November 30th

I haven't written much lately, mostly because I haven't felt like many of my thoughts are worth sharing.  Oh, my mind goes non-stop, my thoughts go up and down and 'round and 'round.  I have so many blessings and so many things to be thankful for, but my heart hurts so much.  I analyze, re-analyze, and over-analyze, trying to figure things out and "get a grip".  I hurt, but there are SO MANY hurts and problems in this world.  It sometimes seems easier just to try to become numb to it all.  But that isn't really any easier.

Here is an amazing thing. . . . have you ever noticed how a daily devotional book often hits you right between the eyes, exactly when you need it?  What a GOD thing!  I don't know if it is appropriate to copy from someone else on to your own blog. . . . but this is from "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young. . . written for November 30th. . . .

"Problems are a part of life. They are inescapable, woven into the very fabric of this fallen world.  You tend to go into problem-solving mode all too readily, acting as if you have the capacity to fix everything. This is a habitual response, so automatic that it bypasses your conscious thinking.  Not only does this habit frustrate you, it also distances you from Me.  Do not let fixing things be your top priority. You are ever so limited in your capacity to correct all that is wrong in the world around you. Don't weigh yourself down with responsibilities that are not your own. Instead, make your relationship with Me your primary concern.  Talk with me about whatever is on your mind, seeking My perspective on the situation.  Rather than trying to fix everything that comes to your attention, ask me to show you what is truly important.  Remember that you are en route to heaven, and let your problems fade in the Light of eternity."

The verses listed with this reading (which you need to read) are Luke 10:41-42 and Psalm 32:8.  BUT, you actually need to read Psalm 32:1-7.  I have to post the beginning and the ending. . . "How blessed is she whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered!. . . Thou art my hiding place.  Thou dost preserve me from trouble.  Thou dost surround me with songs of deliverance."  :)

And. . . I'm thinking I might start posting all the "Sara stories" that are constantly running through my head.  I want to remember them all.  They are good things.  :)

So thankful for all our children and their spouses... and for our precious little grandson. So thankful for my mom, and my brother and his family.... so thankful for all of Woody's family.  I pray everyone had a wonderful time of thanksgiving being with people they love. 

We spent the weekend in Oregon at Kari & Brett's, with Sam & Kimberly, Heidi & Brady, and my mom joining us there. We decided that collectively, we are pretty good cooks!  We had a perfect turkey, yummy mashed potatoes & gravy, delicious asparagus casserole, incredibly creative stuffing (including celery, red onion, apples, craisins, and pecans), a strawberry, cream cheese, pretzel salad (that Brett called a side casserole - but seemed more like dessert), and to top it all off. . . homemade (via Heidi and a magazine recipe) salted caramel pie.  The whole meal was truly Betty Crocker worthy.  On Friday night we enjoyed the company of several of Sara's friends (Nash, Liz & Brent, and Kristen), and tried our hand at making homemade scotchmallows.  That was an adventure too, and we gave See's a pretty good run for their money!  I am thankful to know that Sara would have loved and enjoyed every minute, and the only place she'd rather be, is where she is now. 

Thanksgiving

I will be THANKFUL.  I AM thankful.  I choose thankfulness.  God IS good.  His lovingkindness is everlasting.  His mercies to me are new every morning.  There are daily reminders of His work in my life.  I am looking forward to this weekend with family, and dreading it at the same time. 

The easiest way to face life is to pocket the pain and move forward.  Sometimes there is just no way around facing it, and it just hurts.  I am still thankful.  I think I want to stop analyzing everything this week, and just BE in His presence . . . with thanksgiving. 

Inside-out / Outside-in

Love, love, love musical theater!  It's a little bittersweet since that is something I loved to share with Sara.  We always thought it would be so much fun if people in real life would just occasionally break into singing and dancing.  I guess they actually do that now with flash dancing - or whatever it's called.  It was a great weekend of performances for our Fallon high school, jr high, AND elementary production of "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat".   I'm not a big fan of the movie, but the live show is lots of fun, and I love seeing the talent in our community come together.  It always amazes me how two months of seemingly chaotic rehearsals can turn into such a fabulous show!  Great job cast and crew!  Looking forward to next weekend and our final performances.  

Sundays are particularly hard days. I think maybe that is when the spiritual battle is most intense.  I feel like I am mostly on auto-pilot. I follow the normal routines of my life, doing the things I know I should be doing, but it's like something inside me has clicked off.  Things just don't seem real.  I know God works from the inside-out. . . . but I'm trusting that He also sometimes works from the outside-in. . . and if I just keep going, He will help me get there. 

no one in particular - everyone in general

On Saturdays as I clean my house, I end up spending alot of time looking at pictures, knick knacks, and things around the house that remind me of Sara. . .that are all about Sara.  I need to think about her and talk about her, but I don't really want to talk to anyone.  I don't want to burden anyone, and there is nothing anyone can say or do, it's just that need to keep her memory alive.  I start to feel guilty for continuing to write about Sara on my blog, but then I figure, this is the perfect place where I can talk to "no one in particular, but everyone in general".  That is pretty much what a blog is about isn't it? 

This picture hangs on the wall in our bedroom.  I especially like it because it brings alot of life's seasons together for me.  The frame was a gift from my best friend in college, Amy, who lives in Iowa, and who I haven't seen since Sam was a baby.  The picture is one of Sara's senior pictures, taken by another friend here in Fallon, Tim, whose sweet daughter Mackenzie now attends Corban University and helps with children's ministries at Grace Baptist Church in Salem, just like Sara did.  Amy sent the frame as a gift right after Sara died.  I love it, and I love that we just happened to have the perfect picture to put in it. 

I am thankful for memories, and so thankful for my family. 

Have I mentioned that I love the Fall??  I think this is always one of the busiest seasons.  It seems like a time of constant planning and preparation . . . for a variety of things.  But let's face it, EVERY season is busy these days.  I just love crunchy leaves, vibrant colors, crisp mornings, pumpkin spice flavors and aromas, counting the days till the holidays, and GAINING AN HOUR when the time changes! 

I have a new devotional book (recommended by Kari) entitled "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young.  This morning's reading started like this. . . "Walk peacefully with me through this day.  You are wondering how you will cope with all that is expected of you.  You must traverse this day like any other, one step at a time.  Instead of mentally rehearsing how you will do this or that, keep your mind on My presence, and on taking the next step.  The more demanding your day, the more help you can expect from Me. . . Challenging times wake you up and amplify your awareness of needing My help. . . "  (Ex 33:14, Deut 33:25, Heb 13:20-21, Ps 29:11)  Amazing!  Lately I often feel like I am struggling against God's help.  Why would I do that?  It really makes no sense!  And yet, making the choice to accept God's peace and His promises can be so hard to do.  I guess that's why faith is "the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen" - and I would add or felt.  So thankful His truth is not dependent on how I feel!

We keep finding little reminders of Sara that had been tucked away.  Tonight I was cleaning out my drawer of potholders (realizing I needed to put several in the laundry), and found one with Sara's name and handprint, made in 1993 (she was 5).  We also received a note in the mail from the mom of one of Sara's elementary school friends.  She had found a poem that her son had written to Sara back then, and sent it to us.  Those things are so precious.  They help me hold on to the reality that she was here.  I'm so thankful for every little connection we have.  I sometimes just want to sit and surround myself with those reminders and those memories.  This time last year, Sara was preparing for surgery to remove the recurring tumor in her leg.  We had just been told that she should think about making some quality of life decisions, as she would not be likely to survive her cancer.  I don't think we really believed she would be gone so soon.