Dear Sara,
There are so many memories that make me smile. There are so many memories that make my heart ache with missing you so much. Maybe this time of year makes me miss you more. I miss competing with you while watching Wheel of Fortune when I come home from work. I miss thinking of what we'll have for dessert before deciding what we'll have for dinner. I miss your laugh, I miss your smile, I miss hearing your voice, I miss talking to you on the phone. I miss you on our road trips. . . every time I walk into a public restroom and see the handicap stall I think of how much we laughed while you were in your brace and couldn't bend your leg. (difficult and frustrating at the time - but at least we laughed!)
I often call you on your phone, just to hear your sweet voice say, "I can't get to my phone right now, but leave a message and I'll call you back." It helps somehow. I think of you in heaven, laughing, because of course you can't get to your phone right now! After a long day at school today, I got in the car and pushed speed dial #6, just to hear you for a moment. Apparently all of our phones have had some kind of technical overall (I remember having to redo my voicemail last weekend), and your message was gone. Just gone. I know you are probably saying. . . . "It's time mom. It's kind of ridiculous that you have been paying for my phone for almost two years, when I don't need it anymore." I know that's true, and I suppose God knew it had to happen that way or we would never have been able to cancel your phone, but oh how my heart hurts.
So, instead of a phone call, I'll write you a letter on lined paper.
Love you so much,
Mom
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
continued thankful list. . . .
297. Wyatt Reed Timmerman - 3 years old today
298. Time spent with all of our kids - missed you Brady! (and Sara)
299. Oregon rain
300. Original Pancake House in Salem now serves pumpkin pancakes year round - YES!
301. Anticipation of more grandbabies - Ellery Sara Swenson coming May 25th and Baby Boy
Timmerman coming mid-August
302. Being back to the same time zone as AZ - early morning chats with Heidi
303. Last quarter of the school year
304. An incredibly patient husband that puts up with so much from me
305. Spring snow & warm blankets
306. Forecast of a sunny weekend
307. Dreams
308. New mercies every morning
309. Counting blessings
310. Choices
298. Time spent with all of our kids - missed you Brady! (and Sara)
299. Oregon rain
300. Original Pancake House in Salem now serves pumpkin pancakes year round - YES!
301. Anticipation of more grandbabies - Ellery Sara Swenson coming May 25th and Baby Boy
Timmerman coming mid-August
302. Being back to the same time zone as AZ - early morning chats with Heidi
303. Last quarter of the school year
304. An incredibly patient husband that puts up with so much from me
305. Spring snow & warm blankets
306. Forecast of a sunny weekend
307. Dreams
308. New mercies every morning
309. Counting blessings
310. Choices
Friday, March 15, 2013
Thankful
Monday night was a gift for me. It was helpful to have a reason to write, and pour out Sara's story that is ongoing in my heart. It is a good thing I wrote it because by the time I got to Courtney's house I couldn't put two clear thoughts together in my head. It was hard to read out loud. . . . but also good for me. The girls and the moms who were there were so sweet and supportive. I hope it was somehow helpful in their lives as well. I am sure God is working in a million ways, not just in me. It is amazing how perfectly He works. For me, it was exactly what I needed at the moment. . . including where and with whom. I still wished Sara could have been there with me. . . but I could say that with a smile.
Woody is in Minnesota visiting his mom and family. So thankful for all of them. I think he might have found a place to set up shop for retirement!
I especially love the sign at the bottom!
291. Woody - my amazing husband, partner, friend
292. Looking for laughter
293. Eating ice cream right before going to bed
294. Crazy dreams that occur - perhaps as a result of #293
295. That crazy dreams are just dreams
296. New mercies every morning
Woody is in Minnesota visiting his mom and family. So thankful for all of them. I think he might have found a place to set up shop for retirement!
292. Looking for laughter
293. Eating ice cream right before going to bed
294. Crazy dreams that occur - perhaps as a result of #293
295. That crazy dreams are just dreams
296. New mercies every morning
Saturday, March 9, 2013
Saying Yes
My friend, Courtney, asked me to come and share Sara's story for her girl's Bible study next week. I think about Sara all the time, but I don't talk about her much (except here). Even with family and close friends it is still difficult. I am not one to like to talk in front of groups. I work as an elementary school counselor and most of what I do is to listen. But, I love being with kids, which is one of the things God used to gently push me to say yes to Courtney.
