Forever Sunshine. . . in the Fall

Sometimes I have a need to go searching for something tangible that sparks a new or fresh memory of Sara.  This morning it was looking (again) through the pictures on her laptop (which Woody and I both use regularly - with all Sara's stuff on it - which is comforting).  I have decided that I am never going to apologize for continuing to write about Sara, or feel like I ought to "move on", since she is the one and only reason I started writing and blogging in the first place.  I started this with CaringBridge when Sara was diagnosed with cancer.  "Letters on Lined Paper" is something Sara loved to write and to receive, and in a sense I'm still writing for and because of her.  Sara is the heart of my blog.  I breathe a sigh of relief just putting that out there, acknowledging that there NEVER needs to come a time when I stop remembering and talking about her.  This morning I found a picture I had never noticed before, and I love it.  It is so "Sara".  When I got up at 5:00 this morning, I noticed that it really, truly IS getting a little cooler in the mornings.  Fall is coming!  This picture of Sara must have been taken in the Fall up in Oregon.  It was in her folder marked kdog's pics  (Kristen A. - love this girl too!)

154.  Pictures worth a thousand words
155.  Late afternoon phone conversations with Kari (on her way home from work)
156.  Early moring phone conversations with Heidi (on her way to work)
157.  Conversations with Sam anytime he has time
158.  That Woody comes to school to put up the soccer goal nets for me - my 4th and 5th graders
          LOVE him!
159.  Our Forever Sunshine

minor detail

Just a funny note. . . I got home from work and musical practice tonight, and Woody says. . . "Liked your posts, but the movie is not The Man Who Knew Too Much.  It's called The Man Who Knew Too LITTLE!"  Cracked me up!  Whatever it's called - it's a great movie!

I loved being back at school today with all the kids AND our school staff. . . and then being with all the high school kids at musical workshops.  Good first day!

151.  Hugs from 1st-5th graders
152.  First day clean sneakers with bright laces
153.  Everybody eventually getting on the right bus to go home

Prayer

148.  The power and privilege of prayer.

Prayer. . . here is a confession. . . since Sara's death almost 16 months ago, this is one of the things I have struggled with.  I know my struggle involves the acceptance of God's will, which is the very essence of prayer.  I surrender. . . I struggle. . . I surrender. . . .I struggle. . .   Prayer isn't about changing God's mind, it's about adjusting the focus of our hearts.  But still the doubts swirl and swell . . . I didn't pray enough, I didn't pray correctly, I didn't have enough faith, etc., etc.   So my prayers have been simply "Forgive me Lord", "Thank you Lord", "Help me Lord", "Help ________Lord".  I don't know what else to pray.  Woody taught from Colossians 4 today, verse 12.  This stuck . . . "laboring earnestly for you in his prayers, that you may be fully assured in all the will of God."  There you have it. 

I love words, I love rhymes.  This came to mind today. . .

There is joy, just not so sweet.  There are good times, incomplete.
Life continues, good and bad, sometimes happy, sometimes sad.
To memories my heart still clings.  I'm thankful for the peace that brings.
God is faithful, time He gave, so those memories we could save.
Looking forward feels so strange.  I crave familiar, yet also, change.
Trusting God is the only way, but it's so hard, it's hard to pray.
God is bigger than my fear.  In spite of me, He's always near.
Lord, You're constant, ever true.  Please keep my heart in tune with You. 

149.  People who pray
150.  The first day of a new school year - looking forward to seeing all my kids!

Motivation

So, I should be vaccuming. . . I should be practicing music for Beauty and the Beast. . . I should be working in the yard. . . I should be cleaning out the fridge and grocery shopping. . . I should be getting music ready for church. . . I should be paying bills. . . I should probably be back at school getting things ready for Monday. . . .and instead, here I sit avoiding all the afore mentioned.  What is it that motivates or inspires us to do the things we should be doing. . . . or even to do the things we dream of doing?  In fact. . . what is it that motivates people to blog?  That is something I also often wonder about . . . . why do I do this?  But I digress. . . . see how my thoughts wander?  How do I ever get anything done, or put any cohesive thoughts together????

