There are so many things that I wished I had chronicled better. . . funny stories I should have written down, pictures I should have taken, videos I wish we had made.  Things play through my head at random times, and I just want to be able to remember them all.

There were so many times during Sara's growing up years that she wanted to go bowling, that it became kind of a family joke.  Every time we were together and trying to decide what we wanted to do, Sara would say, "Let's go bowling!"  She wasn't all that great at it, but maybe it was because it kept us all together in a focused activity.  During the Christmas season two years ago, less than two weeks after a major lung surgery, Sara wanted to go bowling. . .so we did. She was in her wheel chair, and we were all off picking out the right bowling balls. . . when all of a sudden it dawned on me that right-handed Sara, who had just had part of her right lung removed, should probably NOT be throwing or even holding a bowling ball.  I raced back to our lane to find all the girls there and Sara laughing and saying, "Yeah, maybe that's not such a good idea!"


This week I want to remember all the fun times we are having here in Oregon. . .and later this week in Arizona.   I want to have a record of some of the funny things Wyatt says and does.  This seems a good place to write about some of those moments.  Wyatt keeps us laughing non-stop.  Yesterday Kari asked him if he was ready to have lunch.  He immediately responded with a "Yay!! French Fries!!"  Kari said, "No, we don't have french fries."  So he changed to "Yay!!  Pizza!!"  Kari said, "No", again. . . . so next Wyatt said, "Mac & Cheese!!  I'll make it!"  He then ran to the cupboard and took out a box of mac & cheese. Next, he opened the drawer under the oven and took out a baking pan.  He took set those on the floor and then went back to pull out a bottle of taco sauce.  Holding the taco sauce, he then went to yet another cupboard and got out a small bowl.  He sat down on the living room floor with all of his "ingredients" and went through the motions of pouring everything into the pan.  As we laughed, he got up and went back to the cupboard, picking up various cans of sauce or soup. . . . looking at and tapping his finger on the labels, as if checking to see if he needed to add those too.  Kari said he has been doing that for about a week, always pulling out the same four items.  She swears she does not put taco sauce in his mac & cheese!   ????

Surprised by Joy

I had a dear friend this morning at church tell me that she was praying for me to be "surprised by joy".  What a blessing.  I have a hard time believing I will truly feel joy again.  Sometimes I have a hard time thinking I want to feel joy again.  I have a hard time praying because I feel like my thoughts are always in such a jumble.  There are times I feel okay, and there are times when sadness just wells up so intensely that I can hardly stand it.  But I like that phrase, and that thought. . . ."surprised by joy". 

And so here I am. . . . we made it through Christmas Eve and Christmas Day without Sara.  It was hard, and it didn't feel like Christmas, but the truth of Christmas, and the HOPE of Christmas IS. 
And here are the joys that I was "surprised" with. . . . . .
. . . talking to all of our kids on the phone, multiple times
. . . beautiful music
. . . loving friends and church family
. . . talking to my mom and my brother, and Woody's family
. . . taking a Christmas tree to Sara's grave with her dear friends Kristin and Lisa
. . . Woody and I snacking all weekend - and not cooking
. . . arriving in Salem tonight and Wyatt was still up and awake
. . . looking forward to the week ahead, and more joys to come

HOPE

Christmas 2008

Christmas 2009

 Christmas 2010


Functional . . . Detached. . . not very warm or festive words for a Christmas season, but kind of where we are living these days.  Reflective. . .perhaps a step in a better direction.  Hope. . .where we continue to attempt to fix our eyes. . . undeniably knotted to Faith, which is based on believing truth that you can't necessarily see, feel, or understand.  Christmas is all about Hope. . .

"A thrill of HOPE, a weary world rejoices, for yonder breaks a new a glorious morn.
Fall on your knees, O hear the angel voices, O night divine, O night when Christ was born."

Favorite Christmas memory this morning - all the first nights that all the kids came home from college for Christmas every year.  So much fun to see their joy in being home, being together, staying up late and sharing all their latest adventures.  I remember the night Heidi and I sat in the kitchen over a cup of hot chocolate (made from a canister that had probably been in the pantry for years).  We were talking about how much she hated cafeteria food, and was so looking forward to home cooking (?), when she looked down at her cup and said, "Mom, there are bugs in my hot chocolate!"  Good inspiration to go clean out my cupboards!!

Delicious!

The original kringla (or kringle) recipe. . . . courtesy of my daughters, Kari & Heidi, and also my sister-in-law, Haidi (who has Esther's sister, Edna's original recipe) . . . .

1 cup sour cream or butter
1 cup buttermilk
1 tsp baking soda (in the buttermilk)
1 cup sugar
1 tsp baking powder
1 tsp salt
2 1/2 to 3 cups  flour

Mix all ingredients and refrigerate overnight.  Roll tablespoons of dough on floured surface into pretzel shapes.  Bake on greased cookie sheets at about 450 for 6-10 minutes.

