I'm dreaming again. I am a person who has always had very vivid and outlandish dreams (that I could usually remember with much clarity). Then I went through I time when I stopped dreaming (probably has something to do with the fact that it has also been quite awhile since I have had a good nights sleep). Sleep still eludes me, but I usually fall asleep and stay that way sometime between 2:00 and 3:00am. Now that school has started, I'm back to getting up between 5:00 and 5:30am, and this week I have had some crazy dreams that stay with me when my alarm goes off.
The first day of school I woke up from a dream where I had decided to go see my friend Leslie in California for one last visit before school started. I had spent the night, confident that I could get up, get ready, and make it to school by 7:00am. In my dream, my alarm went off at 5:00am and I realized that there was no way I could drive from Southern California to get here to Fallon by 7:00. To make matters worse, I couldn't find her bathroom to take a shower, couldn't find my clothes. . . . and I finally woke up, relieved that I really only had a 10 minute drive to school!
Some of my other dreams this week have included Woody and I moving into an old "antique style" house, complete with many interesting nooks and crannies (that I have never seen in reality but somehow recognized from previous dreams). Weird! I also dreamt that I was diagnosed with Siberian cancer of the mouth (have no idea where that came from, but it was so real that I was ready to look it up on the internet the next morning to see if there was such a thing). I even dreamt that I had a baby. It was supposed to be a boy, but actually turned out to be a girl. She came out talking and looking exactly like one of my adorable 2nd graders at school, with long brown hair and freckles. The best dream was that Sara was actually with me all the time, but no one could see her except me. Selfish I know, but it was wonderful! How I wish that could be true. I would absolutely be willing to share her if we could have her back! I'm thankful for the dream anyway. . . . hope I have it again.
I went to get my hair cut on Thursday after school and picked up a magazine while I was waiting. The first thing I opened to was an advertisement for the City of Hope cancer center. The ad said something like. . . "Two of my friends were knocked down by cancer. The doctor told them they should just enjoy the time they had left. Instead of giving up, they contacted the City of Hope Cancer Center, and now. . . they are both cancer free!" I can't even tell you what that did to my heart. I am happy for those people, but it takes my mind right back down the path of. . . . maybe we didn't do the right thing for Sara. Maybe we should have left UCSF and sought another opinion or another course of treatment. Maybe we should have made Sara stay on an intensive regimen of chemo even when the doctors said it wouldn't cure her but would only make her last days more miserable. Maybe we should have pursued some of the obscure clinics or treatment plans that were constantly swirling around us. Maybe we just didn't pray hard enough. . . . .maybe, maybe. I know all these thoughts are futile and unproductive (and not God-honoring). I know that we have to trust that God took Sara EXACTLY when and how He planned. But it is still hard. It will always be hard. Trusting God and surrendering to Him is a DAILY, no HOURLY discipline. We know we need to do it, but we need HIS strength to keep at it and to let HIM accomplish it in us.
Philippians 4:8 ". . .whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, let your mind dwell on these things." Still counting 1000 (plus) gifts. . .
370. Sleeping long enough to dream
371. Good memories
372. Children
373. Grandchildren
374. Busy days at school
375. Recess outside
376. Constant and complete forgiveness
377. Air conditioning
378. Early morning sunshine
379. Three day weekends
380. Anticipation of Fall
381. Pumpkin everything!
Saturday, August 31, 2013
Sunday, August 25, 2013
Summer's Over - Back to School
So another summer comes to an end. This summer ended on a very high note with the birth of our third grandbaby on August 21st. Graden Ames Timmerman joined his brother Wyatt, and sweet little cousin Ellery. We feel so incredibly blessed to have been able to spend so much time with all of our children this summer, and to have plenty (although never enough) of grandma and grandpa time.
Enjoyed some good books, worked in the yard, grew some beautiful flowers, found some fun antiques (or maybe just good junk with character), did some craft projects, worked with children's musical theater camp and put on a fun pirate musical, spent a little time with friends, and spent a lot of time with family. God has used many things this summer to keep me reflecting on where my heart is. The best thing I know to do when things seem rough is to focus on blessings, and all I have to be thankful for. So thankful for God's grace!
The REAL pirates. . . .
And our precious grandchildren . . .
Enjoyed some good books, worked in the yard, grew some beautiful flowers, found some fun antiques (or maybe just good junk with character), did some craft projects, worked with children's musical theater camp and put on a fun pirate musical, spent a little time with friends, and spent a lot of time with family. God has used many things this summer to keep me reflecting on where my heart is. The best thing I know to do when things seem rough is to focus on blessings, and all I have to be thankful for. So thankful for God's grace!
The REAL pirates. . . .
And our precious grandchildren . . .
Saturday, July 13, 2013
Pirate Beards
Yes, this is an amazing family. . . . who will humor their mother and actually pose for a picture in pirate beards. So thankful for each of our kids and their spouses. . . and of course grandkids! We are extremely thankful for every moment we get to spend together.
Sunday, July 7, 2013
Summer
The summer sure does go by quickly. I'm so thankful for a job in the school district. Having a couple of months off during the summer, but knowing there is another busy schedule coming just around the corner, definitely enhances my appreciation of leisure time. I like to be busy, but I also like to "putter". I like to be with people, but I also need some time to myself, and I crave time with family (which is a challenge now that Woody and I are at least a long day's drive from any of our family). I am very thankful for summer puttering and summer visiting.
So far we have enjoyed time with my mom, time with some dear California friends, time with our kids (and grandkids) in Oregon, time with Heidi and Brady (and Sandi Patti - the dog) as they came through town on their road trip to Oregon, time working in the yard, and plenty of time puttering. I actually just looked up the word puttering in the dictionary. It means "to occupy oneself aimlessly, as in wasting time". I feel like I should look for a different word now, because I believe that my time has been spent productively, and productive puttering would seem to be an oxymoron. Oh well. I am still going to give myself permission to continue puttering this summer.
Another blessing is that as I was struggling today with the technology of downloading pictures from my camera to my computer (should be a simple task I know), I found a file of pictures on my computer that I hadn't seen for a long time. One thing about missing Sara is that it is such a gift to randomly come upon a picture of her, or something of hers that sparks a memory. It's the same with special songs, funny stories, or little things I see that I know she'd like. I hope and pray I have those sparks in a constant and consistent way for the rest of my life here on this earth. We are going to celebrate Sara's birthday in Oregon with all of the kids this year, and we will embrace all those memories as we wish we could be embracing her.
So far we have enjoyed time with my mom, time with some dear California friends, time with our kids (and grandkids) in Oregon, time with Heidi and Brady (and Sandi Patti - the dog) as they came through town on their road trip to Oregon, time working in the yard, and plenty of time puttering. I actually just looked up the word puttering in the dictionary. It means "to occupy oneself aimlessly, as in wasting time". I feel like I should look for a different word now, because I believe that my time has been spent productively, and productive puttering would seem to be an oxymoron. Oh well. I am still going to give myself permission to continue puttering this summer.
Another blessing is that as I was struggling today with the technology of downloading pictures from my camera to my computer (should be a simple task I know), I found a file of pictures on my computer that I hadn't seen for a long time. One thing about missing Sara is that it is such a gift to randomly come upon a picture of her, or something of hers that sparks a memory. It's the same with special songs, funny stories, or little things I see that I know she'd like. I hope and pray I have those sparks in a constant and consistent way for the rest of my life here on this earth. We are going to celebrate Sara's birthday in Oregon with all of the kids this year, and we will embrace all those memories as we wish we could be embracing her.
