The only journal we have of Sara's is from last year, February through April. I have read it countless times, but there is something about going back and reading what she wrote a year ago today. Last year at this time was when her pain began to be intense, and we all knew that the only thing we could do was to increase her pain meds. After a particularly tough couple of days that we were struggling to re-adjust her meds and get the pain under control, this is what she wrote . . . .
March 28, 2011
"Another wonderful day Lord. Thank you for a beautiful, relaxing day and a fun evening with the girls to top it all off. Lord, as I journal tonight, I want to pray for and lift up anyone but myself. I feel like I'm constantly asking for help in certain areas, and always drawing the attention back to myself. I want to spend this time praying for others. So as I begin Lord, please bring to mind people that are in need, that I need to be reminded to pray for. . . . "
I am so very thankful for every blessed minute that God gave us with Sara. I pray that God increases my awareness to be thankful for all the blessings that surround me, and that I too am constantly reminded to pray for others.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Friday, March 23, 2012
Beyond our understanding
I do not understand God's timing. I do not see or understand His big picture. I do not know all the things I want to know about how it all works, and why things have to happen they way they do. I have to admit I struggle daily to trust Him. Doubt can easily creep in and gain a hold. I can't quite figure out if it is my head or my heart, because both seem to take turns struggling and then gaining a measure of peace. It sounds crazy even as I write this. . . but maybe that is how we have conversations with ourselves . . . between our head and our heart. Or am I just an odd duck that does that?
We got a phone call from Nancy at Corban University earlier this week. She called to tell us that they were forwarding a package of mail to us, that had been forwarded to them from UCSF. She was so sweet and thoughtful to call and let us know it was coming. Even being forewarned, it hit our hearts when it came today. It was a package of cards and letters to Sara that must have been tucked away somewhere at the hospital for over two years. Most dated back to December of 2009 and January of 2010, when Sara was recovering from her first major lung surgery and going through some of her most intensive chemo. There were a few cards from friends here in Fallon, and a huge stack of encouragement cards from students and staff at Corban. They must have had a chapel service where they shared Sara's story and had a time of prayer for her. The students wrote how her story impacted their lives and that they would continue to pray for her. It was a very precious package, but oh, it made Woody and I both weep. I don't know why God decided Sara didn't need those notes two years ago, but that we needed to read them now. I'm so thankful to have them. Again, it's like a piece of her brought near, and I hope and pray God will continue to provide us with those remembrances. Sometimes I think Woody and I slip back into pretending that Sara is just away at Corban, going to classes and enjoying her friends. I still call her phone and listen to her voice message saying "I can't get to my phone right now, but leave a message and I'll call you right back". Oh, I wish!
We got a phone call from Nancy at Corban University earlier this week. She called to tell us that they were forwarding a package of mail to us, that had been forwarded to them from UCSF. She was so sweet and thoughtful to call and let us know it was coming. Even being forewarned, it hit our hearts when it came today. It was a package of cards and letters to Sara that must have been tucked away somewhere at the hospital for over two years. Most dated back to December of 2009 and January of 2010, when Sara was recovering from her first major lung surgery and going through some of her most intensive chemo. There were a few cards from friends here in Fallon, and a huge stack of encouragement cards from students and staff at Corban. They must have had a chapel service where they shared Sara's story and had a time of prayer for her. The students wrote how her story impacted their lives and that they would continue to pray for her. It was a very precious package, but oh, it made Woody and I both weep. I don't know why God decided Sara didn't need those notes two years ago, but that we needed to read them now. I'm so thankful to have them. Again, it's like a piece of her brought near, and I hope and pray God will continue to provide us with those remembrances. Sometimes I think Woody and I slip back into pretending that Sara is just away at Corban, going to classes and enjoying her friends. I still call her phone and listen to her voice message saying "I can't get to my phone right now, but leave a message and I'll call you right back". Oh, I wish!
Thursday, March 22, 2012
A time to. . . .