From my internet search I added an egg, some orange zest, and a generous sprinkling of cinnamon and clove.  Woody pronounced them good.  :)

Kringla

I lost my kringla recipe.  It is a recipe for a Norwegian cookie that I got years ago from Woody's aunt Esther. I have made kringla for Christmas every year since the kids were little.  I have a special box where I keep all my handwritten recipes from my mom, my grandma, other family members, and friends.  I had two recipes in that box that I recognized immediately when I went digging through it, because they were old and stained.  One is my gingerbread house recipe (which we also used to make every year when the kids were little), and the other was my kringla recipe.

None of our kids are able to come home for Christmas this year.  We are okay with that.  We have been hogging alot of the holidays the past two years, and they need to spend time with their spouse's families.  I have to say again (every chance I get) that I am so thankful for the families our kids married into.  We are blessed.  (Woody and I are going to make the rounds to see all of them the week after Christmas, for which I am also thankful.)  Anyway, even though the kids won't be here, I decided that I would go ahead and make kringla for our staff lunch at school on Monday.  But when I went to get out my recipe a few hours ago, it is nowhere to be found.  I made it last Christmas, and must have misplaced the paper or thrown it in the trash by mistake.  Kind of crazy to have a melt-down over a lost kringla recipe.  Oh, I got on the internet and found a ton of kringla recipes, but none of them are exactly like the one I had.  It is just another reminder that nothing will ever be the same.  Our family is changed forever.  I know change is inevitable, and change is often good, but this one is hard to swallow.  I'm keeping my daughter Kari's words in my heart.  I am trying to focus on all the good memories we have, AND how blessed we still are. 

I am off to try a new kringla recipe. 

Christmas in Heaven

My opinion on birthdays is . . . the older you get, the longer your season of celebration should be.   Young children have their special day, and we can usually make that one day pretty special for them.  Teenagers really need a couple of days.  Usually they need a celebration with their friends and maybe another one with family.  As you get into your 20s and 30s, it becomes necessary to celebrate the whole week, as schedules are just too hectic to make any one day totally enjoyable as a birthday should be.  I strongly believe that when you reach 50, you really deserve at least two weeks, and maybe even the whole month!
My mom is 83, and her birthday is in August.  I guess that means that we should still be celebrating her birthday - Happy December Mom!!   If my dad were still living, he would be turning 85 (or maybe 86) next Monday.  I have been thinking alot about my dad lately too, and thinking that he and Sara are celebrating together in heaven. 

Have you ever wondered if there are holidays in heaven?  I was thinking this morning that maybe heaven is like a constant Christmas celebration.  Earthly Christmas is a celebration of the birth of Jesus, God coming to earth in the form of man, to relate to man, and to be the sacrifice for our unworthiness.  It is a season of loving and giving. In heaven we will be focused on loving, worshipping, and praising God, celebrating and giving glory to Jesus. . . forever!!  So, I think it's safe to say that yes, in heaven we will celebrate Christmas, and Jesus's birthday all year long.

Kari has posted some excellent pictures of Christmas's past on her blog . . . littletimmer.blogspot.com.  I'm thankful for last Christmas. . . so thankful for all our kids.  I wish I had taken a ton more pictures. 

Snow Angel

Holidays

Holidays are all about memories. . . taking out, renewing, and cherishing old memories, and making new ones.  Perhaps that is why holidays are often painful for so many.  There are good memories, and we want to bring them out and treasure each one. . . . joy and sorrow wrapped up together. 

Sara loved Christmas. She loved red.  She loved Starbucks in their red Christmas cups.  Her favorite movie was White Christmas. (her favorite song in that movie - Sisters)  There was one year when the kids did lip-sync routines to all their favorite Christmas songs.  It was hilarious!  In later years I think the thing Sara liked the best was just having everyone come home and be together. . . .playing games, watching movies, making kringla. . . .she used to threaten her brother and sisters saying. . . "If you aren't home for Christmas, you don't get presents!"

I just keep feeling like I can't wrap my mind or my heart around the way things are now.  Our most recent family picture sits on the counter in our front entry way. . . .taken last Christmas.  That is a good memory.  I'm so thankful we had that time all together last year.

Our Children's Christmas program at church this year is an old one that we are reviving. . . . Christmas in Reverse.  It reminds me that Christmas is not only about remembering and celebrating Jesus' birth.  It started way before that. . . . amazing the way events unfolded to prepare the way for Jesus to come as our Savior!

I don't think sending Christmas cards is likely to be a reality in our house this year, but we would like to wish anyone reading this a blessed Christmas season   I wonder if those in heaven have a special Christmas celebration.  Perhaps it is always Christmas there. . . an eternal celebration of Jesus!

Friends

Just spent a blessed weekend with dear friends of ours from California. Leslie has been my friend since college days, and her daughter,Chary, and Sara grew up together.  Sara was able to celebrate with Chary, and be in her wedding in June of 2010.  Chary moved to England later that summer as her husband was stationed there in the airforce.  Last January God was gracious, and made it possible for Chary to come and visit with Sara here in Fallon while she was in the states for a cousin's wedding.  The girls knew it might be their last time together on this earth.  I am so, so thankful they had that time. 

