Merry Christmas

Kids are leaving today . . . .so thankful for precious time and precious memories! 
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all!

263.  Time together - breaking in the new fire pit with s'mores

264.  Warmth and laughter - with memories of Sara's warmth and laughter

265.  And more SNOW!

Everyday I have this conversation with myself. . . . . Everyone loses loved ones.  People live, people die.  People have diseases, physical, emotional, and mental ailments. . . some recover, some don't.  People lose loved ones to natural disasters, to accidents, to war, and to violent crime.  People have joy and happy moments, people have suffering, sorrow and heartache.  We all have it in differing degrees and circumstances. . . but we all experience it all.  It is a part of life here on this earth.

It reminds me of Ecclesiastes 3:1-11
There is an apointed time for everything. 
And there is a time for every event under heaven.
A time to give birth, and a time to die.
A time to plant, and a time to uproot what is planted.
A time to kill, and a time to heal.
A time to tear down, and a time to build up.
A time to weep, and a time to laugh.
A time to mourn, and a time to dance.
A time to throw stones, and a time to gather stones.
A time to embrace, and a time to shun embracing.
A time to search, and a time to give up as lost.
A time to keep, and a time to throw away.
A time to tear apart, and a time to sew together.
A time to be silent, and a time to speak.
A time to love, and a time to hate.
A time for war, and a time for peace.
HE has made everything appropriate in its time. 
HE has also set ETERNITY in their heart. . . . . .

Eternity is set in our hearts.  That is our hope in Jesus.  I pray for grace and strength to share the love of Jesus in my actions and words every day.  And when I am just empty, I pray for the discipline to keep my eyes upward instead of inward.  I pray that I won't offend or be offended, that I can forgive and be forgiven, that I can let go of things that I can't change, or that don't matter, and trust in the love and sovereignty of my Savior.  I pray that I will treasure every moment and every gift HE gives me, like Sara did.

Hope Now

I feel like I am still constantly looking for signs, or some little something. . . anything that might be a hint of a memory of Sara's presence.  This morning when I got in the car to go to work, the song that came on the radio (which I had left on LOUDLY last night) was "Hope Now".  I think I've said before that sometimes when a special song starts right at the beginning when I turn the radio on. . . .it feels like it is Sara saying . . . "Hey Mom, I'm good!"

In May of 2009, when Sara was getting ready to come home to help with the children's musical for a couple of months. . . . and have the doctor take a look at her "bum knee". . . .there were two songs she had told me she kind of wanted to sing at church.  One was "If You Want Me To" by Ginny Owen.  The other was "Hope Now" by Addison Road.  Although we practiced on both of them at home, she never sang either one that summer. 

Hope and faith seem to be two of the things I struggle with lately.  Not just because of missing Sara. . . . but also in light of all the heartache that so easily overwhelms so many, everywhere, everyday.  I am thankful that God does not falter, even when I am so weak. 

Everything rides on hope now, everything rides on faith somehow.
When the world has broken me down, Your love sets me free.

When my life is like a storm, rising waters, all I want is the shore.
You say I'll be okay and make it through the rain.   You are my shelter from the storm.

Sara would say. . . "Get excited. . . ."

262.  SNOW!

pondering

Reading in Luke 1 and 2. . . . working on Christmas music and Christmas services. . . . love the verse in Luke 2. . . "And Mary treasured all these things, pondering them in her heart".   Can't you just imagine the things that Mary pondered? 
261.  That God alone knows the ponderings of our hearts - and loves us still

Time in a Bottle

Remember the Jim Croce song, "Time in a Bottle"?  That has been going through my head. . . . only I changed the words just a little. . . . If I could save time in a bottle, here's what I wish I could do, I'd save every day like a treasure, and then, again, I would spend them with you. . .

So much of the time I just want to take out the memories and wrap myself in them, like I wrap up in Sara's blanket of t-shirts that Heidi made for me.  I want to make sure I save them.  It is painful, but oh so sweet!  It is living in the . . . "wishing for what WAS, while being thankful for what IS, and looking forward for the hope that IS TO COME".  I wish I could do that with more grace. 

I was looking back at my caringbridge journal. . . and reading things from November/December/January 2010/2011 . . . when we knew that Sara was not going to make it. . . .but we were still holding on to hope for a miracle.  I wrote. . . "somewhere in between total denial and total panic is a place where we can walk this road with God's grace".  I often still feel that same way.  And yet. . . there is no denying that God is giving us grace and strength to continue . . . the same grace and strength He provides for all, in the struggle of this life here on earth.

As for "time in a bottle". . . . as I think about it. . . . I guess that would be memories.  I know that every phone conversation and every visit with our kids is more precious to me now than ever.  December is filled with warm, crazy, and funny memories. . . .as well as difficult ones.  I'll keep saving them, and filling another bottle with more!

246.  Pictures. . . and memories. . . "time in a bottle"
247.  Christmases when the kids were little and I dressed the girls alike - Sam lucked out!
248.  Making gingerbread houses with the kids every year - until the year when the house wouldn't stay together - we threw the house in the trash and started making gingerbread man cookies
249.  The year that Sara was so excited to finally be old enough to sing in the Christmas program - she always knew all the songs and motions anyway!
250.  The year that Sam decided he actually did like to sing
251.  Playing LOUD Christmas music and having the kids dance, sing, or lip-sync with all the songs
252.  Watching "White Christmas" - and the girls always jumping up to sing along with "Sisters"
253.  The year we played "Dance Revolution" and I messed up my knee
254.  The year that Sara dressed herself in every single Christmas gift she received. . . all at once. . . and danced around the living room
255.  Picking our kids up from the airport to come home for Christmas - or seeing them pull up in the driveway
256.  Late night conversations and laughter
257.  Kringla
258.  Coffee in red Starbucks Christmas cups
259.  Scotchmallows
260.  The fact that we were all home for Christmas together in 2010 - precious time