I read a familiar passage from Ecclesiastes yesterday. . . . Ecc 3:1-14. . . ."There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven - A time to give birth, and a time to die; A time to plant, and a time to uproot what is planted; A time to kill, and a time to heal; A time to tear down, and a time to build up. A time to weep, and a time to laugh; A time to mourn, and a time to dance. . ." and so on. I think all of those appointed times are often woven together and overlap. . . .not only in our own lives, but with each other. Sometimes it is so easy to let discouragement take over. Life often seems like it just brings one heartache after another. But that is what life on this earth is about. . . . all the appointed times. . . .lessons to be learned, work to be done, heartaches to bear, trials to endure, and joys to be surprised by. All these things God uses in our lives. . . and all the joys he gives. . . I just need to keep watching for them.
As crazy as it sounds. . . I believe God gave me this "time to dance". I have started to become more than a little stressed about dancing in Fallon's Dancing With the Stars event next weekend. The dancing has been so much fun (with no one watching), but then the reality of the fact that I actually have to wear a costume set in. Really? A fluffy skirt. . . with tights, a petticoat, and BLOOMERS!? My dear friend Deb made me not one, but TWO skirts (when the first one didn't work out so well). She is a blessing and a gift herself! My second skirt is a light yellow with black trim. . . same colors as Sara's costume when she was in The Music Man. Adonna, the costume lady at the high school, found me a petticoat and bloomers. . . just randomly pulling them out of a big box. When I got them home and really looked at them, I found Sara's name printed on the waistband of the bloomers. . .very special. When I put everything on to practice my dance (even though I look more than a little ridiculous), my thoughts were filled with "I understand why this brought Sara so much joy". It IS fun! All I want right now is to hold on to things that make me feel close to her. This is one of those things. I am thankful.
Sara wrote in her journal alot during the month of March last year. I think we were still in much denial at that time, not really believing that God would take her from us. Reading her journal, I realize she was facing it much better than we were.
March 22, 2011. . . "Lord, it's hard sometimes to sit around waiting for things to get worse. I'm not sure what You have in store for me, but I'm having a hard time just sitting and waiting. Please Lord, give me guidance, help me to know what it is You want me to do with my life, whatever it may be like. And if it's just staying here at home reading and doing crafts, help me to be content with that. Lord, whatever I do I want to make sure I'm honoring and pleasing You. Help me to keep You as the focus of everything, and please help me to be patient in this time of waiting. I love you Lord. Amen."
As crazy as it sounds. . . I believe God gave me this "time to dance". I have started to become more than a little stressed about dancing in Fallon's Dancing With the Stars event next weekend. The dancing has been so much fun (with no one watching), but then the reality of the fact that I actually have to wear a costume set in. Really? A fluffy skirt. . . with tights, a petticoat, and BLOOMERS!? My dear friend Deb made me not one, but TWO skirts (when the first one didn't work out so well). She is a blessing and a gift herself! My second skirt is a light yellow with black trim. . . same colors as Sara's costume when she was in The Music Man. Adonna, the costume lady at the high school, found me a petticoat and bloomers. . . just randomly pulling them out of a big box. When I got them home and really looked at them, I found Sara's name printed on the waistband of the bloomers. . .very special. When I put everything on to practice my dance (even though I look more than a little ridiculous), my thoughts were filled with "I understand why this brought Sara so much joy". It IS fun! All I want right now is to hold on to things that make me feel close to her. This is one of those things. I am thankful.
Sara wrote in her journal alot during the month of March last year. I think we were still in much denial at that time, not really believing that God would take her from us. Reading her journal, I realize she was facing it much better than we were.
March 22, 2011. . . "Lord, it's hard sometimes to sit around waiting for things to get worse. I'm not sure what You have in store for me, but I'm having a hard time just sitting and waiting. Please Lord, give me guidance, help me to know what it is You want me to do with my life, whatever it may be like. And if it's just staying here at home reading and doing crafts, help me to be content with that. Lord, whatever I do I want to make sure I'm honoring and pleasing You. Help me to keep You as the focus of everything, and please help me to be patient in this time of waiting. I love you Lord. Amen."