Yesterday was the day all the staff in the district came back to work. . . officially.  We had our district meeting in the high school gym, then our site staff meetings at our individual schools, and Numa had our "Meet and Greet" time, where families and students could come in to find their classrooms and meet their new teachers.  It was a good day . . . a little crazy. . . more than a little chaotic, but good.  Everyone is "gearing up" for a new start, a new school year, a new adventure.  As I was driving back to our school from the all-district meeting at the high school, I was thinking. . . "What is it that inspires or motivates people?"  What is it that inspires or motivates me?  Yesterday, the messages were (kind of in a nutshell) . . ."thanks for all your hard work". . . . "relax and do your job". . . . "we're all in this together". . . "be healthy and fit to feel good and do your best". . . . "take care of yourself so that you can take care of others". . . ."be a good example to your students". . . "believe it can be done". . . and I'm sure there were more, and that other people took away different things. It was all good.

And yet. . . nothing against anyone or anything. . . but none of it really motivated or inspired me. . . . but then again, maybe it really did.  I work hard and do my job. . . and I love my job.  I honestly enjoy all of the things I do. . . so why do I mostly feel unmotivated and uninspired?  It is not a constant thing. . . .it is just that I can't seem to maintain my motivation or inspiration for any length of time lately.  Sometimes I exhaust myself pondering it, and sometimes I just don't even care.  I want to blame it on getting older. . . except for the fact that I know a plethera of people much older than myself who are very motivated and inspired. . . . my mother, for example.  In fact. . . .

142.  My incredible, healthy, happy, wise, and wonderful mom

So. . .perhaps part of it is in continuing to bring my focus back around to the gifts and blessings God faithfully provides, whether I acknowledge them or not.  Really, it is being open to the Spirit of God working in my heart.  I'm thinking that thankfulness generates faith (in the faithfulness of God), which generates hope (in things not of this world), which in turn can generate motivation and inspiration.  So, my continuing choice needs to be thankfulness.  I feel like I say the same things over and over again as I write here.  I guess I just need to keep reminding myself.

143.  The constancy of God (it is a word, I looked it up)
144.  The speeches, sermons, books, movies, songs, stories, people, etc who inspire and motivate
145.  The Man Who Knew Too Much (funniest movie ever - if you haven't seen it, you should)
146.  Enough hours on a Saturday that you can procrastinate a little
147.  The "edit" box

Guess I'll go vaccum now!

Life is like a CANOE TRIP

A few good thoughts from the day. . . . on the way to work I heard this said on the radio. . .
"You should live your life to make a difference rather than a statement".  I like that.  I want to do that.

The theme for our school year. . . "Believe it can be done".  I like that too, on lots of levels.  Have you ever talked with someone, trying to help them solve a problem, only to have them insist that NOTHING will work, that there are NO options?  I think I have probably been on both ends of conversations like that (just ask Woody).  It's kind of like forcing myself to think outside the box. . . .and more importantly, making sure I'm not trying to put God in a box.

And. . . . from my sister-in-law, Haidi . . . ."Life is like a canoe trip".  I like it Haidi.  It definitely has more depth than hot sauce.  The ending analogy. . . a vacation can turn into an endurance adventure, and the journey is more than worth it!  :)   Your explanation kind of made me want to go on one!

137.  Driving to work with the air conditioning blasting and the radio blaring a great song
138.  Collaborative problem solving
139.  Believing GOD can do it
140.  Adventures
141.  Weekends  (and school is JUST starting!)

Life is like hot sauce. . . . ????