A picture from Sara's senior year in high school
Time with Wyatt & Ellery
Time with my amazing mom
Being creative in our backyard
351. The Happy Book - a gift from a much-loved friend
352. Antique stores
353. Browsing
354. Summer rain
355. Yard art
356. Flowers
357. Good books
358. New songs
359. Air conditioning
360. A comfortable home
361. Salted caramel coffee ice cream cake
362. Road trips
363. The funny things children say
364. Being honest with yourself
365. So many daily blessings that I never want to take for granted
366. Time to be quiet
367. God's never-failing love, patience, & forgiveness
368. Learning to yield
369. Creative outlets - like crocheting pirate beards - Pirate musical coming the end of July!
My goal is to number at least 1,000 gifts and blessings. I haven't gone back and read through the first three hundred, but I'm fairly certain there are many repeats. That's okay. When I get to 1,000 I'll be interested to go back and see which blessings are listed over and over again. Most of all I want to keep cultivating a thankful heart. Not holding on to things of this world, but keeping my eyes on God, the One who provides, and finding joy in Him.
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Birthday Blessings
Yesterday was my birthday. I had set my expectations pretty low in anticipation of the day, or even the week. As May rolls into June the memories that flood my mind are of my birthday in June 2009 when Woody and Sara and I headed to Reno to "get Sara's knee fixed" and then spend the day celebrating with shopping and dinner. Instead we began our journey with Sara's cancer.
In June 2010 Sara bought a heart charm and had it engraved on one side "June 2009" and on the other side "Phil 4:13". She was done with her year of treatment and set to move forward with her life. She said she wanted something to always remind her of what God had brought her through, and she wore it on a bracelet. I wear that charm now, and I will always remember.
There's a line in a song. . . ."HE gives and takes away, HE gives and takes away. My heart will choose to say, 'Lord, blessed be Your name!" It's hard to accept God taking Sara away, but He has given me so much. My birthday was a great reminder of that. Thankful list continued. . . .
331. My parents. . . I miss my Dad. . . my mom is absolutely AMAZING!
332. My brother and his family. . . don't get to see them much. . . love them to pieces
333. My husband. . . such a blessing. . . and his family . . . blessings overflowing
334. Our kids and their spouses. . . .they fill my heart
335. Early morning phone calls
336. Grandkids. . . oh what absolute JOY!
337. Ellery Sara Swenson born 5/29. . . . pure preciousness!
338. Airplanes!!
339. Friends and family near and far. . . . gifts from God every one
340. A job I love. . . with a staff and kids that are absolutely wonderful!
341. Laughter with co-workers. . .even when things are hectic and crazy
342. A ga-zillion birthday wishes and hugs from my kids at school
343. Watching kids grow up. . . investing in their lives. . . loving them
344. High school kids. . . graduations
345. Flowers. . . fun pots/containers. . . watering early in the morning or late in the evening
346. Summertime
347. Planning musicals
348. The end of a school year
349. Memories. . .
350. The grace and mercy of God that gets us through each day!
. . . . . could go on and on. . . . gotta go to work. . . .second to the last day of school with kids!
In June 2010 Sara bought a heart charm and had it engraved on one side "June 2009" and on the other side "Phil 4:13". She was done with her year of treatment and set to move forward with her life. She said she wanted something to always remind her of what God had brought her through, and she wore it on a bracelet. I wear that charm now, and I will always remember.
There's a line in a song. . . ."HE gives and takes away, HE gives and takes away. My heart will choose to say, 'Lord, blessed be Your name!" It's hard to accept God taking Sara away, but He has given me so much. My birthday was a great reminder of that. Thankful list continued. . . .
331. My parents. . . I miss my Dad. . . my mom is absolutely AMAZING!
332. My brother and his family. . . don't get to see them much. . . love them to pieces
333. My husband. . . such a blessing. . . and his family . . . blessings overflowing
334. Our kids and their spouses. . . .they fill my heart
335. Early morning phone calls
336. Grandkids. . . oh what absolute JOY!
337. Ellery Sara Swenson born 5/29. . . . pure preciousness!
338. Airplanes!!
339. Friends and family near and far. . . . gifts from God every one
340. A job I love. . . with a staff and kids that are absolutely wonderful!
341. Laughter with co-workers. . .even when things are hectic and crazy
342. A ga-zillion birthday wishes and hugs from my kids at school
343. Watching kids grow up. . . investing in their lives. . . loving them
344. High school kids. . . graduations
345. Flowers. . . fun pots/containers. . . watering early in the morning or late in the evening
346. Summertime
347. Planning musicals
348. The end of a school year
349. Memories. . .
350. The grace and mercy of God that gets us through each day!
. . . . . could go on and on. . . . gotta go to work. . . .second to the last day of school with kids!
Monday, June 3, 2013
Blessings in a Bucket
After 17 years of living in our house, we have finally gotten around to doing some landscaping in our backyard. It took us a long time to figure out what we wanted to do, but now it's kind of fun to have some trees and plants out there. . . and to see which ones we can actually keep living and growing!
This weekend, I decided I needed some "containers with character" that I could fill with flowers to add some interest and color. My dear friend has a store here in Fallon called "Blessings in a Bucket". Besides loving the name of the shop, I just had a hunch that she would have the sort of treasures I was looking for . . . and I was not disappointed. I think this is going to be my on-going summer project. . . . collecting containers and planting flowers!
I also found a RED table . . . which reminded me of Sara. It makes a perfect addition to our back porch "chair time"!
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Ellery Sara Swenson
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
gifts. . . .
322. Reading stories written by 1st graders
323. First graders
324. Spring planting
325. Perennials that actually come back after a Nevada winter - at the Swenson's
326. An awesome school staff who declared this week "Counselor Appreciation Week"
327. So You Think You Can Dance - so many memories of watching this in the hospital with Sara
328. Granddaughter Ellery Sara Swenson due May 25th - praying for safe delivery for baby and mama
329. Craft projects
330. Dancing in the rain
323. First graders
324. Spring planting
325. Perennials that actually come back after a Nevada winter - at the Swenson's
326. An awesome school staff who declared this week "Counselor Appreciation Week"
327. So You Think You Can Dance - so many memories of watching this in the hospital with Sara
328. Granddaughter Ellery Sara Swenson due May 25th - praying for safe delivery for baby and mama
329. Craft projects
330. Dancing in the rain
Saturday, May 11, 2013
Happy Mother's Day
Friday, May 3, 2013
Favorites
So I left work early today. . . .just needing to be by myself. . . .one of those times when you need something, but you don't know exactly what you need. . . .or what you think you need you can't have.
I went to the cemetery wanting to sit by Sara's grave, and wouldn't you know, the groundskeeper's cart was parked right there. He was SLOWLY raking, putting down extra dirt . . . .and whatever else it is that they do. So I parked a ways away and waited for him to be done. My plan was to relax, think, pray, remember. . . .but of course all I did was worry about how long he was going to take. I finally did get some time there, but by then the sprinklers were coming on so. . . oh well. . . she's not THERE anyway.