Sunday, March 18, 2012
The Blessing of Family
So thankful for family! We had a great weekend visiting my mom, Woody's mom, and Woody's sister, Haidi and her husband, Jon. It was especially special to have such a sweet time visiting with them all together. Woody and I feel so blessed that our families love each other and enjoy being together. We are also so thankful for our children's spouses, and that we enjoy relationships with their families as well. Huge blessings!
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Shooting stars . . .here, then gone
For Christmas several years ago, I gave Sara a necklace that had a little silver disc with a star cutout in the center. I remember searching specifically because she loved stars, and was so excited when I found it. She wore it alot, and we have several pictures of her that show that necklace. I began wearing that necklace after Sara died . . . just because. Yesterday at school the necklace must have come unclasped. I had been out on bus duty, then came back in to my office, and the chain fell off onto the floor. . . . no star. It is so ridiculous, but I almost felt like she died all over again. Even still, I keep telling myself. . . it's just a necklace.
It's not really the necklace. I still just want what I can't have. Acceptance is the constant battle. And the truth of the matter is, I still don't really want to accept it. Thankfully, God is patient. Day by day, one step at a time.
It's not really the necklace. I still just want what I can't have. Acceptance is the constant battle. And the truth of the matter is, I still don't really want to accept it. Thankfully, God is patient. Day by day, one step at a time.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Surrender
I wonder if we ever totally surrender these selfish wills of ours (speaking personally here), or if we play a constant give and take with the Lord until He takes us home. Like. . . the spirit is willing but the flesh is so weak.
March 3, 2011. . . Sara wrote. . . . "Lord, again I'm trusting You as best as I can, and I know You have a plan for my life that far surpasses anything I could ever imagine, but please Lord, heal me of this cancer. I'm not sure how long I have, and I'm not sure if this is a selfish thing to say or not, but there is just so much that I still want to do, including sharing my story of all the amazing things You've done and continue to do in my life. Please Lord, help me to be content and just trust in You and Your plan for my life. I need You so badly. It's hard to feel like I'm just sitting and waiting, not really knowing what comes next or what's going to happen in the next couple of months, or even weeks. I am reminded that I need to cast all my cares on You Lord, but right now that's alot easier said than done. Please just keep reminding me throughout the rest of the day that I'm inYour hands, and as long as I keep looking to You and putting my trust in You, I have absolutely nothing to fear. Thank You Lord for the amazing people You've surrounded me with, and all the blessings You've given me. I love You Lord, and please help me to show that love to others. Amen."
I often come to my blog and think I want to write, but then I just sit here. Or, I write something, and then delete it all. As I keep reading over Sara's journal entries from the last three months of her life, I believe her words are much better than any of my own. Maybe it also does a bit of fulfilling her desire of "sharing her story, and all the amazing things Jesus did in her life".
March 3, 2011. . . Sara wrote. . . . "Lord, again I'm trusting You as best as I can, and I know You have a plan for my life that far surpasses anything I could ever imagine, but please Lord, heal me of this cancer. I'm not sure how long I have, and I'm not sure if this is a selfish thing to say or not, but there is just so much that I still want to do, including sharing my story of all the amazing things You've done and continue to do in my life. Please Lord, help me to be content and just trust in You and Your plan for my life. I need You so badly. It's hard to feel like I'm just sitting and waiting, not really knowing what comes next or what's going to happen in the next couple of months, or even weeks. I am reminded that I need to cast all my cares on You Lord, but right now that's alot easier said than done. Please just keep reminding me throughout the rest of the day that I'm inYour hands, and as long as I keep looking to You and putting my trust in You, I have absolutely nothing to fear. Thank You Lord for the amazing people You've surrounded me with, and all the blessings You've given me. I love You Lord, and please help me to show that love to others. Amen."
I often come to my blog and think I want to write, but then I just sit here. Or, I write something, and then delete it all. As I keep reading over Sara's journal entries from the last three months of her life, I believe her words are much better than any of my own. Maybe it also does a bit of fulfilling her desire of "sharing her story, and all the amazing things Jesus did in her life".
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