132.  My daughter-in-law's blog (kimmyswenson.blogspot.com) - love it!
133.  Getting ready for a new school year - crazy and chaotic - but fun too
134.  Air conditioning - such a WONDERFUL invention!
135.  Kids - mine and kids in general - all ages
136.  Things that help me re-focus and "get a grip" when I miss Sara so much I literally feel like my chest is caving in and I can't breathe

There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about and miss Sara.  I LIKE thinking about her and missing her.  I don't want that to go away.  But. . . .there are random times when something hits me, and my heart just doesn't want to believe that she's really gone.  Those are the times when I feel like an iron fist hits me in the stomach and then squeezes my chest so that I can barely breathe.   It really is a constant and daily choice of focus. . . thankful or despairing. . . . acceptance of God's will or my ridiculous attempts at control. . . .

This morning I found myself wondering why I seem to have such a hard time keeping my focus on God, and keeping a thankful spirit.  Is it a season of life. . . getting old and achy. . . lack of sleep. . . losing Sara. . . empty nest. . . the heartaches everywhere. . . spiritual immaturity. . . a bad attitude. . . all of the above?  I think there is NO season of life that is easy.  Every season has it's challenges.  Maybe it is the faulty thinking that we (I) should be getting better at handling those challenges.  Why should I think I can ever let my guard down?  It IS a constant battle that we all face.

I'm getting tired of the rollercoaster of life analogy and need a new word picture.  This morning in the shower (one of my thinking places), I had this crazy thought. . . . Life is like hot sauce. . . it may be mild, medium, or hot. . . .but it's going to be there.  It made sense to me this morning, but now that I write it here. . . it sounds kind of hokey.  Oh well, maybe tomorrow I'll have a better one.

round and round and up and down

120.  Fall is coming (not for awhile. . . but surely coming)
121.  Knowing that air conditioning does exist, and there are places you can go to experience it, even if it isn't my house (half-hearted swamp cooler), or at work (air conditioning under repairs)
122.  Fallon temperatures in the low hundreds instead of the "teen" hundreds as it is in Phoenix and other places
123.  ICE water
124.  Fans
125.  ICE COLD watermelon

(Do you get the idea that I'm hot??) 

126.  Parkside Bible Fellowship
127.  Numa Elementary School
128.  CCHS girl's soccer
129.  CCHS / Community musical theater
130.  Jobs and community opportunities that provide Woody and I with active/creative outlets that make us get out and among people - when otherwise we might just hole up and "hermitize"
131.  Conversations with dear people that help give new and broader perspective

I think I have always had a tendency to be rather introspective and contemplative. . . but lately I feel like I have become even more so.  Perhaps that is due to the seemingly constant need to keep sorting out my rollercoaster of emotions.  Sometimes I think I can ease up my grip a little. . . . but then I round a curve and take another plunge.  I suppose that is just the ride of this life. . . that we are all on. I find it hard to talk with anyone about the "ride".   I end up thinking that is probably a "control issue".  I want to be able to figure it out, to be able to "hold myself together". . . . or whatever you call it.  And mostly, I just. . . . .can't.

And. . . I know it's because it isn't about me. . . it's about God, and what He has done and is doing.  I was talking with some friends this last Sunday about the music from The Story, which caused me to look online and research that a little more.  "The Story" is a collection of Bible stories. . . .but the emphasis is that the stories are not really about the people. . . . but the truth about WHO God is and what HE does in and through people.  That in itself is a concept that I need to keep wrapping my brain around. 

It has been another difficult week in Fallon, with another family losing their precious 18 year old son in a tragic accident, that also took the lives of 3 others.  We can't see the rhyme or reason for these tragedies. . . and even if we could, they would still be hard to accept.  Lifting up the families and all those hurting. . . .

A few for the road. . . .