Driving away, I tried to think of what I should do next. . . but being that I needed to use the restroom. . . I knew I would have to do it fairly quickly. I finally decided I would stop at the quick market and get pepsi freezes to take home for Woody and I. That is something that Sara and I often did, or that I picked up for her when she was feeling yucky. So I stopped, gathered my change and went inside. . . . only to find that the machine was defrosting. . . so no pepsi freezes. At that point I knew I just had to go home.
Yes, my first tendency was to want to cry, or be very annoyed. But then I imagined Sara sitting in the front seat next to me (because this sort of thing happened with us many a time). I would vent, she would laugh, and I would feel better. So I made myself laugh. It was a true "Sara" memory.
It's not about not understanding, or being angry because it isn't fair. Nothing's fair and everyone has lost people they love. Like others in similar situations, it's just about missing her so very much. I feel like I can't get enough of the memories, or I'm afraid I won't remember them all, or that they will fade away if I don't hang on. When I remember the pain Sara endured, I'm so, so thankful that she is beyond all that and rejoicing in heaven. I would never wish her back for her. I just have to deal with the wishing her back for us.
We've had many loving, encouraging notes this week, and beautiful flowers. . . .sweet thoughts from thoughtful friends. I love that Sara is remembered. I want to remember everything about her. I need to remember her favorite things, and since I am a list maker, I figure this is a good time and place.
Sara's favorites - a RANDOM listing
All her siblings (and their spouses)
The family together
Disney princesses - especially Cinderella
Red nail polish
Pedicures
Silver jewelery - especially rings
Mascara
Bubble gum
Scotchmallows
The summer after her senior year in high school
Oreos and milk
Otis Spunkmeier chocolate muffins and milk
Naming her cars - Sally and Dolly
Being aunt Sara
Stars and polka dots
The color red
Rain boots
Flip flops
Silly songs
Camp
Singing and dancing - at the same time
Reading and journaling
Gymnastics
Fluffy pillows
Soft blankets
Being in, choreographing, or helping with musicals - in any capacity
Wicked
Harry Potter
Friends - in real life and the TV show
White Christmas - and the song "Sisters"
Big sun glasses
Big lip smacker lip gloss
Target
Playing games
Quelf
Bowling
Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy
Gerber daisies
Her roommates - every single one she ever had
Her red phone - talking to and texting her friends
Worship songs - especially The Revelation Song
Bright colored socks
Lotion on her feet
Dairy Queen blizzards
Soft pretzels from the movie theater
Cherry Coke
White chocolate mochas from Starbucks
Starbucks red Christmas cups
CHRISTMAS
Red, white, and blue
Letters on lined paper
Salad with ranch dressing
Mac & cheese
Mashed potatoes
BBQs
Going to Grandma's
Painting
Making gifts
New York
So You Think You Can Dance
Cooking shows
Enchanted
The Sandlot
Little kids
Playing crazy rum
Pie with no filling - just the crust
Steamed broccoli
Bacon cheeseburgers
Starbursts and skittles (the kind in the blue bag)
Quesadillas
Laughter with friends and family
Gotta stop. That's a start for now. So thankful for memories.
I went to the cemetery wanting to sit by Sara's grave, and wouldn't you know, the groundskeeper's cart was parked right there. He was SLOWLY raking, putting down extra dirt . . . .and whatever else it is that they do. So I parked a ways away and waited for him to be done. My plan was to relax, think, pray, remember. . . .but of course all I did was worry about how long he was going to take. I finally did get some time there, but by then the sprinklers were coming on so. . . oh well. . . she's not THERE anyway.
Driving away, I tried to think of what I should do next. . . but being that I needed to use the restroom. . . I knew I would have to do it fairly quickly. I finally decided I would stop at the quick market and get pepsi freezes to take home for Woody and I. That is something that Sara and I often did, or that I picked up for her when she was feeling yucky. So I stopped, gathered my change and went inside. . . . only to find that the machine was defrosting. . . so no pepsi freezes. At that point I knew I just had to go home.
Yes, my first tendency was to want to cry, or be very annoyed. But then I imagined Sara sitting in the front seat next to me (because this sort of thing happened with us many a time). I would vent, she would laugh, and I would feel better. So I made myself laugh. It was a true "Sara" memory.
It's not about not understanding, or being angry because it isn't fair. Nothing's fair and everyone has lost people they love. Like others in similar situations, it's just about missing her so very much. I feel like I can't get enough of the memories, or I'm afraid I won't remember them all, or that they will fade away if I don't hang on. When I remember the pain Sara endured, I'm so, so thankful that she is beyond all that and rejoicing in heaven. I would never wish her back for her. I just have to deal with the wishing her back for us.
We've had many loving, encouraging notes this week, and beautiful flowers. . . .sweet thoughts from thoughtful friends. I love that Sara is remembered. I want to remember everything about her. I need to remember her favorite things, and since I am a list maker, I figure this is a good time and place.
Sara's favorites - a RANDOM listing
All her siblings (and their spouses)
The family together
Disney princesses - especially Cinderella
Red nail polish
Pedicures
Silver jewelery - especially rings
Mascara
Bubble gum
Scotchmallows
The summer after her senior year in high school
Oreos and milk
Otis Spunkmeier chocolate muffins and milk
Naming her cars - Sally and Dolly
Being aunt Sara
Stars and polka dots
The color red
Rain boots
Flip flops
Silly songs
Camp
Singing and dancing - at the same time
Reading and journaling
Gymnastics
Fluffy pillows
Soft blankets
Being in, choreographing, or helping with musicals - in any capacity
Wicked
Harry Potter
Friends - in real life and the TV show
White Christmas - and the song "Sisters"
Big sun glasses
Big lip smacker lip gloss
Target
Playing games
Quelf
Bowling
Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy
Gerber daisies
Her roommates - every single one she ever had
Her red phone - talking to and texting her friends
Worship songs - especially The Revelation Song
Bright colored socks
Lotion on her feet
Dairy Queen blizzards
Soft pretzels from the movie theater
Cherry Coke
White chocolate mochas from Starbucks
Starbucks red Christmas cups
CHRISTMAS
Red, white, and blue
Letters on lined paper
Salad with ranch dressing
Mac & cheese
Mashed potatoes
BBQs
Going to Grandma's
Painting
Making gifts
New York
So You Think You Can Dance
Cooking shows
Enchanted
The Sandlot
Little kids
Playing crazy rum
Pie with no filling - just the crust
Steamed broccoli
Bacon cheeseburgers
Starbursts and skittles (the kind in the blue bag)
Quesadillas
Laughter with friends and family
Gotta stop. That's a start for now. So thankful for memories.
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
beginnings. . . . . and endings. . . . and beginnings
May 1st . . . April, May, and June are filled with memories of beginnings and endings. I guess that is not really anything phenomenal, we could all probably say that about any month or season. That is life. . . . beginnings and endings and the story in between. The pain in Sara's knee became more than a minor discomfort in April of 2009. She came home in May and we made an appointment with the doctor for June 4th. Her treatment for osteosarcoma started immediately. In April of 2010 Sara completed her protocol of chemo and her second lung surgery. May and June were months of recovery, physical therapy, a "final" leg surgery, and plans for resuming her life. May 2nd of 2011 was the end of Sara's life here on earth. I still don't understand it, I still don't want to accept it, I still struggle against it. . . . . but I am beyond thankful that for Sara, that ending was just a glorious new beginning. I will also always be thankful for those two years we had with Sara. It was two years of recognizing and appreciating all the things we loved about her, and never taking her for granted. That was a gift, and I know we were blessed.
