Letters on Lined Paper

Late at night or early in the morning I sit down at my computer and I really want to write something, but my thoughts swirl around so fast that I have a hard time organizing them to actually say anything. All my thoughts center around Sara.  I want to remember her life, I want to remember our times as a family, I want to remember before cancer, I want to remember the journey through her illness, I want to know more about heaven now, I want to know what it will be like when we see her again.  I think all those things are good, and fit into "whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honorable, whatsoever things are right, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely. . . "   But then all the "why didn't, what if, how come, why not, I wish. . ." also swirl around.  I realize I am in a constant battle with my thoughts and emotions. It is exhausting.  How am I?  Sometimes good, sometimes bad, sometimes strong, sometimes weak, occasionally happy, often sad.  Leaning on the Everlasting Arms. . ?  Trying to. . . .sometimes being able to rest in that.  Giving in to doubt, guilt, fear, and despair. . . .?  Trying not to. . . . trying to set my eyes and mind on God's truth where it should be. . . . sometimes gaining the victory in Jesus.   I do realize that is where we ALL are, every day.  I guess I am just not used to living my life so closely on the edge of my emotions.  I am not used to the struggle and the battle being so intense.  I'm not done. . . . but I have to go to work. . . so I have to be done.  Thankful that work is sometimes rest from the battle.