Proof of HIS love . . .

96.  Days full of kids + music + fairy tales = a great summer musical!
97.  An afternoon nap
98.  So You Think You Can Dance (I do miss watching it with Sara)
99.  Chicken with green beans, mushrooms & cashews
100.  Songs on the radio that stick in your head

I heard a great song on the radio last week that keeps running through my head.  I feel a little like God is using that to challenge my heart at this time in my life.  One of the things I've struggled with this past year (plus) is the tendency to put up barriers and avoid people or things that require any depth of caring or emotion.  I just don't feel like I have the strength for it.  I'm not proud to admit it. . . but sometimes I find myself thinking. . . I just don't care.  When I heard this song, I was convicted.  I DO want my life to be proof of God's love.  I DO want my life to reflect HIS love. . .no matter what.  God's love embodies so many things. . . . grace, mercy, compassion, joy, caring, committment, sacrifice, selflessness, forgiveness. . . . . and so much more.  I pray He continues to work on me to make these things true in my life. . . or rather, I should say, I pray He helps me surrender to His work in me.

Proof of Your Love - For King and Country
If I sing but don't have love,
I waste my breath with every song,
I bring an empty voice, a hollow noise.
If I speak with a silver tongue,
Convince a crowd but don't have love,
I leave a bitter taste with every word I say.

So let my life be the proof, the proof of Your love.
Let my love look like You, and what You're made of,
How You lived, how You died, love is sacrifice.
So let my life be the proof, the proof of Your love.

Happy Birthday Sara

86.  Scrabble on my Kindle. . . my new favorite thing
87.  Gerber daisies
88.  Polka dots. . . that remind you of Baskin Robbins
89.  Cooking without a recipe
90.  Dreams of loved ones ( I finally dreamed about Sara!)
91.  The love of Sara's friends
92.  The fact that we don't ever know exactly what the future holds
93.  The realization that #92 is a huge blessing and gift from God. . . in HIS hands
94.  Birthdays & birthday memories
95.  Cinnamon & sugar tortilla ice cream bowls. . . .YES!

Today is Sara's birthday, a happy/sad day.  It's a sad day because we miss her. . . but it's a blessing to remember and celebrate the 22 years that we had with her.  I woke up sad. . . .but there are just so many good things to remember. . . . so today I will focus on those.  Sara was very good at CHOOSING to be happy. . . . choosing to be thankful. . . choosing to focus on where God had her in the moment.  Happy Birthday Sara.

??????

Sometimes there is an overwhelming desire for what I know I can't have.  Daily choices to get up, go on, and be thankful.  It seems no matter how hard I try, I always circle back around to feeling like life just isn't right.  I know I have much to be thankful for. . . I know Sara is better off. . . I know others have struggles that are even more difficult. . . I know God is good . . .I know life is hard . . I know it could very likely get harder.  It is hard to believe that Sara has been for gone over a year.  I sometimes even wish for the times we were traveling to San Francisco for chemo. . . how selfish is that!!  She would turn 24 next Tuesday.  I still can't even bring myself to have her phone cancelled.  So silly. 

Staying busy seems to be the easiest.  Socializing is not high on my list. . . although we have had great times with friends lately.  Cleaning, yardwork, creative projects, reading, music. . . all good.

81.  God's patience with my obstinance
82.  Road trips
83.  Sleeping in the car - while Woody's driving (what a great guy!)
84.  Farmer's markets
85.  The connection of smells with memories. . .good ones