On days when the choice to get up and keep going is particularly difficult, I realize that I have neglected to grab hold of what God continually offers. That is also a choice that is sometimes just hard to make.
I need to continue my "thankful list".
311. The vastness of God's grace and mercy
312. Busy days that pass quickly
313. Lasting friendships
314. That VHS can become DVD - memories of good times
315. When an ending becomes a better beginning
316. Face time - both real and virtual
317. New green growth coming up through plants we thought were dead
318. Open windows
319. Spring flowers
320. New recipes - like curry chicken
321. Family
Gotta go to work. . . . . .
On days when the choice to get up and keep going is particularly difficult, I realize that I have neglected to grab hold of what God continually offers. That is also a choice that is sometimes just hard to make.
I need to continue my "thankful list".
311. The vastness of God's grace and mercy
312. Busy days that pass quickly
313. Lasting friendships
314. That VHS can become DVD - memories of good times
315. When an ending becomes a better beginning
316. Face time - both real and virtual
317. New green growth coming up through plants we thought were dead
318. Open windows
319. Spring flowers
320. New recipes - like curry chicken
321. Family
Gotta go to work. . . . . .
Thursday, April 25, 2013
The "Pit"
I went to a concert last night, in the "Pit" at our old High School . . .Jr High . . .now District Office and Middle School here in Fallon. I played the piano on a couple of songs for the high school choral ensemble called Minor Details, and also for a couple of the kid's solos that they sang for regional solo & ensemble. I LOVE those kids, and their talent is amazing. The director, Tom Fleming is one of the best I've ever known. The concert was absolutely wonderful.
The "Pit" has been recently renovated and looks beautiful. The stage is redone, the wood floor refurbished, the balconies re-railed, etc. . .and while it has lost a bit of its authenticity (because I just kind of like the "old and worn" look), I still love it. I believe it is one of my favorite buildings here in Fallon. I'm not sure how old it is, but I know that many of the older folks in Fallon attended high school there, so at least back to the 1930's or earlier. Heidi, Kari, and Sara attended jr high school there, and in 1996 (when Kari was in 7th grade), we started doing our jr high musicals in the "Pit". Let's see if I can remember. . . the first one was "Ducktails and Bobbysox", then "Shakespeare Comes to Calamity Creek", then "Lucky Hudson", then "Lil Abner", and then "Annie". . . .when we first learned that Sara loved musical theater and she landed the role of Annie. The next year it was "Crazy for You", and Sara had equally as much fun being one of the chorus and learning to tap dance as she had playing the leading role the year before. She just loved being there and being a part of the whole production. I miss doing musicals with her and watching that love flow out of her.
I stood in the open hallway during intermission of last night's concert, looking around, watching people, and just being filled with so many good memories. I chatted for a bit with the lady who taught art for years at Northside Elementary. She taught both Kari and Sara, and Kari was good friends with her son throughout jr high and high school. At one point in our conversation this dear lady said, "And how's Sara?". Time stopped, my brain froze and I could feel it clicking, trying to process and find an answer. I know she saw my confusion and realized her mistake. She said, "I'm so sorry, I get their names confused, I mean Kari." We went on for a little bit with our conversation, the lights blinked to start the concert again, and time moved on. It didn't make me mad or upset. It was actually kind of nice to hear someone say Sara's name out loud. I wanted to live in that moment. . . to think that she was still here, somewhere. . . and how was she? I was even thankful for it, because sometimes I need confirmation that she was really here, that I'm not just living in some dream.
Anyway. . . I wish I had a good picture of the "Pit" to share. It is a lovely old building, filled with many memories for many people. I know it might seem crazy to love a building, but I do. . . . I love all the years of memories it contains.
The "Pit" has been recently renovated and looks beautiful. The stage is redone, the wood floor refurbished, the balconies re-railed, etc. . .and while it has lost a bit of its authenticity (because I just kind of like the "old and worn" look), I still love it. I believe it is one of my favorite buildings here in Fallon. I'm not sure how old it is, but I know that many of the older folks in Fallon attended high school there, so at least back to the 1930's or earlier. Heidi, Kari, and Sara attended jr high school there, and in 1996 (when Kari was in 7th grade), we started doing our jr high musicals in the "Pit". Let's see if I can remember. . . the first one was "Ducktails and Bobbysox", then "Shakespeare Comes to Calamity Creek", then "Lucky Hudson", then "Lil Abner", and then "Annie". . . .when we first learned that Sara loved musical theater and she landed the role of Annie. The next year it was "Crazy for You", and Sara had equally as much fun being one of the chorus and learning to tap dance as she had playing the leading role the year before. She just loved being there and being a part of the whole production. I miss doing musicals with her and watching that love flow out of her.
I stood in the open hallway during intermission of last night's concert, looking around, watching people, and just being filled with so many good memories. I chatted for a bit with the lady who taught art for years at Northside Elementary. She taught both Kari and Sara, and Kari was good friends with her son throughout jr high and high school. At one point in our conversation this dear lady said, "And how's Sara?". Time stopped, my brain froze and I could feel it clicking, trying to process and find an answer. I know she saw my confusion and realized her mistake. She said, "I'm so sorry, I get their names confused, I mean Kari." We went on for a little bit with our conversation, the lights blinked to start the concert again, and time moved on. It didn't make me mad or upset. It was actually kind of nice to hear someone say Sara's name out loud. I wanted to live in that moment. . . to think that she was still here, somewhere. . . and how was she? I was even thankful for it, because sometimes I need confirmation that she was really here, that I'm not just living in some dream.
Anyway. . . I wish I had a good picture of the "Pit" to share. It is a lovely old building, filled with many memories for many people. I know it might seem crazy to love a building, but I do. . . . I love all the years of memories it contains.
Sunday, April 21, 2013
"Bread & Wine" by Shauna Niequist
I'm reading a new book by one of my favorite current authors. The author is Shauna Niequist. She has written two other books that I have already talked about on caringbridge posts or earlier blog posts. "Cold Tangerines" was her first, then "Bittersweet", and her new book is "Bread & Wine: A Love Letter to Life Around the Table with Recipes". I love this woman. I love her writing, I love her genuineness, I love her perspective, I love her humor, I love her love of food. We have nothing in common, and yet we have everything in common. (hard to explain) I highly recommend this book.
This book is full of Shauna's life and learning experiences, and also recipes that are tied to those memories. The funny thing is, I have always said that I really don't enjoy cooking. Then why is it that I love to READ about cooking, and since Sara's illness, have also developed a love of cooking shows like Chopped or Cupcake Wars? I remember when my kids were all young and I was reading some novel about a pioneer family. I don't even remember what it was. At some point in the novel, the mom was making applesauce cookies with her kids. . .big golden brown cookies the size of your palm, soft and warm from the oven, fragrant with the fresh Fall scent of apples and cinnamon, bursting with plump, juicy raisins. I think I stopped right there, went to find my Betty Crocker cook book, and found the closest thing I could find to a recipe for applesauce cookies. (this was before google) Brown sugar drops sounded close, substituting applesauce and butter for vegetable oil and shortening, adding liberal spoonfuls of cinnamon, clove, and nutmeg. . . .and of course substituting chocolate chips for the raisins (even though plump, juicy raisins sounded good in print. . . I knew that oooey, gooey chocolate chips would taste much better). The cookies were a huge hit with my family, and actually permanently displaced Nestle Tollhouse chocolate chip cookies in our household from then on.