I didn't realize until Courtney asked me to do this how much I WANT to talk about Sara. My thoughts go in so many directions when I try to think of what I should share, that I knew I had to write it down. I started writing my thoughts several weeks ago when Courtney called, and every few days I have the need to add to it or rearrange something. I started collecting things that I wanted to bring to show the girls, because I want them to know Sara. But I know Sara would be saying, especially now, "Mom, they need to know JESUS!" I feel like I could go on and on and on because there is so much to tell. In a way her story doesn't end, because we are still here being affected by her life. And, after all, it is really the story of God working in our lives, which never ends.
I know God orchestrated this, through the timing of Courtney's call, and even the timing of my reading the book the girls have been going through. I wrote the majority of Sara's Story before I read "A Miracle for Jen", which I'm sure was God's doing because of all the ups and downs my emotions went through as I read the book. I think it is hard for all of us not to compare our life stories, but God does not work in all of us exactly the same way. For each of us, it is about our PERSONAL relationship with Jesus and what He wants to do in and through us. His character is constant, His grace, His mercy, His offer of salvation, and He loves us all the same, but we are all in different places. With Jen and Sara, their stories are very different, and yet there are so many similarities. I could hear Sara in some of Jen's journal entries, and found myself reading some of Linda Barrick's words and saying, "That's exactly how I feel!"
A couple of things stood out for me. . .
1. We all have a story, the story of what God is doing in our lives. No matter how much we plan, we can't always know or understand what each chapter will be like. Isn't it incredible that God is always present. . . lovingly guiding us, and writing all of our stories, ALL AT THE SAME TIME? He cares for all of us, working differently in each individual, all for our good and His glory. It's kind of hard to wrap your mind around, that He is present with each of us, all the time.
2. We need to have a "child-like" faith in Jesus. That phrase in Matthew where Jesus says, ". . . you must become like a child. . . ", became more clear to me. Both Linda Barrick and I see our daughters as having a stronger faith than our own. I think it is that "child-like" faith that can totally surrender and find total sufficiency in Christ. The faith that says. . . "I cannot do it myself. I trust You, Lord, to handle it all. I'll love You and praise You no matter what." Even though it is easy to say "I am trusting God", we, or I, usually turn around and struggle to take control again. For me, it has to be a constant re-focusing. I feel kind of like the little kid that stubbornly keeps saying . . ."I can do it myself!". . . even when I KNOW I can't, and I don't really even want to!
This quote from Jen's mom grabbed hold of my heart. I feel like God wants this to be a part of my story as well as hers. In fact, I think this is probably His desire for all of us. (Page 203 "A Miracle For Jen") "I remain in awe of the power of Jennifer's testimony. I came to realize that our story isn't the story of a car accident. Our story is the story of God's grace and the working out of His perfect will in our lives. It's the story of faith that allows me to trust God even when I don't understand His plan. It's the story of embracing life one day at a time, letting go of past regrets and leaving tomorrow's problems for tomorrow. It's the story of giving up the dreams I had for the reality I now have. It's the story of celebrating the overflowing blessings God has given me rather than mourning what I've lost. It's the story of resting in the Lord and finding contentment in my life today." So true, but hard to do on a daily basis. No way can I do this in my own strength! I'd appreciate prayers as I share with the girls next week. . .that what I say would be what God wants me to share.
I didn't realize until Courtney asked me to do this how much I WANT to talk about Sara. My thoughts go in so many directions when I try to think of what I should share, that I knew I had to write it down. I started writing my thoughts several weeks ago when Courtney called, and every few days I have the need to add to it or rearrange something. I started collecting things that I wanted to bring to show the girls, because I want them to know Sara. But I know Sara would be saying, especially now, "Mom, they need to know JESUS!" I feel like I could go on and on and on because there is so much to tell. In a way her story doesn't end, because we are still here being affected by her life. And, after all, it is really the story of God working in our lives, which never ends.
