life.  The "before cancer" angel is fair and blond and holding a lapful of pale pink flowers in her dress.  The "after-cancer" angel has brown curly hair and holds a lapful of bright yellow sunflowers.  They are both beautiful, but it struck me yesterday that the "after-cancer" angel is somehow more distinct and vibrant in color.  I like that word, "vibrant".  Sara was always beautiful, but I believe that after her cancer diagnosis she became even more beautiful - yes, vibrant (pulsing with energy) - that was the strength of Christ in her!

Time

Had a wonderful visit this weekend with Heidi, Kari,and littleWyatt. What joy to go in to the airport to pick them up, and have Wyatt see me and run to give me a hug!  I think his favorite word this weekend was "bomp-pa" (grandpa)!  We are greatly looking forward to Thanksgiving in Oregon, with EVERYONE. 

Time together is always a blessing.  We didn't do anything special, but it didn't matter, it was just so nice to have them close.  We still struggle to figure out how to address the loss of Sara in our lives.  She is still the subject that we all have on our hearts, but don't want to mention because we don't want to open each other's hurts.  We understand that it takes time, but the fact that time is moving on hurts too.  So we talk of it and of her a little at a time.

October

I love October.  I love when the weather starts to turn cool.  I love the Fall colors of orange, red, yellow, and brown.  And. . . it is Woody's birthday. . . what more can I say.  :)   The last few weeks have been rugged, or ragged, or maybe both.  I don't know exactly what makes one day harder than the day before, or why the next day isn't as hard as yesterday.  A friend reminded me today that we just need to keep being thankful. 

A year ago this weekend I flew to Salem to spend the weekend with Kari & Brett (and of course Wyatt), and Sara.  Then Sara and I flew to San Francisco on Sunday night, and Woody met us there.  On Monday morning Sara had her first set of follow up scans since going back to college and her "new normal" life.  We were just enjoying the time together, pretty confident that all would be fine.  I still remember the intense heaviness that settled over us when we learned that Sara had a new spot in her lung.  The oncologist said. . . . another surgery, maybe more chemo. . . . and all Sara wanted was to get it over with and go back to school.  On one hand, I hate it that she only had that two months before the cancer returned. But on the other hand, we are also so thankful for those two months.  I look back at pictures from that time and the joy just shines right out of her.  So, I am thankful.