I have lots of Chary and Sara memories. . . the time they consumed a whole bottle of vitamin C in one sitting. . . . (both Chary and Sara admitted that Sara ate most of them). . . . the hot pink bathing suits they had when they were about 3 and 4. . . (Sara's with a bright blue elephant on the front that accentuated her tummy - years later she always asked, "WHY mom????"). . . . . .the times they spent at my mom & dad's house in Quartz Hill, dressing up in Jennifer Wilson's old prom dresses. . . . times after we moved to Nevada that Sara and I and Chary & Leslie would meet in Bishop just to hang out . . . . they are the kind of friends that are always friends,  no matter how far away, or how long it's been since we've been together. . . a blessing and a gift.  I was so afraid that I couldn't face the pain of being with them without Sara.  There was pain. . . but still a blessing and a gift. 

I've also been thinking about Sara being up in Salem with all her roomies at this time last year.  I think this is about the time they took their roommate pictures.  Sara absolutely loved that time.  That too was a blessing and a gift. 

November 30th

I haven't written much lately, mostly because I haven't felt like many of my thoughts are worth sharing.  Oh, my mind goes non-stop, my thoughts go up and down and 'round and 'round.  I have so many blessings and so many things to be thankful for, but my heart hurts so much.  I analyze, re-analyze, and over-analyze, trying to figure things out and "get a grip".  I hurt, but there are SO MANY hurts and problems in this world.  It sometimes seems easier just to try to become numb to it all.  But that isn't really any easier.

Here is an amazing thing. . . . have you ever noticed how a daily devotional book often hits you right between the eyes, exactly when you need it?  What a GOD thing!  I don't know if it is appropriate to copy from someone else on to your own blog. . . . but this is from "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young. . . written for November 30th. . . .

"Problems are a part of life. They are inescapable, woven into the very fabric of this fallen world.  You tend to go into problem-solving mode all too readily, acting as if you have the capacity to fix everything. This is a habitual response, so automatic that it bypasses your conscious thinking.  Not only does this habit frustrate you, it also distances you from Me.  Do not let fixing things be your top priority. You are ever so limited in your capacity to correct all that is wrong in the world around you. Don't weigh yourself down with responsibilities that are not your own. Instead, make your relationship with Me your primary concern.  Talk with me about whatever is on your mind, seeking My perspective on the situation.  Rather than trying to fix everything that comes to your attention, ask me to show you what is truly important.  Remember that you are en route to heaven, and let your problems fade in the Light of eternity."

The verses listed with this reading (which you need to read) are Luke 10:41-42 and Psalm 32:8.  BUT, you actually need to read Psalm 32:1-7.  I have to post the beginning and the ending. . . "How blessed is she whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered!. . . Thou art my hiding place.  Thou dost preserve me from trouble.  Thou dost surround me with songs of deliverance."  :)

And. . . I'm thinking I might start posting all the "Sara stories" that are constantly running through my head.  I want to remember them all.  They are good things.  :)

So thankful for all our children and their spouses... and for our precious little grandson. So thankful for my mom, and my brother and his family.... so thankful for all of Woody's family.  I pray everyone had a wonderful time of thanksgiving being with people they love. 

We spent the weekend in Oregon at Kari & Brett's, with Sam & Kimberly, Heidi & Brady, and my mom joining us there. We decided that collectively, we are pretty good cooks!  We had a perfect turkey, yummy mashed potatoes & gravy, delicious asparagus casserole, incredibly creative stuffing (including celery, red onion, apples, craisins, and pecans), a strawberry, cream cheese, pretzel salad (that Brett called a side casserole - but seemed more like dessert), and to top it all off. . . homemade (via Heidi and a magazine recipe) salted caramel pie.  The whole meal was truly Betty Crocker worthy.  On Friday night we enjoyed the company of several of Sara's friends (Nash, Liz & Brent, and Kristen), and tried our hand at making homemade scotchmallows.  That was an adventure too, and we gave See's a pretty good run for their money!  I am thankful to know that Sara would have loved and enjoyed every minute, and the only place she'd rather be, is where she is now. 

Thanksgiving

I will be THANKFUL.  I AM thankful.  I choose thankfulness.  God IS good.  His lovingkindness is everlasting.  His mercies to me are new every morning.  There are daily reminders of His work in my life.  I am looking forward to this weekend with family, and dreading it at the same time. 

The easiest way to face life is to pocket the pain and move forward.  Sometimes there is just no way around facing it, and it just hurts.  I am still thankful.  I think I want to stop analyzing everything this week, and just BE in His presence . . . with thanksgiving. 

Inside-out / Outside-in

Love, love, love musical theater!  It's a little bittersweet since that is something I loved to share with Sara.  We always thought it would be so much fun if people in real life would just occasionally break into singing and dancing.  I guess they actually do that now with flash dancing - or whatever it's called.  It was a great weekend of performances for our Fallon high school, jr high, AND elementary production of "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat".   I'm not a big fan of the movie, but the live show is lots of fun, and I love seeing the talent in our community come together.  It always amazes me how two months of seemingly chaotic rehearsals can turn into such a fabulous show!  Great job cast and crew!  Looking forward to next weekend and our final performances.  

