Dreams and Thoughts

I'm dreaming again.  I am a person who has always had very vivid and outlandish dreams (that I could usually remember with much clarity).  Then I went through I time when I stopped dreaming (probably has something to do with the fact that it has also been quite awhile since I have had a good nights sleep).  Sleep still eludes me, but I usually fall asleep and stay that way sometime between 2:00 and 3:00am.  Now that school has started, I'm back to getting up between 5:00 and 5:30am, and this week I have had some crazy dreams that stay with me when my alarm goes off.

The first day of school I woke up from a dream where I had decided to go see my friend Leslie in California for one last visit before school started.  I had spent the night, confident that I could get up, get ready, and make it to school by 7:00am.  In my dream, my alarm went off at 5:00am and I realized that there was no way I could drive from Southern California to get here to Fallon by 7:00.  To make matters worse, I couldn't find her bathroom to take a shower, couldn't find my clothes. . . . and I finally woke up, relieved that I really only had a 10 minute drive to school!

Some of my other dreams this week have included Woody and I moving into an old "antique style" house, complete with many interesting nooks and crannies (that I have never seen in reality but somehow recognized from previous dreams).  Weird!  I also dreamt that I was diagnosed with Siberian cancer of the mouth (have no idea where that came from, but it was so real that I was ready to look it up on the internet the next morning to see if there was such a thing).  I even dreamt that I had a baby.  It was supposed to be a boy, but actually turned out to be a girl.  She came out talking and looking exactly like one of my adorable 2nd graders at school, with long brown hair and freckles.  The best dream was that Sara was actually with me all the time, but no one could see her except me.  Selfish I know, but it was wonderful!  How I wish that could be true.  I would absolutely be willing to share her if we could have her back!  I'm thankful for the dream anyway. . . . hope I have it again. 

I went to get my hair cut on Thursday after school and picked up a magazine while I was waiting.  The first thing I opened to was an advertisement for the City of Hope cancer center.  The ad said something like. . . "Two of my friends were knocked down by cancer.  The doctor told them they should just enjoy the time they had left.  Instead of giving up, they contacted the City of Hope Cancer Center, and now. . . they are both cancer free!"  I can't even tell you what that did to my heart.  I am happy for those people, but it takes my mind right back down the path of. . . . maybe we didn't do the right thing for Sara.  Maybe we should have left UCSF and sought another opinion or another course of treatment.  Maybe we should have made Sara stay on an intensive regimen of chemo even when the doctors said it wouldn't cure her but would only make her last days more miserable.  Maybe we should have pursued some of the obscure clinics or treatment plans that were constantly swirling around us.  Maybe we just didn't pray hard enough. . . . .maybe, maybe.    I know all these thoughts are futile and unproductive (and not God-honoring).  I know that we have to trust that God took Sara EXACTLY when and how He planned.  But it is still hard.  It will always be hard.  Trusting God and surrendering to Him is a DAILY, no HOURLY discipline.  We know we need to do it, but we need HIS strength to keep at it and to let HIM accomplish it in us. 

Philippians 4:8  ". . .whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, let your mind dwell on these things."    Still counting 1000 (plus) gifts. . .

370.  Sleeping long enough to dream
371.  Good memories
372.  Children
373.  Grandchildren
374.  Busy days at school
375.  Recess outside
376.  Constant and complete forgiveness
377.  Air conditioning
378.  Early morning sunshine
379.  Three day weekends
380.  Anticipation of Fall
381.  Pumpkin everything!