Favorites

So I left work early today. . . .just needing to be by myself. . . .one of those times when you need something, but you don't know exactly what you need. . . .or what you think you need you can't have. 
I went to the cemetery wanting to sit by Sara's grave, and wouldn't you know, the groundskeeper's cart was parked right there.  He was SLOWLY raking, putting down extra dirt . . . .and whatever else it is that they do.  So I parked a ways away and waited for him to be done.  My plan was to relax, think, pray, remember. . . .but of course all I did was worry about how long he was going to take.  I finally did get some time there, but by then the sprinklers were coming on so. . . oh well. . . she's not THERE anyway. 

Driving away, I tried to think of what I should do next. . . but being that I needed to use the restroom. . . I knew I would have to do it fairly quickly.   I finally decided I would stop at the quick market and get pepsi freezes to take home for Woody and I.  That is something that Sara and I often did, or that I picked up for her when she was feeling yucky.  So I stopped, gathered my change and went inside. . . . only to find that the machine was defrosting. . . so no pepsi freezes.  At that point I knew I just had to go home.
Yes, my first tendency was to want to cry, or be very annoyed.  But then I imagined Sara sitting in the front seat next to me (because this sort of thing happened with us many a time).  I would vent, she would laugh, and I would feel better.  So I made myself laugh.  It was a true "Sara" memory. 

It's not about not understanding, or being angry because it isn't fair.  Nothing's fair and everyone has lost people they love.  Like others in similar situations, it's just about missing her so very much.  I feel like I can't get enough of the memories, or I'm afraid I won't remember them all, or that they will fade away if I don't hang on.  When I remember the pain Sara endured, I'm so, so thankful that she is beyond all that and rejoicing in heaven.  I would never wish her back for her.  I just have to deal with the wishing her back for us.

We've had many loving, encouraging notes this week, and beautiful flowers. . . .sweet thoughts from thoughtful friends.  I love that Sara is remembered.  I want to remember everything about her.  I need to remember her favorite things, and since I am a list maker, I figure this is a good time and place. 

Sara's favorites - a RANDOM listing
All her siblings (and their spouses)
The family together
Disney princesses - especially Cinderella
Red nail polish
Pedicures
Silver jewelery - especially rings
Mascara
Bubble gum
Scotchmallows
The summer after her senior year in high school
Oreos and milk
Otis Spunkmeier chocolate muffins and milk
Naming her cars - Sally and Dolly
Being aunt Sara
Stars and polka dots
The color red
Rain boots
Flip flops
Silly songs
Camp
Singing and dancing - at the same time
Reading and journaling
Gymnastics
Fluffy pillows
Soft blankets
Being in, choreographing, or helping with musicals - in any capacity
Wicked
Harry Potter
Friends - in real life and the TV show
White Christmas - and the song "Sisters"
Big sun glasses
Big lip smacker lip gloss
Target
Playing games
Quelf
Bowling
Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy
Gerber daisies
Her roommates - every single one she ever had
Her red phone - talking to and texting her friends
Worship songs - especially The Revelation Song
Bright colored socks
Lotion on her feet
Dairy Queen blizzards
Soft pretzels from the movie theater
Cherry Coke
White chocolate mochas from Starbucks
Starbucks red Christmas cups
CHRISTMAS
Red, white, and blue
Letters on lined paper
Salad with ranch dressing
Mac & cheese
Mashed potatoes
BBQs
Going to Grandma's
Painting
Making gifts
New York
So You Think You Can Dance
Cooking shows
Enchanted
The Sandlot
Little kids
Playing crazy rum
Pie with no filling - just the crust
Steamed broccoli
Bacon cheeseburgers
Starbursts and skittles (the kind in the blue bag)
Quesadillas
Laughter with friends and family

Gotta stop.  That's a start for now.  So thankful for memories.