Sundays are particularly hard days. I think maybe that is when the spiritual battle is most intense.  I feel like I am mostly on auto-pilot. I follow the normal routines of my life, doing the things I know I should be doing, but it's like something inside me has clicked off.  Things just don't seem real.  I know God works from the inside-out. . . . but I'm trusting that He also sometimes works from the outside-in. . . and if I just keep going, He will help me get there. 

no one in particular - everyone in general

On Saturdays as I clean my house, I end up spending alot of time looking at pictures, knick knacks, and things around the house that remind me of Sara. . .that are all about Sara.  I need to think about her and talk about her, but I don't really want to talk to anyone.  I don't want to burden anyone, and there is nothing anyone can say or do, it's just that need to keep her memory alive.  I start to feel guilty for continuing to write about Sara on my blog, but then I figure, this is the perfect place where I can talk to "no one in particular, but everyone in general".  That is pretty much what a blog is about isn't it? 

This picture hangs on the wall in our bedroom.  I especially like it because it brings alot of life's seasons together for me.  The frame was a gift from my best friend in college, Amy, who lives in Iowa, and who I haven't seen since Sam was a baby.  The picture is one of Sara's senior pictures, taken by another friend here in Fallon, Tim, whose sweet daughter Mackenzie now attends Corban University and helps with children's ministries at Grace Baptist Church in Salem, just like Sara did.  Amy sent the frame as a gift right after Sara died.  I love it, and I love that we just happened to have the perfect picture to put in it. 

I am thankful for memories, and so thankful for my family. 

Have I mentioned that I love the Fall??  I think this is always one of the busiest seasons.  It seems like a time of constant planning and preparation . . . for a variety of things.  But let's face it, EVERY season is busy these days.  I just love crunchy leaves, vibrant colors, crisp mornings, pumpkin spice flavors and aromas, counting the days till the holidays, and GAINING AN HOUR when the time changes! 

I have a new devotional book (recommended by Kari) entitled "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young.  This morning's reading started like this. . . "Walk peacefully with me through this day.  You are wondering how you will cope with all that is expected of you.  You must traverse this day like any other, one step at a time.  Instead of mentally rehearsing how you will do this or that, keep your mind on My presence, and on taking the next step.  The more demanding your day, the more help you can expect from Me. . . Challenging times wake you up and amplify your awareness of needing My help. . . "  (Ex 33:14, Deut 33:25, Heb 13:20-21, Ps 29:11)  Amazing!  Lately I often feel like I am struggling against God's help.  Why would I do that?  It really makes no sense!  And yet, making the choice to accept God's peace and His promises can be so hard to do.  I guess that's why faith is "the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen" - and I would add or felt.  So thankful His truth is not dependent on how I feel!

We keep finding little reminders of Sara that had been tucked away.  Tonight I was cleaning out my drawer of potholders (realizing I needed to put several in the laundry), and found one with Sara's name and handprint, made in 1993 (she was 5).  We also received a note in the mail from the mom of one of Sara's elementary school friends.  She had found a poem that her son had written to Sara back then, and sent it to us.  Those things are so precious.  They help me hold on to the reality that she was here.  I'm so thankful for every little connection we have.  I sometimes just want to sit and surround myself with those reminders and those memories.  This time last year, Sara was preparing for surgery to remove the recurring tumor in her leg.  We had just been told that she should think about making some quality of life decisions, as she would not be likely to survive her cancer.  I don't think we really believed she would be gone so soon. 

Heaven

I have been thinking that weekends are the hardest. The busyness of the work week seems to keep my mind more than occupied.  But... . sometimes that intense busyness, combined with my slightly fragile (perhaps an understatement) emotional state, can push me over the edge.  Today I was teetering on the brink.  Thank goodness it is Friday!  Tonight I am very thankful for Woody, and for cheeseburgers and fries.  Woody also brought home a picture that he had found taped to an inconspicuous place on the desk in his office.  Since I recently learned to post pictures on my blog, I felt like this was a picture that needed to be shared.  On the back of this picture Sara had written her name and the word "Heaven".  I don't know if she intended the angel to be herself, but obviously that's what we see when we look at it now.  I love all the windows.  There is no date on the paper, but I'm guessing she was 7 or 8.   It is sometimes just hard to get through each day, and I try to keep speaking truth to myself, praying that God sets it in my heart.  Tonight this picture helped. 

Seasons

Lately I keep waiting to write, thinking that maybe I'll write about something other than Sara.  Truth be told, when I'm not busy with work, church, or other responsibilities, she is what is on my mind.  Last night I couldn't sleep, so I pulled everything out of my cedar chest to find the big manilla envelope full of letters, cards, and notes that all my kids have written to me over the years. There are some from elementary school, clear up through college days and beyond.  Some are quite funny, others are heart-warming, all made me cry.  It all seems like another lifetime ago.  Even though it has been five months since Sara's death, it still seems so hard to believe that her life here on earth is over.

