I don't know what it is about me and books lately. I still seem to get only so far, and then just can't go any further. I picked up this lastest find, "A Mother's Grief Observed", and started out feeling like I couldn't read it fast enough. It is written in journal style by a mother whose young son died in an unexpected accident. The author puts into words so many things that I am feeling, and am often afraid to say. I got about halfway through (day one hundred forty-six), and now find it harder to keep going. There are things still to be faced and I am just too tired. The author says it well, "It's like the river of your grief empties out into an ocean, and the vastness of life is just too overwhelming."
I often pray selfishly, and ask God. . . "If I could just see Sara, or talk to her one more time. . . .???" I know I can't, but I feel like a little kid who keeps tugging on a mommy or daddy's sleeve saying, "Oh come one, pleeaassee!" And then I realize again the love and wisdom of God, knowing that "one more time" would never be enough. I am a problem solver and resolver by nature, and I feel so "unresolved". Even as I write, I seem to always want to be able to bring myself around to being "okay", and often I just am not. So, I am going to be okay with saying I am not okay today. I know God loves me even when I'm not okay. Which actually is another way of saying "I'll know I'll be okay". Have to laugh at myself! What a way to talk in circles!
My stopping place in the book. . . "This grief will never be done. There will always be bruises, arrows of joy, shafts of pain. I will always have the deepest tenderness for 22 year olds. They will bring delight and bittersweetness. More pain than joy? For now yes. As time passes, maybe more gratitude, less grief. C.S. Lewis said that to love is to be vulnerable to the greatest joy, with potential for the greatest sorrow. It all hangs together." I have often said that . . . that our children can bring us both the greatest joy and the greatest sorrow. I didn't know that was a quote from C.S. Lewis. So true!
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