Tonight

One year ago tonight Sara was spending her last moments here on this earth.   Even though the date was May 2nd, it was a Monday night, and so the memories are flooding back tonight.  As hard as it is to have her gone, I remember how difficult it was to watch Sara struggling for breath that last evening, and I am grateful that God did not prolong her suffering.  In those final moments, as she took her last breath, she opened her eyes and tracked something across the ceiling over our heads.  I wish we were able to talk with her. . . . I would love so much to ask her what she saw. . . .who was there.  I wonder if it was an angel. . .  or if it was Jesus Himself that was there to give her a hug and take her to heaven.  We love her and we miss her. . . . but we wouldn't wish her back here to continue to suffer this world's pain and heartache.  We wish her joy and laughter, singing and dancing, and perfect love in the presence of God.

I Can Only Imagine

I heard this song on the radio this morning on my way to work. . . and it is exactly where my heart is these days.  I can only imagine what Sara is doing right now.

I can only imagine what it will be like when I walk by Your side.
I can only imagine what my eyes will see when Your face is before me, I can only imagine.

Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel?
Will I dance for You, Jesus, or in awe of You be still?
Will I stand in Your presence, or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing hallelujah?  Will I be able to speak at all?
I can only imagine.  I can only imagine.

I can only imagine, when that day comes and I find myself standing in the Son.
I can only imagine, when all I  will do is forever, forever worship You, I can only imagine.

Blessings of Today

. . . the wide open spaces of Nevada. . .

. . . lively and meaningful conversation during a 7 hour drive home with a van full of high school choir students. . .

. . . coming home. . .

. . . precious memories of choir trips with Sara. . .

. . . a package received in the mail today from Sara's 2nd grade teacher, containing a sweet note Sara wrote to her when her father passed away in January of 1996. . .

BLESSINGS!

April 14, 2011

There is this strong desire for continuing connections to Sara.  Reading her journal entries these last few months, on the same date that she wrote them a year ago, and remembering those times. . . has been precious.  April 14, 2011 is the last journal entry we have from her.  She noted John 3 as the scripture passage she had read, and then writes. . . .

  "Lord, it has been way too long since I've taken the time to sit down and do my devotions.  I know I could rattle off plenty of excuses about not feeling well, of being in alot of pain and on pain meds and therefore being really tired and barely able to keep my eyes open, but I don't want to use those as excuses Lord.  This is when I need You the most.  I need Your guidance and Your strength.  I need Your wisdom and peace of mind.  The pain was getting so bad, and I was worried that things were just getting worse and worse, and there was nothing we could do about it.  The new regimen of pain meds we started yesterday seems to be making a difference already and I'm so thankful for that Lord!  Thank You, thank You, thank You, Lord!  As You know, I've also started this steroid again, which has the side effect of making me a little chunky, a little round, and things like that.  Now I don't want to be shallow or vain or super skinny for that matter.  I just want to eat right, be healthy, and be comfortable in my own clothes.  Please help me not to get frustrated when things don't fit, but please help me to find things that do fit, that I'm comfortable in.
 Thank You for such a wonderful night's sleep last night Lord, and thank You for such a wonderful, beautiful day.  Help me to get alot done today and keep feeling good.  Thank You for my family, and that in the course of the next two weeks I get to see them all.  I'm so thankful.  Sometimes it makes me sad because I don't know how much longer I have and if this visit with them will be my last.  But help me not to think about that Lord.  Help me to just enjoy the time I do have and give You praise for each and every new day that You give me.  I love You Lord!  Help my light shine constantly.  Amen."

Forever Sunshine Collection

I think I mentioned before that two of Sara's friends from Oregon have started a ministry of making headbands to send to cancer patients in various hospitals.  Amy and Andrea have blessed my heart so immensely with this project.  It just so happened that a week ago last Friday, the day I danced in memory of Sara, was the day that a box of these headbands arrived from the girls.  They are beautifully made, and in a variety of gorgeous colors.  I think as much as I love the headbands, I love the specially made tags even more!  If you can tell in the picture. . . one side says "Forever Sunshine Collection", and the other has Sara's verse, Philippians 4:13.  The headbands are for sale, with every purchase helping to send another headband to a cancer patient.  A box has already been sent to UCSF Children's Hospital where Sara received her treatment.  Check out Amy's blog to read more about it.  (foreversunshinecollection.blogspot.com)
Hugs to you Amy and Andrea! 

He is not here, for He is risen!

One of my favorite Easter memories is of Sam, when he was about 3 years old.  It was one evening, probably a few days after Easter, and we were out on our tiny little back patio on Cedar Avenue in Lancaster, California.  We were looking at the stars, and I was telling Sam that God made them.  He wanted to know where God was, and I told him that God was right "here" with us. Sam looked right at me and said very emphatically, "No Mommy.  He is NOT here, for He is RISEN!"  A lesson on the importance of teaching scripture verses in context! 

What a blessing to celebrate the resurrection of our Lord and Savior, Jesus!  It is most definitely a celebration of the gift of life in Christ.  A gift that gives us hope.  Amazing that He would die for us. . . . . astounding that He rose again to offer eternal life to all who believe.  Thank you Jesus!

Easter was late last year, we celebrated the end of April.  We didn't know it then, but we only had one week left with Sara.  We had just gotten back from spending spring break in Oregon, packing up Sara's things.  Heidi spent the week there with us.  Sara slept in a borrowed recliner in Brett & Kari's living room. Heidi slept on the living room floor that week, getting up with Sara throughout the night to take care of her pain meds. Kari and Wyatt drove home to Nevada with us, and then Sam and Kimberly came the day before Easter to spend the weekend.  I think some of Sara's friends even came over on Saturday night to visit and play games.  We all knew what was probably coming, and yet we didn't really believe it.  Although none of us will ever feel like it was enough, God did bless all of us with good time with Sara.  I am grateful. 

Tug-of-war

It seems pretty impossible to find a way to express the constant tug-of-war that takes place with my emotions.  Memories of Sara are so precious, and bring so much joy.  I'm SO glad that Dancing with the Stars is done.  I spent most of last week wondering what on earth ever caused me to believe that I would be able to do that!  But during the time I danced I did feel like I could FEEL Sara's joy.  The  best part of the whole weekend was having my family there, and I felt like it was a good thing for us together.  If I embarrassed the kids too badly, at least they hid it very well! 

I look at each one of our kids, and I am so very thankful.  It is hard to figure out how I can be so thankful, and yet also feel so very sad.  Almost everything we do brings reminders of Sara.  I LOVE those reminders,  yet they make my heart ache.  During our trip to Oregon this week, I kept thinking of all the times we made that trip with Sara. . . . the times we were going up to visit Sam or Kari . . . the times we were taking or picking Sara up from college. . . and the time a year ago, when we made the trip to sort through and pack up all of her stuff to bring home.  Most of her things she gave away.  She never even unpacked the few boxes she kept after we got home, and I think she knew as she hugged  her Oregon friends that it would probably be her last good-bye. 

I kind of dread this coming month, and I dread the one-year anniversary of Sara's death. It somehow seems that the date should mark something. . . . but it is just that a year has gone by without Sara.  She has been in heaven for almost a year.  That just seems so strange.  Even as we accept what's happened,  I wonder if we'll ever get to the place that we stop waiting for her to come back.  And at the same time. . . .we go on, we keep busy, we move forward.   Truth is this. . . . God's mercies are new every morning.