Woody concluded his series of sermons on Philippians 4 today, ending with Sara's life verse, "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength".  It made me think a bit about the seasons of Sara's life.  Right now, I just divide it into two, before cancer and after cancer.  I remember one time when Sam was in college and Sara was still in high school, that Sam said, "Mom, Sara just isn't going to make it. She's too happy and easy-going.  She just doesn't know what real life is like!"  Sara ALWAYS was cheerful and easy-going.  She was able to maintain that even through her battle with cancer.  When the going got tough, she  displayed a strength that we never realized she had.  She reminded herself (and us) constantly that her strength was only in trusting her Lord.  

I have two willow creek angels on my bookshelf that make me think of Sara's two seasons of life.  The "before cancer" angel is fair and blond and holding a lapful of pale pink flowers in her dress.  The "after-cancer" angel has brown curly hair and holds a lapful of bright yellow sunflowers.  They are both beautiful, but it struck me yesterday that the "after-cancer" angel is somehow more distinct and vibrant in color.  I like that word, "vibrant".  Sara was always beautiful, but I believe that after her cancer diagnosis she became even more beautiful - yes, vibrant (pulsing with energy) - that was the strength of Christ in her!

Time

Had a wonderful visit this weekend with Heidi, Kari,and littleWyatt. What joy to go in to the airport to pick them up, and have Wyatt see me and run to give me a hug!  I think his favorite word this weekend was "bomp-pa" (grandpa)!  We are greatly looking forward to Thanksgiving in Oregon, with EVERYONE. 

Time together is always a blessing.  We didn't do anything special, but it didn't matter, it was just so nice to have them close.  We still struggle to figure out how to address the loss of Sara in our lives.  She is still the subject that we all have on our hearts, but don't want to mention because we don't want to open each other's hurts.  We understand that it takes time, but the fact that time is moving on hurts too.  So we talk of it and of her a little at a time.

October

I love October.  I love when the weather starts to turn cool.  I love the Fall colors of orange, red, yellow, and brown.  And. . . it is Woody's birthday. . . what more can I say.  :)   The last few weeks have been rugged, or ragged, or maybe both.  I don't know exactly what makes one day harder than the day before, or why the next day isn't as hard as yesterday.  A friend reminded me today that we just need to keep being thankful. 

A year ago this weekend I flew to Salem to spend the weekend with Kari & Brett (and of course Wyatt), and Sara.  Then Sara and I flew to San Francisco on Sunday night, and Woody met us there.  On Monday morning Sara had her first set of follow up scans since going back to college and her "new normal" life.  We were just enjoying the time together, pretty confident that all would be fine.  I still remember the intense heaviness that settled over us when we learned that Sara had a new spot in her lung.  The oncologist said. . . . another surgery, maybe more chemo. . . . and all Sara wanted was to get it over with and go back to school.  On one hand, I hate it that she only had that two months before the cancer returned. But on the other hand, we are also so thankful for those two months.  I look back at pictures from that time and the joy just shines right out of her.  So, I am thankful.

Late at night or early in the morning I sit down at my computer and I really want to write something, but my thoughts swirl around so fast that I have a hard time organizing them to actually say anything. All my thoughts center around Sara.  I want to remember her life, I want to remember our times as a family, I want to remember before cancer, I want to remember the journey through her illness, I want to know more about heaven now, I want to know what it will be like when we see her again.  I think all those things are good, and fit into "whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honorable, whatsoever things are right, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely. . . "   But then all the "why didn't, what if, how come, why not, I wish. . ." also swirl around.  I realize I am in a constant battle with my thoughts and emotions. It is exhausting.  How am I?  Sometimes good, sometimes bad, sometimes strong, sometimes weak, occasionally happy, often sad.  Leaning on the Everlasting Arms. . ?  Trying to. . . .sometimes being able to rest in that.  Giving in to doubt, guilt, fear, and despair. . . .?  Trying not to. . . . trying to set my eyes and mind on God's truth where it should be. . . . sometimes gaining the victory in Jesus.   I do realize that is where we ALL are, every day.  I guess I am just not used to living my life so closely on the edge of my emotions.  I am not used to the struggle and the battle being so intense.  I'm not done. . . . but I have to go to work. . . so I have to be done.  Thankful that work is sometimes rest from the battle. 

I don't know what it is about me and books lately.  I still seem to get only so far, and then just can't go any further.  I picked up this lastest find, "A Mother's Grief Observed", and started out feeling like I couldn't read it fast enough.  It is written in journal style by a mother whose young son died in an unexpected accident.  The author puts into words so many things that I am feeling, and am often afraid to say.  I got about halfway through (day one hundred forty-six), and now find it harder to keep going.  There are things still to be faced and I am just too tired.  The author says it well, "It's like the river of your grief empties out into an ocean, and the vastness of life is just too overwhelming."