Anyway, all that to say, there is just something to reading about delicious foods and the art of putting them together, the words that make your mouth water until you imagine that you can actually taste the sweet or savory creation. . .the words that can actually make someone like me want to get up and go to the kitchen. . . amazing! If you know me, or paid any attention to all the "substitutions" I listed above, you know that I'm not great at following a recipe when I cook. I can't seem to help myself when it comes to leaving out things that don't sound good to me, adding extra ingredients, or just adding more of the things that DO sound good. So, you can imagine my elation when reading through a certain chapter in Shauna's book where she said. . . "Following a recipe is like playing scales, but COOKING is like playing jazz." I LOVE it!!
The concepts Shauna puts forth in her book are so much deeper than just food and cooking. I know I am going to go back and re-read this book when I'm done, to mull it all over and let it sink in. But it has been fun to have an immediate connection through some of my recent cooking experiences. Because I continue to have such a hard time sleeping at night, I have been browsing for ideas about healthy foods to eat in the evening that might help with that problem. I found a recipe for "lullaby muffins" that includes several ingredients said to induce a good's night's rest. Mashed bananas, applesauce, whole wheat flour, almonds, oats, milk, and honey are the ingredients I remember. Sounds like it could be a winner, right? Definitely not!! I actually did follow the recipe (except for adding several shakes of cinnamon, which just needs to be included in anything with applesauce), but I wouldn't really even call the result a muffin. The next recipe I tried was for some healthy cookies (because I am also trying very hard to lose some weight, but struggle with the craving for something sweet - and baked). These also included mashed bananas, applesauce, and oats (and I added chocolate chips since I believe they should be included in most every cookie). These did not taste like, or even resemble anything close to a cookie! As I thought over those two baking disasters, I asked myself why I even tried those recipes, when I don't really like, and rarely eat bananas. ?? During my later browsings, I read that one of the foods you should never eat if you want to lose weight is a banana. Done and done!
Before I close, I do want to share two recipes that have been successes in the past couple of weeks.
The first is a kale salad, a recipe I got from Heidi. Notice that I don't give measures. Sorry, that is one of my big culinary flaws. (or, just the way I play jazz) :)
Chopped kale
Carrot matchsticks
Toasted slivered almonds
Craisins
Shredded parmesan cheese
Grilled chicken
Dressing: Olive oil, lemon juice & zest, crushed red pepper, garlic, salt & pepper
This was delicious. Woody even liked it. The other recipe is one I made up as a result of reading that black beans are good for keeping your body from storing fat. I call it chicken & black bean nachos. I'm thinking the "not storing fat" part probably only works if you eat one SMALL helping.
Cut chicken breasts in small pieces, place in baking dish, and cover with taco sauce or salsa
Bake at 350 for about 40 minutes
Add black beans, chopped green onions, chopped sweet peppers, chopped cilantro
Top with shredded cheddar cheese and bake 10-15 more minutes
Eat with your favorite tortilla chips
I'm ashamed to say Woody and I didn't have any leftovers. We probably stored a little fat!
This book is full of Shauna's life and learning experiences, and also recipes that are tied to those memories. The funny thing is, I have always said that I really don't enjoy cooking. Then why is it that I love to READ about cooking, and since Sara's illness, have also developed a love of cooking shows like Chopped or Cupcake Wars? I remember when my kids were all young and I was reading some novel about a pioneer family. I don't even remember what it was. At some point in the novel, the mom was making applesauce cookies with her kids. . .big golden brown cookies the size of your palm, soft and warm from the oven, fragrant with the fresh Fall scent of apples and cinnamon, bursting with plump, juicy raisins. I think I stopped right there, went to find my Betty Crocker cook book, and found the closest thing I could find to a recipe for applesauce cookies. (this was before google) Brown sugar drops sounded close, substituting applesauce and butter for vegetable oil and shortening, adding liberal spoonfuls of cinnamon, clove, and nutmeg. . . .and of course substituting chocolate chips for the raisins (even though plump, juicy raisins sounded good in print. . . I knew that oooey, gooey chocolate chips would taste much better). The cookies were a huge hit with my family, and actually permanently displaced Nestle Tollhouse chocolate chip cookies in our household from then on.
Anyway, all that to say, there is just something to reading about delicious foods and the art of putting them together, the words that make your mouth water until you imagine that you can actually taste the sweet or savory creation. . .the words that can actually make someone like me want to get up and go to the kitchen. . . amazing! If you know me, or paid any attention to all the "substitutions" I listed above, you know that I'm not great at following a recipe when I cook. I can't seem to help myself when it comes to leaving out things that don't sound good to me, adding extra ingredients, or just adding more of the things that DO sound good. So, you can imagine my elation when reading through a certain chapter in Shauna's book where she said. . . "Following a recipe is like playing scales, but COOKING is like playing jazz." I LOVE it!!
The concepts Shauna puts forth in her book are so much deeper than just food and cooking. I know I am going to go back and re-read this book when I'm done, to mull it all over and let it sink in. But it has been fun to have an immediate connection through some of my recent cooking experiences. Because I continue to have such a hard time sleeping at night, I have been browsing for ideas about healthy foods to eat in the evening that might help with that problem. I found a recipe for "lullaby muffins" that includes several ingredients said to induce a good's night's rest. Mashed bananas, applesauce, whole wheat flour, almonds, oats, milk, and honey are the ingredients I remember. Sounds like it could be a winner, right? Definitely not!! I actually did follow the recipe (except for adding several shakes of cinnamon, which just needs to be included in anything with applesauce), but I wouldn't really even call the result a muffin. The next recipe I tried was for some healthy cookies (because I am also trying very hard to lose some weight, but struggle with the craving for something sweet - and baked). These also included mashed bananas, applesauce, and oats (and I added chocolate chips since I believe they should be included in most every cookie). These did not taste like, or even resemble anything close to a cookie! As I thought over those two baking disasters, I asked myself why I even tried those recipes, when I don't really like, and rarely eat bananas. ?? During my later browsings, I read that one of the foods you should never eat if you want to lose weight is a banana. Done and done!
Before I close, I do want to share two recipes that have been successes in the past couple of weeks.
The first is a kale salad, a recipe I got from Heidi. Notice that I don't give measures. Sorry, that is one of my big culinary flaws. (or, just the way I play jazz) :)
Chopped kale
Carrot matchsticks
Toasted slivered almonds
Craisins
Shredded parmesan cheese
Grilled chicken
Dressing: Olive oil, lemon juice & zest, crushed red pepper, garlic, salt & pepper
This was delicious. Woody even liked it. The other recipe is one I made up as a result of reading that black beans are good for keeping your body from storing fat. I call it chicken & black bean nachos. I'm thinking the "not storing fat" part probably only works if you eat one SMALL helping.
Cut chicken breasts in small pieces, place in baking dish, and cover with taco sauce or salsa
Bake at 350 for about 40 minutes
Add black beans, chopped green onions, chopped sweet peppers, chopped cilantro
Top with shredded cheddar cheese and bake 10-15 more minutes
Eat with your favorite tortilla chips
I'm ashamed to say Woody and I didn't have any leftovers. We probably stored a little fat!
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Dear Sara. . .