112.  Listening to Sam play his guitar and lead worship - with Kimberly harmonizing next to me
113.  The body of Christ - all over the world
114.  Brett's monkey bread
115.  The fact that Fred Meyer's DOES sell pumpkin pie in AUGUST (not that I'm a big fan of pumpkin pie - just sayin')
116.  A two year old who really only wants to wear Nike brand clothes - Nike shorts, t-shirt, shoes, and hat - and the fact that he knows the difference - could get expensive later on
117.  Ross Dress for Less (the whole name) - in reference to #116
118.  A trip to the zoo
119.  Air-conditioning. . . and how much more thankful we are for it when we DON'T have it!

Seasonal Food????

Whoever knew that pumpkin pancakes are seasonal food????  My family assures me that the pancake restaurant is totally legitimate in only serving pumpkin pancakes from September through February, since pumpkin is a fall specialty.  All morning, and on the way to the restaurant, I just smiled at all of them because I KNEW that I remembered seeing pumpkin pancakes PRINTED on the menu.  What I hadn't remembered was the fine print underneath (available September - February).    Oh well!  I ended up sharing a strawberry waffle with Sam (along with a mushroom omelet), which was delicious. . . . especially because of the real, HOMEMADE whipped cream!  But seriously. . . . I still maintain that since pumpkin is a CANNED food, there really is no excuse NOT to serve pumpkin pancakes ALL YEAR LONG!

On another note. . . . there are several books out there that claim a death and back to life experience.  I can't remember the names of all of them that I have read. . . Heaven is For Real is one.  The authors talk about their experience in heaven, seeing angels, and being with Jesus.  Before Sara passed away, I basically ignored these books, assuming that the authors were just sensationalizing their experience.  Since her death, I have been inexplicably drawn to these stories.  I know she is happy and safe with Jesus. . . . but I would like so much to know the DETAILS.

The latest book I found is called To Heaven and Back by Mary C. Neal, who is an orthopaedic surgeon.  This one touched me in a deeper way, as she talked not only about her drowning experience in a kayak accident, but also about the evidences of God's work throughout her life, and later on, the death of her oldest son.  It was interesting and significant to me that she didn't write about her own experience until after her son died.  What she expressed was that the overwhelming emotion for her and her husband during the first few years after his death was fear . . . fear of never emerging from the emotional fog, fear of never again being able to experience joy, fear of failing our remaining children, fear of forgetting. . . . I so relate to these fears.  On the flip side, I also relate to her assurance and acknowledgement of the continuing and active presence of God in her life. . . never coincidences. . . . the work of a loving heavenly Father accomplishing my good for His glory. 

Moments that take your breath away. . . .

101.  33 years with the love of my life - Happy Anniversary Woody!
102.  The Original Pancake House in Salem, Oregon
103.  Pumpkin pancakes with REAL whipped cream
104.  The denseness and varied greens of Oregon vegetation - gorgeous!
105.  Playing baseball, golf, lacrosse, and hockey all at the same time - with Wyatt
106.  The different perspectives we gain from books. . . and conversation
107.  Our children and spouses. . . and grandchild. . . priceless
108.  Walks in old neighborhoods
109.  Summer Olympics
110.  A change of scenery
111.  Moments that take your breath away

Sam and Kimberly moved out of their apartment and into an older little house in an older neigborhood in Salem.  Last night we all took a walk and followed a dead end street up a hill where the houses and landscape got more and more charming with every step we took.  At the end of the lane we stepped up to a break in the trees and this was the view (picture taken by Kimberly).  Yes. . . . a moment that took our breath away.  I do love Oregon! 

I haven't blogged for awhile.  My thoughts and comtemplations sometimes become stale, and I just sit staring at the blank screen.  I am so thankful for a change of scenery and different perspectives.  I read a book that surprised and helped me on our drive up to Oregon. . . . but I'll share that next time.  Getting ready to go celebrate our anniversary with a family breakfast at the Original Pancake House (perhaps my favorite restaurant).  Heidi and Brady we miss you and wish you were here!!!!   If we could we'd all come to Phoenix for dinner at Oregano's ( my favorite Phoenix restaurant).