I often pray selfishly, and ask God. . . "If I could just see Sara, or talk to her one more time. . . .???"  I know I can't, but I feel like a little kid who keeps tugging on a mommy or daddy's sleeve saying, "Oh come one, pleeaassee!"  And then I realize again the love and wisdom of God, knowing that "one more time" would never be enough.  I am a problem solver and resolver by nature, and I feel so "unresolved".  Even as I write, I seem to always want to be able to bring myself around to being "okay", and often I just am not.  So, I am going to be okay with saying I am not okay today.  I know God loves me even when I'm not okay.  Which actually is another way of saying "I'll know I'll be okay".  Have to laugh at myself! What a way to talk in circles!

My stopping place in the book. . . "This grief will never be done.  There will always be bruises, arrows of joy, shafts of pain.  I will always have the deepest tenderness for 22 year olds. They will bring delight and bittersweetness.  More pain than joy?  For now yes.  As time passes, maybe more gratitude, less grief.  C.S. Lewis said that to love is to be vulnerable to the greatest joy, with potential for the greatest sorrow. It all hangs together."  I have often said that . . . that our children can bring us both the greatest joy and the greatest sorrow.  I didn't know that was a quote from C.S. Lewis.  So true!

Song From Philippians

Last January, the week before Sara went to the hospital in Salem, and was then care-flighted to UCSF with her lung full of fluid, I wrote a song that combined Sara's favorite verse, Woody's favorite verse, and my favorite verses. . . all from Philippians.  It was like the lull before the storm.  The kids had all been home for Christmas, and then left for New Year's.  Sara had gone back up to Oregon to get in some hours at work, and to spend some fun time with her roommates before finishing up her senior year of college.  We knew at that point that Sara's cancer had returned, but we were still hopeful that the new chemo she was taking would be effective, and that God would work a miracle.  I was reading Philippians then, just as I'm doing now.  I gave Sara a copy of the song sometime last winter, but don't think I ever actually played it for her. 
After Woody's sermon last Sunday, I remembered that I had it tucked away, and thought that now would be a good time to share it.  Someday maybe I will have the technology to put music on my blog, but for now, these are the lyrics. . . which are really just the scripture verses put together.

I can do all things through Christ, who gives me strength.

I can do all things through Christ, who gives me strength.

Being confident of this, that He who began His work

in my life, will perfect it in His time.

Rejoice in the Lord, and again I say rejoice.

Rejoice in the Lord, and again I say rejoice.

Let your patience be known, be known to all men,

for the Lord, Himself, is always near.

Be anxious for nothing, but in prayer and supplication,

with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God.

And the peace of God, which surpasses all we know,

yes, the peace of God, which surpasses all we know,

shall guard our hearts and minds, give shelter to our souls,

and surround us in the love of Christ, our Lord.

And surround us in the love of Christ, our Lord.

Reading and re-reading and re-reading and re-reading. . . .

Do you ever read a book and then think you know the story or the contents so well that you either give it away, or put it on the shelf, never to pick it up again?  Often you want to keep it, because you love the story, or the thoughts put forth, but you think you have absorbed it all, and need to move on to something else.  I'm ashamed to say that sometimes I am like that in reading my Bible.  Philippians is my favorite book of the Bible. I have read it countless times, and countless more times since Sara's death. It is my "go to" when I pick up my Bible.  Now, as I stop to really think about what I am saying, I have several more favorite "go to's", but I will still claim Philippians as my number one. I would be inclined to say that I KNOW Philippians.  I can even quote several passages.  But how often am I really applying it to my heart and my life? 

I struggled this week.  That is a pretty constant in my life lately. Woody tried to help, and in some of our conversations I found myself figuratively putting my hands up to block what he was saying.  I didn't want to listen. There was NOTHING that could help.  Things were just going from bad to worse.  Now here is what comes of being a preacher's wife.  This morning, he had me in his captive audience, and as I listened to him speaking, I saw how what he was trying to tell me earlier all came together.  Woody taught this morning from Philippians chapter four.  (coincidentally my favorite chapter in my favorite book)  The message was entitled "How to Stand Firm in the Lord".  What I ought to do is go get his sermon notes and make that my post for today, but here it is in a nutshell. . . . from verses 1-7. . . .  Live harmoniously, joyously, graciously, and prayfully. . . and you will have peace in Christ Jesus.  Obviously, there is alot more that can be filled in, but there are the basics.  I am sure I will struggle again this week, but I will keep on reading and re-reading Philippians, and pray that God fills my heart with His peace. 

Have to share one more passage in reference to verse 6. . . "be anxious for nothing".  Psalm 37. . . the whole thing, but especially verses 23-24.  "The steps of a man are established by the Lord, and He delights in his way.  When he falls, he shall not be hurled headlong, because the Lord is the One who holds his hand." 

I re-read this to myself two ways, and both helped me immensely.  "Sara's steps were established by the Lord, and He delighted in her way.  When she fell, she was not hurled headlong, because the Lord was the One who held her hand."  AND  "Noreen's steps are established by the Lord, and He delights in her way.  When she falls, she will not be hurled headlong, because the Lord is the One who holds her hand."   Put  your own name in that verse, and hold it in your heart!

