Looking Back

On the way to work one day this past week, the song "I Can Only Imagine" was playing on the radio.  That does a good job of summing up how I feel right now.  I know that Sara is safe and well and at peace in the Lord's presence, but I can only imagine what that is really like. I feel like I have never before been so consumed by such a desire to KNOW what it is like in heaven.  I know that we can KNOW what the Bible tells us, and I do believe that, but there is so much that is beyond our understanding.  I look forward to the time when we can see her again, but for now it seems as though all we do is look back.  Everyday, memories of her are everywhere.  I want that, and I'm thankful for it, but it also feels a little like time is suspended.  It is hard to look forward, and the here and now still doesn't seem real.  I do all the things I am supposed to do everyday, but often feel like it is not really me.  It is still hard to talk about, hard to explain, hard to understand. 

I have several half finished books on my shelf. . . . "Through A Season of Grief", "Dancing in the Rain", "A Steadfast Heart", "Comforts From the Cross", "Because He Loves Me". . . .and many others. . . and then another one that I just started (I found it on my desk today - I'm sure someone gave it to me months ago) called "A Mother's Grief Observed".   I start them, and they are helpful, but I have a hard time finishing anything.  It is the same with novels.  I love to read, and always have at least one book going.  It seems lately that every novel I pick up has someone in it who is grieving or dealing with the death of a loved one.  I wonder if maybe it has always been that way, but now I am just so much more aware of how much death is a part of life. 

I read back over what I have written and don't even know what I'm trying to say.  It's okay.  I know that God is good and God is faithful.  For sure I cannot trust in myself, or my own understanding, but I can trust in Him.  It is the only way to think that maybe I'll be able to look forward.