Dear Sara,
There are so many memories that make me smile. There are so many memories that make my heart ache with missing you so much. Maybe this time of year makes me miss you more. I miss competing with you while watching Wheel of Fortune when I come home from work. I miss thinking of what we'll have for dessert before deciding what we'll have for dinner. I miss your laugh, I miss your smile, I miss hearing your voice, I miss talking to you on the phone. I miss you on our road trips. . . every time I walk into a public restroom and see the handicap stall I think of how much we laughed while you were in your brace and couldn't bend your leg. (difficult and frustrating at the time - but at least we laughed!)
I often call you on your phone, just to hear your sweet voice say, "I can't get to my phone right now, but leave a message and I'll call you back." It helps somehow. I think of you in heaven, laughing, because of course you can't get to your phone right now! After a long day at school today, I got in the car and pushed speed dial #6, just to hear you for a moment. Apparently all of our phones have had some kind of technical overall (I remember having to redo my voicemail last weekend), and your message was gone. Just gone. I know you are probably saying. . . . "It's time mom. It's kind of ridiculous that you have been paying for my phone for almost two years, when I don't need it anymore." I know that's true, and I suppose God knew it had to happen that way or we would never have been able to cancel your phone, but oh how my heart hurts.
So, instead of a phone call, I'll write you a letter on lined paper.
Love you so much,
Mom
There are so many memories that make me smile. There are so many memories that make my heart ache with missing you so much. Maybe this time of year makes me miss you more. I miss competing with you while watching Wheel of Fortune when I come home from work. I miss thinking of what we'll have for dessert before deciding what we'll have for dinner. I miss your laugh, I miss your smile, I miss hearing your voice, I miss talking to you on the phone. I miss you on our road trips. . . every time I walk into a public restroom and see the handicap stall I think of how much we laughed while you were in your brace and couldn't bend your leg. (difficult and frustrating at the time - but at least we laughed!)
I often call you on your phone, just to hear your sweet voice say, "I can't get to my phone right now, but leave a message and I'll call you back." It helps somehow. I think of you in heaven, laughing, because of course you can't get to your phone right now! After a long day at school today, I got in the car and pushed speed dial #6, just to hear you for a moment. Apparently all of our phones have had some kind of technical overall (I remember having to redo my voicemail last weekend), and your message was gone. Just gone. I know you are probably saying. . . . "It's time mom. It's kind of ridiculous that you have been paying for my phone for almost two years, when I don't need it anymore." I know that's true, and I suppose God knew it had to happen that way or we would never have been able to cancel your phone, but oh how my heart hurts.
So, instead of a phone call, I'll write you a letter on lined paper.
Love you so much,
Mom
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
continued thankful list. . . .
297. Wyatt Reed Timmerman - 3 years old today
298. Time spent with all of our kids - missed you Brady! (and Sara)
299. Oregon rain
300. Original Pancake House in Salem now serves pumpkin pancakes year round - YES!
301. Anticipation of more grandbabies - Ellery Sara Swenson coming May 25th and Baby Boy
Timmerman coming mid-August
302. Being back to the same time zone as AZ - early morning chats with Heidi
303. Last quarter of the school year
304. An incredibly patient husband that puts up with so much from me
305. Spring snow & warm blankets
306. Forecast of a sunny weekend
307. Dreams
308. New mercies every morning
309. Counting blessings
310. Choices
298. Time spent with all of our kids - missed you Brady! (and Sara)
299. Oregon rain
300. Original Pancake House in Salem now serves pumpkin pancakes year round - YES!
301. Anticipation of more grandbabies - Ellery Sara Swenson coming May 25th and Baby Boy
Timmerman coming mid-August
302. Being back to the same time zone as AZ - early morning chats with Heidi
303. Last quarter of the school year
304. An incredibly patient husband that puts up with so much from me
305. Spring snow & warm blankets
306. Forecast of a sunny weekend
307. Dreams
308. New mercies every morning
309. Counting blessings
310. Choices
Friday, March 15, 2013
Thankful
Monday night was a gift for me. It was helpful to have a reason to write, and pour out Sara's story that is ongoing in my heart. It is a good thing I wrote it because by the time I got to Courtney's house I couldn't put two clear thoughts together in my head. It was hard to read out loud. . . . but also good for me. The girls and the moms who were there were so sweet and supportive. I hope it was somehow helpful in their lives as well. I am sure God is working in a million ways, not just in me. It is amazing how perfectly He works. For me, it was exactly what I needed at the moment. . . including where and with whom. I still wished Sara could have been there with me. . . but I could say that with a smile.
Woody is in Minnesota visiting his mom and family. So thankful for all of them. I think he might have found a place to set up shop for retirement!
I especially love the sign at the bottom!
291. Woody - my amazing husband, partner, friend
292. Looking for laughter
293. Eating ice cream right before going to bed
294. Crazy dreams that occur - perhaps as a result of #293
295. That crazy dreams are just dreams
296. New mercies every morning
Woody is in Minnesota visiting his mom and family. So thankful for all of them. I think he might have found a place to set up shop for retirement!
292. Looking for laughter
293. Eating ice cream right before going to bed
294. Crazy dreams that occur - perhaps as a result of #293
295. That crazy dreams are just dreams
296. New mercies every morning
Saturday, March 9, 2013
Saying Yes
My friend, Courtney, asked me to come and share Sara's story for her girl's Bible study next week. I think about Sara all the time, but I don't talk about her much (except here). Even with family and close friends it is still difficult. I am not one to like to talk in front of groups. I work as an elementary school counselor and most of what I do is to listen. But, I love being with kids, which is one of the things God used to gently push me to say yes to Courtney.
I didn't realize until Courtney asked me to do this how much I WANT to talk about Sara. My thoughts go in so many directions when I try to think of what I should share, that I knew I had to write it down. I started writing my thoughts several weeks ago when Courtney called, and every few days I have the need to add to it or rearrange something. I started collecting things that I wanted to bring to show the girls, because I want them to know Sara. But I know Sara would be saying, especially now, "Mom, they need to know JESUS!" I feel like I could go on and on and on because there is so much to tell. In a way her story doesn't end, because we are still here being affected by her life. And, after all, it is really the story of God working in our lives, which never ends.
I know God orchestrated this, through the timing of Courtney's call, and even the timing of my reading the book the girls have been going through. I wrote the majority of Sara's Story before I read "A Miracle for Jen", which I'm sure was God's doing because of all the ups and downs my emotions went through as I read the book. I think it is hard for all of us not to compare our life stories, but God does not work in all of us exactly the same way. For each of us, it is about our PERSONAL relationship with Jesus and what He wants to do in and through us. His character is constant, His grace, His mercy, His offer of salvation, and He loves us all the same, but we are all in different places. With Jen and Sara, their stories are very different, and yet there are so many similarities. I could hear Sara in some of Jen's journal entries, and found myself reading some of Linda Barrick's words and saying, "That's exactly how I feel!"
A couple of things stood out for me. . .
1. We all have a story, the story of what God is doing in our lives. No matter how much we plan, we can't always know or understand what each chapter will be like. Isn't it incredible that God is always present. . . lovingly guiding us, and writing all of our stories, ALL AT THE SAME TIME? He cares for all of us, working differently in each individual, all for our good and His glory. It's kind of hard to wrap your mind around, that He is present with each of us, all the time.