Looking Back

On the way to work one day this past week, the song "I Can Only Imagine" was playing on the radio.  That does a good job of summing up how I feel right now.  I know that Sara is safe and well and at peace in the Lord's presence, but I can only imagine what that is really like. I feel like I have never before been so consumed by such a desire to KNOW what it is like in heaven.  I know that we can KNOW what the Bible tells us, and I do believe that, but there is so much that is beyond our understanding.  I look forward to the time when we can see her again, but for now it seems as though all we do is look back.  Everyday, memories of her are everywhere.  I want that, and I'm thankful for it, but it also feels a little like time is suspended.  It is hard to look forward, and the here and now still doesn't seem real.  I do all the things I am supposed to do everyday, but often feel like it is not really me.  It is still hard to talk about, hard to explain, hard to understand. 

I have several half finished books on my shelf. . . . "Through A Season of Grief", "Dancing in the Rain", "A Steadfast Heart", "Comforts From the Cross", "Because He Loves Me". . . .and many others. . . and then another one that I just started (I found it on my desk today - I'm sure someone gave it to me months ago) called "A Mother's Grief Observed".   I start them, and they are helpful, but I have a hard time finishing anything.  It is the same with novels.  I love to read, and always have at least one book going.  It seems lately that every novel I pick up has someone in it who is grieving or dealing with the death of a loved one.  I wonder if maybe it has always been that way, but now I am just so much more aware of how much death is a part of life. 

I read back over what I have written and don't even know what I'm trying to say.  It's okay.  I know that God is good and God is faithful.  For sure I cannot trust in myself, or my own understanding, but I can trust in Him.  It is the only way to think that maybe I'll be able to look forward.

Childhood Cancer Awareness

September is "Childhood Cancer Awareness Month".   Funny, I never knew this before.  We have all seen the little pink ribbons that stand for breast cancer awareness, but until Sara's diagnosis, I never knew that there are similar little yellow ribbons to promote childhood cancer awareness.  My eyes have been opened. 

I am thankful for all those that have battled a childhood cancer and are surviving.  My prayers are with you still, because I know there are ongoing side effects and fears.  I pray for those children and young people and their families who are in the midst of the battle.  I understand it now, and I pray for you to be filled with courage and hope.  I pray for those families who have lost a child to this disease. I know there are many. 

Especially since our other kids are grown, married, and living away from home - I am so thankful to be able to go to work and be surrounded by my 450 school kids!  There are hurts, heartaches, and struggles there too.  Our kids deal with so much these days.  It helps to be thankful for the little things. . . and the little ones!

Loneliness is like an elephant. . . by Sara Swenson

Periodically, I find myself searching through the house again for things that bring a connection to Sara. . . things that I might have missed in my previous searches.  Last night I happened upon a treasure that was right under my nose.  On the nightstand in one of the bedrooms Sara occupied (she occupied ALL of them at one time or another, as all of her older siblings left home), was a 1999 edition of  "The Teacher's Selection Anthology of Poetry".  I had put a quilted cover on it, left it as a decorative piece there on the nightstand, and then almost forgotten what it was over the past few years.  As I picked it up and opened the book to the page marked with an old bookmark of Sara's, I found a poem that she had written back in elementary school (when she was 10).  Her 5th grade teacher, Mrs. Slonecker, had nominated Sara's poem to be included in this book.  The name of the poem is "Loneliness Is Like An Elephant Sitting On You". 
It goes like this. . .

When the elephant sits on you it hurts

just like loneliness.

When it sits on you

it hurts you on the outside.

When you're lonely

it hurts your mind and heart on the inside.

When the elephant sits on you

it squishes you like a pancake,

just like loneliness squishes your heart.

And that makes it bad to be sat on

by an elephant,

just like no one wants to be lonely.

Maybe it's a poem that only a mother would love, but I dearly love it.   I sometimes feel like my heart is being squished, or that it is being sat on by an elephant.  I think that is a good way to describe those heavy emotions of sadness, loneliness, fear, or guilt.  It is not constant. . . . kind of like the elephant is just in the room, and sometimes. . . it decides to sit on you.  (that's an interesting play on words too!)  

It is a mystery to me how some days I can think I am doing pretty well, and the next day that huge elephant just won't get off me!  Not that much changes from day to day, but it seems to be a constant struggle to stay on level ground.  And I know it is that way for all of us.   So. . . I keep telling myself to count my blessings. . . . .which are many. 

FOOTPRINTS - new version

A friend sent me this new version of FOOTPRINTS the other day.  I thought it was great, so I'd like to share it here, a bit condensed and edited ala swenson. 