I know God orchestrated this, through the timing of Courtney's call, and even the timing of my reading the book the girls have been going through. I wrote the majority of Sara's Story before I read "A Miracle for Jen", which I'm sure was God's doing because of all the ups and downs my emotions went through as I read the book. I think it is hard for all of us not to compare our life stories, but God does not work in all of us exactly the same way. For each of us, it is about our PERSONAL relationship with Jesus and what He wants to do in and through us. His character is constant, His grace, His mercy, His offer of salvation, and He loves us all the same, but we are all in different places. With Jen and Sara, their stories are very different, and yet there are so many similarities. I could hear Sara in some of Jen's journal entries, and found myself reading some of Linda Barrick's words and saying, "That's exactly how I feel!"
A couple of things stood out for me. . .
1. We all have a story, the story of what God is doing in our lives. No matter how much we plan, we can't always know or understand what each chapter will be like. Isn't it incredible that God is always present. . . lovingly guiding us, and writing all of our stories, ALL AT THE SAME TIME? He cares for all of us, working differently in each individual, all for our good and His glory. It's kind of hard to wrap your mind around, that He is present with each of us, all the time.
2. We need to have a "child-like" faith in Jesus. That phrase in Matthew where Jesus says, ". . . you must become like a child. . . ", became more clear to me. Both Linda Barrick and I see our daughters as having a stronger faith than our own. I think it is that "child-like" faith that can totally surrender and find total sufficiency in Christ. The faith that says. . . "I cannot do it myself. I trust You, Lord, to handle it all. I'll love You and praise You no matter what." Even though it is easy to say "I am trusting God", we, or I, usually turn around and struggle to take control again. For me, it has to be a constant re-focusing. I feel kind of like the little kid that stubbornly keeps saying . . ."I can do it myself!". . . even when I KNOW I can't, and I don't really even want to!
This quote from Jen's mom grabbed hold of my heart. I feel like God wants this to be a part of my story as well as hers. In fact, I think this is probably His desire for all of us. (Page 203 "A Miracle For Jen") "I remain in awe of the power of Jennifer's testimony. I came to realize that our story isn't the story of a car accident. Our story is the story of God's grace and the working out of His perfect will in our lives. It's the story of faith that allows me to trust God even when I don't understand His plan. It's the story of embracing life one day at a time, letting go of past regrets and leaving tomorrow's problems for tomorrow. It's the story of giving up the dreams I had for the reality I now have. It's the story of celebrating the overflowing blessings God has given me rather than mourning what I've lost. It's the story of resting in the Lord and finding contentment in my life today." So true, but hard to do on a daily basis. No way can I do this in my own strength! I'd appreciate prayers as I share with the girls next week. . .that what I say would be what God wants me to share.
Friday, March 1, 2013
My God is SO BIG
I'm reading a book called "A Miracle For Jen". It's the story of a family involved in a serious car accident, and their struggle through recovery. It is told by the mom who was critically injured herself, as she chronicles their journey with their teenaged daughter, who suffered severe brain injury. Their pain and suffering is horrific, but their faith is strong, and their story full of praise to God.
It makes me think of the magnitude of our God. Huge, immense, enormous, vast, great, BIG . . . I feel like I can't think of words that are big enough to describe His power, His character, or His presence!
We each have our own situations where we see God's hand and feel His presence. Our joys, our sorrows, our trials, our own small slice of life. Do you ever consider how God loves, is present, and working in everyone's lives simultaneously, and has been since the beginning of time? It is hard to wrap my mind around that concept. And in every situation His character and His presence are SO BIG!
We don't always feel Him near, or recognize His hand. . .I believe that is our own limitation. Faith requires believing even when we don't see or feel.
Good reading in Sarah Young's "Jesus Lives" for today. . .
ADVERSITY
"No matter what hardships the world may throw at you, you have, in Me, everything you need to persevere. Despair is a deep pit, and sometimes you totter around its edges, precariously close to falling in. Your only hope at such times is to fix your eyes on Me. The more perplexed you are, bewildered by complex circumstances, the easier it is to lose your balance. To keep from falling, you must change your focus from your circumstances to My Presence. This requires strenuous effort on your part, because you have not fully accepted the limitations of your mind. Your natural tendency is to keep thinking about a difficult situation, trying to figure it out. I am always near, eager to help you change your focus.