2. We need to have a "child-like" faith in Jesus. That phrase in Matthew where Jesus says, ". . . you must become like a child. . . ", became more clear to me. Both Linda Barrick and I see our daughters as having a stronger faith than our own. I think it is that "child-like" faith that can totally surrender and find total sufficiency in Christ. The faith that says. . . "I cannot do it myself. I trust You, Lord, to handle it all. I'll love You and praise You no matter what." Even though it is easy to say "I am trusting God", we, or I, usually turn around and struggle to take control again. For me, it has to be a constant re-focusing. I feel kind of like the little kid that stubbornly keeps saying . . ."I can do it myself!". . . even when I KNOW I can't, and I don't really even want to!
This quote from Jen's mom grabbed hold of my heart. I feel like God wants this to be a part of my story as well as hers. In fact, I think this is probably His desire for all of us. (Page 203 "A Miracle For Jen") "I remain in awe of the power of Jennifer's testimony. I came to realize that our story isn't the story of a car accident. Our story is the story of God's grace and the working out of His perfect will in our lives. It's the story of faith that allows me to trust God even when I don't understand His plan. It's the story of embracing life one day at a time, letting go of past regrets and leaving tomorrow's problems for tomorrow. It's the story of giving up the dreams I had for the reality I now have. It's the story of celebrating the overflowing blessings God has given me rather than mourning what I've lost. It's the story of resting in the Lord and finding contentment in my life today." So true, but hard to do on a daily basis. No way can I do this in my own strength! I'd appreciate prayers as I share with the girls next week. . .that what I say would be what God wants me to share.
I didn't realize until Courtney asked me to do this how much I WANT to talk about Sara. My thoughts go in so many directions when I try to think of what I should share, that I knew I had to write it down. I started writing my thoughts several weeks ago when Courtney called, and every few days I have the need to add to it or rearrange something. I started collecting things that I wanted to bring to show the girls, because I want them to know Sara. But I know Sara would be saying, especially now, "Mom, they need to know JESUS!" I feel like I could go on and on and on because there is so much to tell. In a way her story doesn't end, because we are still here being affected by her life. And, after all, it is really the story of God working in our lives, which never ends.
I know God orchestrated this, through the timing of Courtney's call, and even the timing of my reading the book the girls have been going through. I wrote the majority of Sara's Story before I read "A Miracle for Jen", which I'm sure was God's doing because of all the ups and downs my emotions went through as I read the book. I think it is hard for all of us not to compare our life stories, but God does not work in all of us exactly the same way. For each of us, it is about our PERSONAL relationship with Jesus and what He wants to do in and through us. His character is constant, His grace, His mercy, His offer of salvation, and He loves us all the same, but we are all in different places. With Jen and Sara, their stories are very different, and yet there are so many similarities. I could hear Sara in some of Jen's journal entries, and found myself reading some of Linda Barrick's words and saying, "That's exactly how I feel!"
A couple of things stood out for me. . .
1. We all have a story, the story of what God is doing in our lives. No matter how much we plan, we can't always know or understand what each chapter will be like. Isn't it incredible that God is always present. . . lovingly guiding us, and writing all of our stories, ALL AT THE SAME TIME? He cares for all of us, working differently in each individual, all for our good and His glory. It's kind of hard to wrap your mind around, that He is present with each of us, all the time.
2. We need to have a "child-like" faith in Jesus. That phrase in Matthew where Jesus says, ". . . you must become like a child. . . ", became more clear to me. Both Linda Barrick and I see our daughters as having a stronger faith than our own. I think it is that "child-like" faith that can totally surrender and find total sufficiency in Christ. The faith that says. . . "I cannot do it myself. I trust You, Lord, to handle it all. I'll love You and praise You no matter what." Even though it is easy to say "I am trusting God", we, or I, usually turn around and struggle to take control again. For me, it has to be a constant re-focusing. I feel kind of like the little kid that stubbornly keeps saying . . ."I can do it myself!". . . even when I KNOW I can't, and I don't really even want to!
This quote from Jen's mom grabbed hold of my heart. I feel like God wants this to be a part of my story as well as hers. In fact, I think this is probably His desire for all of us. (Page 203 "A Miracle For Jen") "I remain in awe of the power of Jennifer's testimony. I came to realize that our story isn't the story of a car accident. Our story is the story of God's grace and the working out of His perfect will in our lives. It's the story of faith that allows me to trust God even when I don't understand His plan. It's the story of embracing life one day at a time, letting go of past regrets and leaving tomorrow's problems for tomorrow. It's the story of giving up the dreams I had for the reality I now have. It's the story of celebrating the overflowing blessings God has given me rather than mourning what I've lost. It's the story of resting in the Lord and finding contentment in my life today." So true, but hard to do on a daily basis. No way can I do this in my own strength! I'd appreciate prayers as I share with the girls next week. . .that what I say would be what God wants me to share.
Friday, March 1, 2013
My God is SO BIG
I'm reading a book called "A Miracle For Jen". It's the story of a family involved in a serious car accident, and their struggle through recovery. It is told by the mom who was critically injured herself, as she chronicles their journey with their teenaged daughter, who suffered severe brain injury. Their pain and suffering is horrific, but their faith is strong, and their story full of praise to God.
It makes me think of the magnitude of our God. Huge, immense, enormous, vast, great, BIG . . . I feel like I can't think of words that are big enough to describe His power, His character, or His presence!
We each have our own situations where we see God's hand and feel His presence. Our joys, our sorrows, our trials, our own small slice of life. Do you ever consider how God loves, is present, and working in everyone's lives simultaneously, and has been since the beginning of time? It is hard to wrap my mind around that concept. And in every situation His character and His presence are SO BIG!
We don't always feel Him near, or recognize His hand. . .I believe that is our own limitation. Faith requires believing even when we don't see or feel.
Good reading in Sarah Young's "Jesus Lives" for today. . .
ADVERSITY
"No matter what hardships the world may throw at you, you have, in Me, everything you need to persevere. Despair is a deep pit, and sometimes you totter around its edges, precariously close to falling in. Your only hope at such times is to fix your eyes on Me. The more perplexed you are, bewildered by complex circumstances, the easier it is to lose your balance. To keep from falling, you must change your focus from your circumstances to My Presence. This requires strenuous effort on your part, because you have not fully accepted the limitations of your mind. Your natural tendency is to keep thinking about a difficult situation, trying to figure it out. I am always near, eager to help you change your focus.
Though you may be hard pressed on every side, you need not be crushed by your difficulties. You are not alone in your battles because I will never abandon you. I am the Shepherd and Guardian of your soul. I give you eternal life and you will never perish. No one can snatch you out of My hand."
288. The greatness of God - small word - HUGE concept
289. The stories of others
290. Today
It makes me think of the magnitude of our God. Huge, immense, enormous, vast, great, BIG . . . I feel like I can't think of words that are big enough to describe His power, His character, or His presence!
We each have our own situations where we see God's hand and feel His presence. Our joys, our sorrows, our trials, our own small slice of life. Do you ever consider how God loves, is present, and working in everyone's lives simultaneously, and has been since the beginning of time? It is hard to wrap my mind around that concept. And in every situation His character and His presence are SO BIG!
We don't always feel Him near, or recognize His hand. . .I believe that is our own limitation. Faith requires believing even when we don't see or feel.
Good reading in Sarah Young's "Jesus Lives" for today. . .