Imagine you and the Lord Jesus walking down the road together. For much of the way, the Lord's footprints go along steadily and consistently.  But your footprints are a disorganized stream of zigzags, starts, stops, turnarounds, and circles.  It goes on like this, but gradually your footprints come more in line with the Lords, soon paralleling His consistently.  You are walking together.  This is good, but then an interesting thing happens. Your footprints, that once etched the sand next to Jesus', are now walking precisely in His steps.  Inside His larger footprints are your smaller ones.  You are walking as one. What a blessing! This goes on for a long time, but suddenly the second set of footprints is back.  This time it is even crazier!  Zigzags all over the place! What happened?

I like to give the explanation as it could pertain to Sara.  In the first scene, with all the zigzags by the Lord's footsteps, Sara was a new Christian, just learning.  As she walked on, the Lord helped her learn to walk with Him.  When her smaller footprints were inside of His larger ones she was actually walking in His steps, totally trusting Him.  So what happened when the footprints separated again?  Well. . . now they're DANCING!

We got to spend a few hours with some dear friends of Sara's yesterday.  I LOVE when they come to visit.  I love them all so much.  It just makes me miss her with such an intensity it is hard to bear.  I think we still pretend that she is just away for awhile.  Maybe we will always pretend that.  I know we will see her again someday. . . .but it is just . . . . different. 

It seems like life here on earth is a constant struggle of finding a balance. . . . in how we spend our time, in our emotions, in all the situations that just keep coming at us.  I think that is what makes it . . . . life.

Life is like an old hall clock, the time keeps ticking by.
The pendulum swings back and forth, we laugh and then we cry.
We're always striving for a balance, trying to find that middle ground,
where everything seems stable, instead of constant 'round and 'round.
I will fix my eyes on Jesus, seek the center of His will,
and look ahead to heaven, when that earthly pendulum stands still.

Is it the musician in me that likes words to have rhythm and rhyme????

Why?

So, here I go.  My plan is to stop posting on caringbridge, and start writing here.  As I start this new venture, I want to explain the name of my blog site.  I don't think I would even be doing this if it weren't for Sara.  I never realized how much I love to write until we started our caringbridge site after her cancer diagnosis in June of 2009.  I had written children's programs, and various scripts for different church activities, but never just for the sake of writing what was on my mind or my heart.  It has helped me so much over the past two years, to be able to put all the thoughts and emotions swirling in my mind into words.  I have learned alot about myself, and hopefully it has helped me to grow and mature, AND to do more daily surrendering to my Savior.

Anyway, about the name of my blog. . . . "Letters on Lined Paper". . . .  When Sara lost her battle with osteosarcoma, or maybe I should say. . . when Sara claimed the victory of her life in Christ, and left this earthly life for a new home in heaven, I found out from her roommate that one thing Sara loved, was to receive letters on lined paper.  I never knew that.  It made me sad at first, because I can't remember if I ever actually sent her letters.  I know I sent notes to her at college every now and then.  But mostly it was phone calls, emails, cards, or short little notes.  That made an impression on me.  For weeks after her death, I searched everywhere for anything she had written. . . journals, letters, cards, college papers, notes in her bible, lists, ANYTHING.  It made me realize how precious the written word can be.  It also made me realize what a great writer Sara was.  It was like little pieces of herself that she had left behind.  I found two sheets of notebook paper that she had used to write out a couple of her favorite bible verses.  She started at the very top left hand corner, and then wrote around the edge, and kept going around and around, until she finished at the middle of the paper, just writing out the verses over and over again.  The two verses were; Phillipians 4:13, "I can do all things through Him who gives me strength.", and Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for calamity, to give you a future and a hope."  I am pretty sure that she wrote those verses out during the months AFTER she found out that her cancer had returned, and the doctors were giving her no hope for recovery.  What amazing faith!

I have had people suggest that I put our caringbridge journals (along with Sara's prayer journals) into a book.  That is something that I think I would love to do, but truth be told, I am not exactly sure what that process looks like, or how to go about it.  For now, I am going to try writing on this blog.  If a book were to ever come about, I think that I would like the title to be "Letters on Lined Paper", in honor of Sara.  It helps me in my grieving process to write.  If perhaps it can help someone else to read what I've written, that is a double delight to my heart. 

I posted this on caringbridge, but I am going to post it again here, because this is part of the "Why?" .

To Sara

If I could write a letter straight to heaven above,
I'd send it on lined paper, and say how much you're loved.
I'd ask you how you're doing, what you see and think and feel,
and how it feels to dance again, as you see God's face for real!
I'd ask what songs you're singing, as you lift your voice in praise.
I bet breath control is better than it was in cancer days!
I wish that I could call you, or text you on your phone,
or that we could go to Starbucks, or to get an ice cream cone.
I know that you are happy, free from pain and free from care.
I just wish that I could talk to you, to hear what it's like there!

Tentatively

This is totally new territory for me.  Whoever thought that I would sit at a computer and BLOG??!!  I guess it is not such a stretch from writing on Sara's Caringbridge site, which I have done regularly for the past two years.  But I never thought I'd be doing anything like that either.  I never really knew I liked to write until just recently.  This morning is a chance to get my feet wet.  As I gain confidence I hope to get in here and explore all the possibilities.  I'll be back.