Though you may be hard pressed on every side, you need not be crushed by your difficulties. You are not alone in your battles because I will never abandon you. I am the Shepherd and Guardian of your soul. I give you eternal life and you will never perish. No one can snatch you out of My hand."
288. The greatness of God - small word - HUGE concept
289. The stories of others
290. Today
It makes me think of the magnitude of our God. Huge, immense, enormous, vast, great, BIG . . . I feel like I can't think of words that are big enough to describe His power, His character, or His presence!
We each have our own situations where we see God's hand and feel His presence. Our joys, our sorrows, our trials, our own small slice of life. Do you ever consider how God loves, is present, and working in everyone's lives simultaneously, and has been since the beginning of time? It is hard to wrap my mind around that concept. And in every situation His character and His presence are SO BIG!
We don't always feel Him near, or recognize His hand. . .I believe that is our own limitation. Faith requires believing even when we don't see or feel.
Good reading in Sarah Young's "Jesus Lives" for today. . .
ADVERSITY
"No matter what hardships the world may throw at you, you have, in Me, everything you need to persevere. Despair is a deep pit, and sometimes you totter around its edges, precariously close to falling in. Your only hope at such times is to fix your eyes on Me. The more perplexed you are, bewildered by complex circumstances, the easier it is to lose your balance. To keep from falling, you must change your focus from your circumstances to My Presence. This requires strenuous effort on your part, because you have not fully accepted the limitations of your mind. Your natural tendency is to keep thinking about a difficult situation, trying to figure it out. I am always near, eager to help you change your focus.
Though you may be hard pressed on every side, you need not be crushed by your difficulties. You are not alone in your battles because I will never abandon you. I am the Shepherd and Guardian of your soul. I give you eternal life and you will never perish. No one can snatch you out of My hand."
288. The greatness of God - small word - HUGE concept
289. The stories of others
290. Today
Monday, February 18, 2013
Thankful
I haven't felt able to write much since Christmas time. There are so many things that I am thankful for, and yet there is so much that still causes me to feel so unsettled.
I had a phone call last weekend that caused me to look again at Sara's journal. I just happened to open it on February 11th, to be reminded that February 11, 2011 was the date she started that journal. Reading that entry, and the entries that followed, I felt like I heard Sara's heart again. She constantly prayed that God will heal her if it was His will. She wanted to share her story and tell others all the amazing things that God was doing in her life. At the same time, her journals are also full of her acceptance of whatever it was God had for her. Over and over are statements of her faith, that she knew He loved her, and she trusted Him. Her faith is an example to me. I realized again my selfishness.
This past weekend I was blessed to spend a few days in Arizona with Heidi and with Kari. We had a girls weekend, and we savored every second of it. It was the two-year anniversary of Sara's graduation celebration with the whole family in Reno. The president of Corban University came to personally give Sara her diploma in February of 2011. Like so many other things in that journey, it was bittersweet. It was such a blessing to Sara, and yet even though we didn't let ourselves think it, we knew it was happening because Sara's time on earth was going to be cut short.
Sara was still a part of our girls weekend. She will always be a part of everything, because she will always be a part of us. I will always love to share her story and to share her faith. Thank you Lord.
278. Time with my girls
279. The closeness of family
280. Fun food
281. Sales
282. Antique stores
283. Baby clothes
284. Unique books
285. Journaling
286. God's perfect timing
287. Every perfect gift from above
I had a phone call last weekend that caused me to look again at Sara's journal. I just happened to open it on February 11th, to be reminded that February 11, 2011 was the date she started that journal. Reading that entry, and the entries that followed, I felt like I heard Sara's heart again. She constantly prayed that God will heal her if it was His will. She wanted to share her story and tell others all the amazing things that God was doing in her life. At the same time, her journals are also full of her acceptance of whatever it was God had for her. Over and over are statements of her faith, that she knew He loved her, and she trusted Him. Her faith is an example to me. I realized again my selfishness.
This past weekend I was blessed to spend a few days in Arizona with Heidi and with Kari. We had a girls weekend, and we savored every second of it. It was the two-year anniversary of Sara's graduation celebration with the whole family in Reno. The president of Corban University came to personally give Sara her diploma in February of 2011. Like so many other things in that journey, it was bittersweet. It was such a blessing to Sara, and yet even though we didn't let ourselves think it, we knew it was happening because Sara's time on earth was going to be cut short.