ADVERSITY
"No matter what hardships the world may throw at you, you have, in Me, everything you need to persevere. Despair is a deep pit, and sometimes you totter around its edges, precariously close to falling in. Your only hope at such times is to fix your eyes on Me. The more perplexed you are, bewildered by complex circumstances, the easier it is to lose your balance. To keep from falling, you must change your focus from your circumstances to My Presence. This requires strenuous effort on your part, because you have not fully accepted the limitations of your mind. Your natural tendency is to keep thinking about a difficult situation, trying to figure it out. I am always near, eager to help you change your focus.
Though you may be hard pressed on every side, you need not be crushed by your difficulties. You are not alone in your battles because I will never abandon you. I am the Shepherd and Guardian of your soul. I give you eternal life and you will never perish. No one can snatch you out of My hand."
288. The greatness of God - small word - HUGE concept
289. The stories of others
290. Today
Monday, February 18, 2013
Thankful
I haven't felt able to write much since Christmas time. There are so many things that I am thankful for, and yet there is so much that still causes me to feel so unsettled.
I had a phone call last weekend that caused me to look again at Sara's journal. I just happened to open it on February 11th, to be reminded that February 11, 2011 was the date she started that journal. Reading that entry, and the entries that followed, I felt like I heard Sara's heart again. She constantly prayed that God will heal her if it was His will. She wanted to share her story and tell others all the amazing things that God was doing in her life. At the same time, her journals are also full of her acceptance of whatever it was God had for her. Over and over are statements of her faith, that she knew He loved her, and she trusted Him. Her faith is an example to me. I realized again my selfishness.
This past weekend I was blessed to spend a few days in Arizona with Heidi and with Kari. We had a girls weekend, and we savored every second of it. It was the two-year anniversary of Sara's graduation celebration with the whole family in Reno. The president of Corban University came to personally give Sara her diploma in February of 2011. Like so many other things in that journey, it was bittersweet. It was such a blessing to Sara, and yet even though we didn't let ourselves think it, we knew it was happening because Sara's time on earth was going to be cut short.
Sara was still a part of our girls weekend. She will always be a part of everything, because she will always be a part of us. I will always love to share her story and to share her faith. Thank you Lord.
278. Time with my girls
279. The closeness of family
280. Fun food
281. Sales
282. Antique stores
283. Baby clothes
284. Unique books
285. Journaling
286. God's perfect timing
287. Every perfect gift from above
I had a phone call last weekend that caused me to look again at Sara's journal. I just happened to open it on February 11th, to be reminded that February 11, 2011 was the date she started that journal. Reading that entry, and the entries that followed, I felt like I heard Sara's heart again. She constantly prayed that God will heal her if it was His will. She wanted to share her story and tell others all the amazing things that God was doing in her life. At the same time, her journals are also full of her acceptance of whatever it was God had for her. Over and over are statements of her faith, that she knew He loved her, and she trusted Him. Her faith is an example to me. I realized again my selfishness.
This past weekend I was blessed to spend a few days in Arizona with Heidi and with Kari. We had a girls weekend, and we savored every second of it. It was the two-year anniversary of Sara's graduation celebration with the whole family in Reno. The president of Corban University came to personally give Sara her diploma in February of 2011. Like so many other things in that journey, it was bittersweet. It was such a blessing to Sara, and yet even though we didn't let ourselves think it, we knew it was happening because Sara's time on earth was going to be cut short.
Sara was still a part of our girls weekend. She will always be a part of everything, because she will always be a part of us. I will always love to share her story and to share her faith. Thank you Lord.
278. Time with my girls
279. The closeness of family
280. Fun food
281. Sales
282. Antique stores
283. Baby clothes
284. Unique books
285. Journaling
286. God's perfect timing
287. Every perfect gift from above
Friday, January 4, 2013
2013
So, two years ago today, I was looking ahead to the new year 2011, finishing up Christmas break projects, getting ready to go back to work at school. We still held on to hope that God would work a miracle in Sara's body and rid her of cancer. She had gone back to school to start her final semester of college. HOPEFUL was our buzz word for the new year. Two years ago this weekend Sara ended up in the Salem hospital, having two liters of fluid drained from her lungs, and ultimately being care-flighted to San Francisco. Two years ago this coming week her team of doctors at UCSF told us that her cancer was back full force and any treatments they could offer would only buy her a few months at best. Those few months between January and May were some of the most difficult, and also some of the most precious. I thank God for every single one of those days we had with Sara.
Now, two years later, and eighteen months after Sara's death, it sometimes feels like I should be willing to put those memories aside, and just focus on the future, being thankful for what God has given. I know that many, many others have experienced similar losses, or worse, and I know that God has been very gracious to me and to my family. It is hard to explain how you can be fine on the outside. . . . go to work, go to church, go about all your normal life routines. . . . and just feel nothing on the inside. I sometimes hear the phrase "moving on", and I get that. Life continues, and we all have to keep moving forward in the journey God has for us. But here is an honest glimpse of my heart. . . . I don't really want to "move on". I recognize that what I want is to stay close to memories of Sara. There is probably a bit of. . . "if I refuse to move on, maybe I'll wake up one morning and it will all go away. . . like a bad dream". If you believe in the stages of grief. . . would that still put me in the denial stage?" I don't really think so. . . . but I think I weave back and forth between those all those stages. . . and I think probably most people do.
I don't really know why I am blogging all this, other than perhaps to apologize to friends and family for seeming to be so "distant". I don't know exactly why that is, but that is usually how I feel. . . just distant. My desire this year is to focus on loving God and trusting Him. Hopefully that will open up my heart to a better outlook, a better attitude, and a more giving spirit.
266. Grace
267. Forgiveness
268. The aroma of turkey soup
269. Les Mis with Woody
270. The power of music
271. Days off of work
272. A job to return to
273. Kids and grandkids
274. Sunshine on snow
275. Coming in from the cold
276. A quilt made of Sara's t-shirts
277. Hope
Now, two years later, and eighteen months after Sara's death, it sometimes feels like I should be willing to put those memories aside, and just focus on the future, being thankful for what God has given. I know that many, many others have experienced similar losses, or worse, and I know that God has been very gracious to me and to my family. It is hard to explain how you can be fine on the outside. . . . go to work, go to church, go about all your normal life routines. . . . and just feel nothing on the inside. I sometimes hear the phrase "moving on", and I get that. Life continues, and we all have to keep moving forward in the journey God has for us. But here is an honest glimpse of my heart. . . . I don't really want to "move on". I recognize that what I want is to stay close to memories of Sara. There is probably a bit of. . . "if I refuse to move on, maybe I'll wake up one morning and it will all go away. . . like a bad dream". If you believe in the stages of grief. . . would that still put me in the denial stage?" I don't really think so. . . . but I think I weave back and forth between those all those stages. . . and I think probably most people do.
I don't really know why I am blogging all this, other than perhaps to apologize to friends and family for seeming to be so "distant". I don't know exactly why that is, but that is usually how I feel. . . just distant. My desire this year is to focus on loving God and trusting Him. Hopefully that will open up my heart to a better outlook, a better attitude, and a more giving spirit.
266. Grace
267. Forgiveness
268. The aroma of turkey soup
269. Les Mis with Woody
270. The power of music
271. Days off of work
272. A job to return to
273. Kids and grandkids
274. Sunshine on snow
275. Coming in from the cold
276. A quilt made of Sara's t-shirts
277. Hope
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