Sara was still a part of our girls weekend. She will always be a part of everything, because she will always be a part of us. I will always love to share her story and to share her faith. Thank you Lord.
278. Time with my girls
279. The closeness of family
280. Fun food
281. Sales
282. Antique stores
283. Baby clothes
284. Unique books
285. Journaling
286. God's perfect timing
287. Every perfect gift from above
Friday, January 4, 2013
2013
So, two years ago today, I was looking ahead to the new year 2011, finishing up Christmas break projects, getting ready to go back to work at school. We still held on to hope that God would work a miracle in Sara's body and rid her of cancer. She had gone back to school to start her final semester of college. HOPEFUL was our buzz word for the new year. Two years ago this weekend Sara ended up in the Salem hospital, having two liters of fluid drained from her lungs, and ultimately being care-flighted to San Francisco. Two years ago this coming week her team of doctors at UCSF told us that her cancer was back full force and any treatments they could offer would only buy her a few months at best. Those few months between January and May were some of the most difficult, and also some of the most precious. I thank God for every single one of those days we had with Sara.
Now, two years later, and eighteen months after Sara's death, it sometimes feels like I should be willing to put those memories aside, and just focus on the future, being thankful for what God has given. I know that many, many others have experienced similar losses, or worse, and I know that God has been very gracious to me and to my family. It is hard to explain how you can be fine on the outside. . . . go to work, go to church, go about all your normal life routines. . . . and just feel nothing on the inside. I sometimes hear the phrase "moving on", and I get that. Life continues, and we all have to keep moving forward in the journey God has for us. But here is an honest glimpse of my heart. . . . I don't really want to "move on". I recognize that what I want is to stay close to memories of Sara. There is probably a bit of. . . "if I refuse to move on, maybe I'll wake up one morning and it will all go away. . . like a bad dream". If you believe in the stages of grief. . . would that still put me in the denial stage?" I don't really think so. . . . but I think I weave back and forth between those all those stages. . . and I think probably most people do.
I don't really know why I am blogging all this, other than perhaps to apologize to friends and family for seeming to be so "distant". I don't know exactly why that is, but that is usually how I feel. . . just distant. My desire this year is to focus on loving God and trusting Him. Hopefully that will open up my heart to a better outlook, a better attitude, and a more giving spirit.
266. Grace
267. Forgiveness
268. The aroma of turkey soup
269. Les Mis with Woody
270. The power of music
271. Days off of work
272. A job to return to
273. Kids and grandkids
274. Sunshine on snow
275. Coming in from the cold
276. A quilt made of Sara's t-shirts
277. Hope
Now, two years later, and eighteen months after Sara's death, it sometimes feels like I should be willing to put those memories aside, and just focus on the future, being thankful for what God has given. I know that many, many others have experienced similar losses, or worse, and I know that God has been very gracious to me and to my family. It is hard to explain how you can be fine on the outside. . . . go to work, go to church, go about all your normal life routines. . . . and just feel nothing on the inside. I sometimes hear the phrase "moving on", and I get that. Life continues, and we all have to keep moving forward in the journey God has for us. But here is an honest glimpse of my heart. . . . I don't really want to "move on". I recognize that what I want is to stay close to memories of Sara. There is probably a bit of. . . "if I refuse to move on, maybe I'll wake up one morning and it will all go away. . . like a bad dream". If you believe in the stages of grief. . . would that still put me in the denial stage?" I don't really think so. . . . but I think I weave back and forth between those all those stages. . . and I think probably most people do.
I don't really know why I am blogging all this, other than perhaps to apologize to friends and family for seeming to be so "distant". I don't know exactly why that is, but that is usually how I feel. . . just distant. My desire this year is to focus on loving God and trusting Him. Hopefully that will open up my heart to a better outlook, a better attitude, and a more giving spirit.
266. Grace
267. Forgiveness
268. The aroma of turkey soup
269. Les Mis with Woody
270. The power of music
271. Days off of work
272. A job to return to
273. Kids and grandkids
274. Sunshine on snow
275. Coming in from the cold
276. A quilt made of Sara's t-shirts
277. Hope
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